i forgot you
on the eve of my 24th celebration
of life on this earth
and it was as if i finally
buried the dead bird
that stopped fluttering in my chest
a year and a half ago

you fought your dirt
games with blinding manipulation
and all of the hand grenades,
switch blades, battle brigades
you could muster

i stood and watched
an old world crumble
but laughed aloud at your naivety
i had rebuilt this kingdom
from ground up
and the only master that mattered
was me

music notes work hard
tiny hammers on my heart
pounding away at the cement case
until i feel something

i'd like to believe i've built a temple here,
but everyone knows it's just a fort of sheets
and i'm still a little girl underneath

i'd like to be cradled in the arms
of my mother, not landlocked
with my legs around yet another lover

because lovers have got nothing
to do with love, just ******* and touching
and giving up more than you've got

i feel like i've been scraped dry
bottom of the barrel and yet i'm on some
kind of natural high

an out of body experience i'll take flight
and watch as i float away
in the middle of night

a twilight escape of the fourth kind

we walk a thick line
with margins as wide as we'd like them

when you don't believe in anything
it's easy to paint a picture of wild abandon

i tell myself that i'm free
but so does the caged bird
to bare the weight
of knowing he'll never touch the sun

sitting on top of a giant steel slide
reminiscent of burning kindergarten flesh
as summer rays heated sources of joy
much too warm for screeches of fun

a man in a mask stands on the top step
as i prepare for lift off and wait patiently
trigger cocked, barrel loaded,
he places the shaft against my head

flash, bang, done in an instant
and my eyes bulge big, as comic book x's
take the former place of irises

a smile plasters wide on my jaw
and i wail, a shriek of exuberance
escaping from within my core
as i shoot down, like a slab of meat on a greased pan

i land with the grace of a contortionist
body parts twisted, but otherwise unscathed
as i suddenly defy gravity,  
boldly stand up, and escape my grave

i find myself backwards sliding
reeling through film blurred by dust
from the bunnies that hide under my skull
in the corners that i've tucked you away in

mountains, valleys, rivers, oceans, cities, creatures of the unknown,
they all spin by, a blurred bundle
of the adventures we shared

my heart used to hang low and heavy
but now it's full of nothing but air
stale and dank, but i can still smell
the coconut that you'd pour onto your scalp

i remember you as you were
the thought of seeing you as you are
is sickening

i'd rather keep a sarcophagus of you
than look into the eyes of your zombie being
and realize that i never actually knew
who you were

i sit and wonder where life goes when i'm not looking it in the eye
and then i smell it wafting up, the stench from my feet after a day at work
chasing little people that need me more than they need their own mothers,
i taste it in the notes that land between light and languid singing out from
the wine glass that holds the only thing that can put me to bed these days,
i feel it on this old torn up couch that's been passed around in musical houses
since 1973, tattered and worn, but it's the only thing that feels like home,
and i hear it in the door slams that come from the tiny hands of the neighbor's
children as they screech in and out, like miniature race cars whizzing round the bend

this life surrounds me, eats me whole, ***** me out, and repeats the process
until there's not a breath left to consume, a moment left to experience,
a burst of light left to pry open my eyelids when all i want to do is lay in bed
this life is mine, but it's everyone else's too, and as much as i want to hold tight
to the fleeting moments that end too soon, i've got to let go in order to keep up with it

knowing that you
will stand in my place
next to him
wearing the dress
that should have
given me wings
hurts

my ice face
is melting, much
to my dismay
and my stone heart
is crumbling
despite being forged
from granite

i've sworn myself
to a life of secrecy
stuffing my self
in a jar much too small
to contain me
i put a boulder on top
but the strength of that rock
is nothing compared
to the desire i've got
to let it all pour out of me