I stare at the girl in the mirror
Her blank expression is unsettling
The purple under her eyes has grown tremendously
And she no longer wears a smile on the corner of her lips
Then I think
"No, they have to be two separate people. This isn't’t the girl that was there three months ago. Where did she go?"
But then I realize I already know the answer
This girl
The one with dead eyes and the blank expression must have eaten the other one
Swallowed her whole
I look at her eyes again and see a flash of the other girl trying to claw her way out from this one’s stomach.
Then she is gone and I can tell she is never coming back
A single tear rolls down my cheek in empathy for her even though I’m the one that killed her.

The roses in the window sit and welt in the soft sunshine
Their plump blushing petals soon turn to a despairing colour of dried blood
Petals crumple and crunch between my fingers like old bones
Dying, from the moment they were plucked
To show how eternal thou love is

black and blue words written on a thinly veiled world

in small print on a crisp white page

my story is written in red on the next page a dull used page with scribbles

and erase marks in child's hand writing.

Some pray and some wish
A cold breathless whisper on their lips
Snow, please, snow
A simple hope
That the land will become frost bitten and white
Crispness, blanketing the land
They dream of such beauty
So when they wake to rain
The groans are endless
And their faith, ever so slightly, waning

Your cold abscent arms wrap around me
And as it seems I love you
Everything about you
I love how you make my lips turn blue when you kiss me
Or your constant nipping at my nose
And how you make everything colder
And beautiful
So beautiful
But I fear
One of these days I am going to fall asleep next to you
Fragile and pale
And you'll **** me in my sleep
By a cruel trick of nature
Because all you wanted to do was fall asleep next to me
And hold me tight

I have galaxies hidden between my bones
And I will love you until the stars burn out

My mind is always somewhere else.

Somewhere where I’m not.

The devil doesn't lie
He just tells us the truth that we don't want to hear
He whispers in our ears the sad realities inside us
So we search for a god to justify us
To feed us lies
That make us feel better
When, really, its all empty promises
And denial
We are all the devil
We are all going to hell

***** me for trying to makes friends
It's hard
No ***** people and their selfish ways
I'd like to see you try

In my crowds I feel alone
amongst the sea of hugs
and the friendly words
I can feel the pity of their stare boring into my back

Liquid tongues and long faces dance around me like dogs; Maddened with insanity that pulses through me like electricity. Oh to be young and dying in the cold; No air left to breathe with no space to live. Colour is my enemy as it taunts my face and brushes it red. Through the dark decay of life on this god forsaken rock; All is forsaken in a non existent god who neither cares nor feels our pain. As we pour our efforts into days that grow short; Distracting ourselves from our pain.  It is like a drug in our poor minds; Begging on the street for more. Hell, the pain makes us human; Makes us feel. It brings light to that bottomless void in us and fills it with something that makes us feel alive. Without it, who are we to say we exist; With false fantasies of happiness conjured up by some puppeteer or dreamer; Where we are mere atoms that make up their life. But the pain makes us live; Makes it true. Makes us alive where otherwise we would be dying. It fills the void.

I can remember your face
It was the last time I saw you
I can see you clearly
With the pained expression on your face
As I read your get well cards to you
You began to mouth words
But you couldn't form the sounds
Those breathless word were the last thing you told me
I wish I knew what they were

I can hear the drums of war
As they echo off my rib cage
In my soul, war is being waged
Between the angels and demons
It's a silent sort of war
Still but ******
My demons are getting stronger
So strong
As the angels die off
And the night is still
As I am dying

I'm not broken
I'm heavy and sad and scared
I'm not a puzzle that need to be put back together or fixed
I'm ill not injured with metallic limbs
I can't even get up in the morning
And the more I remember
The harder it is to stand
And by god it hurts to be me

I can just smell the changing leaves

and the sleeping trees

I can feel the analogous color schemes in the air

Under a harvest moon trees become bare

Welcome autumn finally

And all the wonderful things you bring with it.

She is the last little ray of sunshine at the end of the day
My skin soaking in every last bit of her
I reach out to catch her but
I'll never be able to
She is my salvation, my soul
I can feel her roar through me like a hurricane
Shaking my support beams and rattling my windows
I break and she fixes me
And loves me
In every way I don't deserve
I love her whole heartedly
And she has ruined me for the world

I am not the child of a mother or father
But rather a side effect of a rather unexpected night
I am the child of a broken past
The one that sang me to sleep at night
And tucked me in
It was a better being sheltered by an idea
Then a drunk

My heart my soul keep quaking because I miss you in my bones

As another sunset befalls the world

all is silently asleep

The trees cast off their summer skin and fall into their dreams

as does all life on earth

When she lays us down and numbs our minds

with her vast white blanket on our world

The moon and her phases of life after life reins this barren world

For she has been cast out into the shadow to rule a lifeless world

Then the sun rises and a new world awakens

never learning

just reliving.

