bruises on my feet from
a night i can't remember
in that town that i can still
navigate with my brain
turned off and my body
left to it's own devices, a
dangerous moment, but
i've been here before

a zombie version of myself
wanders down main street
staggering back to a home
that's not mine to crash in
a bed that i once would hide
in, alone, and it's crushing
this spirt of mine

and when i wake up the
next day to peals of laughter
and look at myself and don't
understand, i'm a mess and
a martyr who just can't grow
up yet and i'm bitter and
wishing that time was on
my side

when i pick up the phone
it's you that i hear now and
i'd do anything to turn back
the clock, but it's me and i'm
alone and i can't reach the
hands now, and breaking
it is the only way of making
it stop

wild the way that summer nights consume us
as we lay mesmerized in the damp grass
by the tiny buzzing bugs
who's butts blink bright inches above
our shining foreheads, thick with the day's sweat

and as our fingers walk a thin line
from blade to blade
they begin to dance
around one another,
seemingly full of life,
but all they yearn for is a place to rest

our faces are but inches away
and i can see the freckles
on your shoulders
as i look down because you've
already caught me staring
one too many times

little do i know, you're studying
the way the moon picks up
the blonde streaks in my hair
and the scar that sits
next to my left eye
and makes me look tougher than i am

and if we could both burst open
we would and our insides
would explode into the sky
like giant burning rocks hurtling
through the atmosphere,
gravity tugging us closer and closer
until we finally collide  into one another,
a beautiful disaster

the night that the earth stood still
i backed up into a parked car
and ran away drenched in cowardice
with guilt dripping off of me in long greasy streaks
like oil leaking out, painting the pavement
a color that none of us quite understand

i played games and ****** ruthlessly
and gobbled up a luna that came from a place
where the sun was still shining
and people were going to drop off their minds

i wore boots and stomped loudly
up old creaky stairways
with lace curtains whispering
of past indiscretions,
but i didn't listen,
just breezed on by

and when morning came and i laid there in silence,
except for the jangling of my bracelets
as i searched for the words that would sail me back to you,
i knew all at once that i was a liar and fraud

the earth was now moving
and i loved you, god, i loved you,
but i have never been on time

oh you are all so *******
good and ******* righteous
with your Facebook statuses
and tweets and blogs
that you pour your hearts into
reposting better men's works and words
cowering behind a screen
that hides the fact that you've
resigned your life to nothing
but giving others the publicity
that should have been yours

perhaps the more pathetic
thing is that we live in a world
where this is acceptable
and the norm
where people are given the ability
to like, and reblog, and comment
instead of actually making contact
and establishing relationships
"**** it, if i want to talk to you,
i don't actually have to talk to you!"

and here i am, the eternal hypocrite
writing a ******* poem on my macbook pro
that i'll post to a poetry forum
so i can get off on all of the likes, reads, and comments
it collects

i mean,
who the **** am i if nobody else tells me who i am?

i look outside
at the green murky water
that fills
my in-ground pool
and i remember the day
i tried to clean it
but i was too small
and weak
and the heat was too much
so i quit halfway through

and now leaves drift
slowly to their watery graves
among moles, spiders, and frogs
who foolishly yearned
to take a refreshing dip
from which they never returned

the reflection of the blue
october sky and
sparse leaves
is beautiful and heart breaking
and i half expect
corpses to
float to the surface
and beckon me below
with their waterlogged
finger tips
and broken tooth smiles

i picture myself,
toes on the edge of the diving board,
ready to take the leap

i'll swan dive in
and sink to the bottom
and broken bodies
will hold me
as i learn to say goodbye

remembering to let go
of what i've been
clenching in my fists
for so long
hurts

in the same way
the hunting blade did
in the raeman cabin

at first it's all shock
and the blood explodes
and it squirts
everywhere
and it's on my face and hers
and my clothes and hers
and the floor and the walls

i just looked at her
and said,
"i cut my finger"

and when i went
outside
everyone gathered
around me and stared

i'm not even sure what that
has to do
with what i began with

perhaps it's the shock
of something tearing into
you so deep
when you least expect
it

or maybe
it's the sustenance
that still pours out of me
despite
my desperate want
to hold it all inside

or the fact
that no one can help
but gawk with their
gaping mouths
at you as you're
losing vitality by
the seconds that pass
in slow motion,
but so quickly, all at once

and then all you're
left with
is a deep aching pain
that reaches
places you didn't know
would feel the gnawing throb
that settles in deep
and won't soon vanish,
but rest assured
when you lay
on your
pillow
surrounded
but your
curls,
resiliency is not
something
that you
were slighted of

the day that we stood
in that empty tar lot
and felt the heat rise
from the ground
into the soles of our converses
behind the apartment
under the overcast sky
was when i first knew
that i wasn't going to let go

it was after we had traipsed
through the woods
with your sisters
and i had climbed the wall of stone
and leaped fearlessly
to the water below,
you tried to kiss me
through a waterfall
and i was too afraid
to touch your lips

and as we stood there
and prolonged the inevitable
you took my face in your hands
and tried to kiss
every freckle
and it took all of me
to keep my knees from buckling

and when you bit my lip
in that way that you do
i felt like i was going to explode,
i couldn't get close enough
even if i crawled inside of you

i drove away slowly
watching you walk away
knowing,
i wasn't going to let go