I love you not
Nor will I ever
I could never love you
No matter how hard I can try
I could never give you my soul
For you deserve so much more then the sad soul of this lonely girl
Because I can't put the burden of my heavy heart on your shoulders
For I care for you much more then you shall ever know My dearest
More then you shall ever know

Your right here
So close to me
I want to reach out and hold you
but you mind has drifted and now you are far
carried by the tide
Lost
but I promise to find you
Promise.

It's a sad sort of hell
Where I no longer feel at home in my skin with my friends
In the flesh with taunting faces
As the tears roll down my cheeks
And I can't help but sink deeper and deeper into this inferno
I feel heavy as lead
And melt like it too

I closed my eyes
And ignored
And was blind
I held my torch high
And my tablet tight
With its righteous words
I closed my eyes to the ignorance
And others followed suit
My green robes flowing around me I became a lie

She has a lazy curve on her lips
Like the colour of sin
It's the true shade of her heart
Not the vibrant lie she gives
It's the real colour of years of pain and sadness
A bitter sweet smile
The one she uses when she thinks no one is looking

The pennies burn through me like hot irons
They press through my heart and and sting my eyes with searing flesh
They hurt and they harden
Inside my bones they make me heavy
As the pennies collect
And I become nothing more than a metal tin
Now I  have enough to sink

I just sit here and watch you throw your life away
I just don’t know what to do
As you drown your pain in alcohol
All I can do is just sit by
Even after I went to the hospital because of your drinking problem
You still drink
And now I just don’t know what to do
I just don’t know anymore.

I’ve been running through the darkness all my life

It’s all I’ve ever known

But sometimes it nice to feel the sun on my face

I'm as cold as death
The black night seeping into my bones
Obsidian under my skin
Crystals grow and dig in deep
Poison
I'm as cold as death
I am just dead

Lonely souls of the same kind
      Comiserate

I dream of the cities far from my reach

Silently I call out for them

And the people who are long lost inside of them

Indigo ink on the black of my heart

that stain the pages of time and wraps around my soul

I got hurt again
You always hurt me
It's not your fault
I let it happen
I let it get to me
Like it always gets to me
It meant more to me then it did to you
I let it in
I let you in
I always do that
You always make me feel so nice
I feel good
Then it's gone
Like you
And my happiness
I let it slip away

Sometimes the wolves inside me threaten to tear their way out.

I’m scared

I don't even
Have
The energy
For tears
Or sadness
Only
Drowning

You smoothed the scars on my mangled skin
And brushed your finger tips to mine
You painted some sort of light in these dim eyes
And loved me when I couldn't
You sat me up straight and wiped the dread away
Now, when I close my eyes
I dream of you tomorrow

I lost my childhood long ago
When I saw him
I was at the top of the stairs gripping the railing
with little white knuckled hands
I watched a you turned her face black and blue
Later on in life I lost my love for you
When you beat her still and I grabbed your massive hand and tugged you off her
I blame you
For all the **** you've put me through
for all the sadness of not having you there
For her sadness
She wants to think she hates you, Dad
But she loves you still
If she didn't she wouldn't fool herself into hating you
But I do hate you

My cup sat alone on a self
Not that special to anyone else
Just a little white cup with gold trim
My cup
It was the cup I used to drink tea in before she died
Now it sat on the self
The only cup of it’s kind amongst the matching china
My cup is isolated
It gets pushed to the back
And now it’s collecting dust

Pent up so long within me they seem now to be tumbling off my tongue
Getting stuck between my teeth
I try to choke them down
Like I always do
But its usless

I like reading
Old peoples poems
They always are filled with an odd sense of knowing
And it makes me feel safe to know someone  **knows

Theroomisstuffy

and I c a  n   ’    t      b      r        e        a            t               h                   e

I can feel everyone’s eyes on me

or is that just the paranoia

I feel like my heart is

w

    e

       i

         g

            h

                i

                   n

                      g

                                     m

                                          e

                                                       d

                                                            o

                                                                 w

                                                                      n

The

world

is

turning

black

and

I

can

feel

myself

dying

I did it
I can't believe I did it
Why?
Good lawdy
why?
Why did I kissed him?

I found God underneath your skin
And blood
So much blood
As I took a butcher knife to your flesh
You bared your bones to me
****** faced as I carved my name into your heart
You ran away naked
You must have left your lungs behind that night
And your tongue, hidden in the night stand
I found God
And he was cold

Am I crazy for wanting to crawl out of my skin?
This endless craving for violent metamorphism pulsing in my heart
My stomach hungry for my own end
This body a bloated ****** whale carcass waiting to explode
As my skeleton wrestles its achy bones from this cocoon of flesh
Discarding the rotten remains of my own prison
Even then will I be free?

I am the ghost that haunts our house
With a sheet over my head
To hide the hole where my heart used to be for you
I've framed you for my death
To mask my own suicide
You're attempts at playing God only bury me further
Into this hole of apathy that I've made my bed
Laid with narcissus and nettle
I've come to put you to rest
Come lay your head
So I may bury you under the sweet mud of our love