I was born last night
And today the world looks so bright
Have you seen the sun?
Have you felt the rain?
Have you heard the blackbirds?
Building a nest on the windowpane
I was born last night
Everything is okay
Because today is the first real brand new day

Walked in the door on a humid night
Carnations singing and cardinals blooming
******* and reaping; it’s all the ******* same
They told me welcome home
I got a basket of small gifts
A whistle and a flower or two
I think there might have been a candle
It doesn’t matter
But no one looked me in the eye
They told me there was good news, though
Looked up to the valley in the ceiling
Where small drops of water poured out like a broken ******* dam
They said I was allowed to choose my own casket
This is window shopping
There is always a false premise
But wait, then I fell down two flights of stairs
But nobody asked if I was okay
“Does it hurt? Can you move it?”
None of that
It didn’t hurt and I could move it
But there’s that premise again
I fell asleep that night alone in the bed with nothing covering my body
Exposé
Extra, extra, read all about it: small girl in a suffocating world is she even ******* real
I had a dream of white women with blonde hair
And a bat hung upside down in a fireplace

i always ask myself how i know it isn't over with you. i always wonder how i can tell that you'll be back soon enough. it wasn't until recently that i started to develop a sixth sense for you. i began to notice the sensation that comes over me when fate catapults your soul back into mine. i have created a list:

1) there is a taste in my mouth. it is dry and heaving and tastes like the devil would taste. it leaves something to be desired. i guess you could compare it to fine dry red wine. but suddenly my tongue is a desert and i can taste you in the back of my throat.

2) you no longer matter to me. you disappear like a phantom. once i find a way to hurdle over you, you trip me up again. this is without fail. you must be picking twigs.

3) i forget to dream of you. you no longer visit my daydreams and nighttime dreams. i don't see you in my sleep and wake up vomiting your hazelnut-hued eyes.

4) weeks go by so much faster when your name evaporates from my life like water on the summer sidewalk. your name reminds me of the springtime and of fresh fruit. i bathe in the sound of your name. it starts in the front of my lips and travels itself to the back of my throat so eloquently and smoothly it feels like the first sip. i forgot how to pronounce your name.

5) there is always something missing. there is a hole in my chest in the shape of your beating heart. i want to hold it in my hand and keep it warm but unfortunately you like being cold when you sleep so i guess i will leave you alone for now. but the hole is still here.

i'm tired of writing lists. let's just talk about how i love you like the sun loves the dusk and the moon the dawn. it feels like an anvil has been lifted from my chest when i say it, that i love you. i love the little freckles on your shoulders that remind me of the constellations that i can see in the sky back home in florida. you know, there's much less light pollution in florida than here and you can see every star in the ******* sky those nights. i used to love it, now i am in love with it.

i love the smile where your eyes squat and all of your teeth show. i love the little hairs on your sternum and the spearmint flavor on your tongue. i love when you touch my hair or my face or anywhere on my body because i know that it is your hand and not anybody else's. i like to say to myself that i am yours and you are mine in those moments between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. you make me happy like a ******* child and you make me think about life in a way that seems so much brighter and more colorful than the way i do on my own.

i lie in bed thinking about you and your entirety and how blessed i am to know you. i think of how i will never be able to call you mine outside of those hours when i am allowed to feel you as if you were mine and it shatters my heart and fractures my soul. but i smile because i know you. i am happy that i will always know you. i will always be able to say that i have met you. i  have known you. i know the curves in your lips and the nuances in your voice and the fragility of your spirit. that is why i am happy.

i will always know you, even if you are not mine.

I'd like to break both of my elbows
So that I can point out to you
All of the places that I'd rather be
Than here

This tacky patterned wallpaper
Reminds me of the past and how
Even with repetition
There was always something new to see

But the other room is white
And it reminds me of now
Where there's nothing in sight
No matter how hard you look

I am growing tired
And I no longer desire to be "graced"
With the burden of oxygen
Breathing only makes me more tired

People with temporary troubles **** themselves
So what if I am permanently ****** up?
It feels a little bit warmer today
But the windchill is still -25 degrees
So I think I will stay inside

And there were battles in our eyes
And they fell down our faces
Like little waterfalls
And by the time the battle had ended,
We were fast asleep
And dreaming of times we could not
Consciously remember
We dreamt of loud music
And blue eyes with black pupils
We dreamt of the sun;
High, hot, heavy, and mighty
Suspending in the sky
We dreamt of loose clothes
Falling off of our bony bodies
We dreamt of ecstasy –
In our spirits
And our mouths
And the way the bitter raindrops taste
When the little battles landed
On our tongues
We dreamt of shotguns and empty bottles
Cornhusk ropes and broken lighters
So when I wake up tomorrow
I will not think of you
Because a dream well-spent
Is a dream well-kept

So I sit here and I
inhale minty smoke
into my lungs
and I play Southern Cross
on repeat in my brain
And for some reason
I can’t help but feel a little
Ashamed
of the soreness on my arms
And my ribs
And I can’t help but feel
A little ashamed
That no one can know
How bad it feels to raise my hand
or hug my best friend
Not only due to the soreness on
my arms and ribs
But also due to the soreness in
My heart
So I inhale one time
And exhale twice
And I dust warm ash off of my thigh
Now I sit in the stinging cold
And I can’t help but feel like
I wish the car would have flipped
And crushed all my internal
Organs
Everyone else would have
Lived
And forgotten
With maybe a scar or two
On their arms
Or on their ribs
Just like me
And that’s how I would
Be remembered
Through little cuts and scrapes
On arms
And ribs
And bruises
On necks
And faces

I can’t help but envy those
Whose first thought in the morning
Is a person or a place
Or a feeling or a face
Because all I have these days
Are a bottle and a pen
And a lighter and then
I think about how lonely the dark
Must feel to be
When it is only it and me
Because the dark is the only one who sees
What it is truly like to be me
It is the only one who knows
What happens once men walk out my door
When the insides of my thighs are sore
Because my insides tell me
I am nothing but a ***** *****
The dark must have been the one
To predict
That I am only destined
To get more and more sick
And my future is lipstick
And a hotel bar
Only because my present is a used rubber
And a tangerine scar
The dark knows how ****** up it is
To live inside of a head so twisted
The dark is tall and it’s black
And it stands on two feet
It watches me breathe
And it watches me sleep
It drinks all my tears
It knows all my fears and
(What’s worse?)
It is always near
It shouts "Long live the fear!”
Into my ear
And “Long live the boozing
And smoking for the rest of your years
On earth!”
I know it isn’t fair
And, surely, it isn’t right
But it isn’t worth it to try to put up a fight
To a void with no mass;
A storm that cannot be put into a class
The dark wants me beat, and I know it will
The dark wants to eat, and it has me to ****
The darkness is a monster
And the monster is rare
But when it is around
You can taste it in the air
You can hear its hum
And you can feel its glare
So what would you do
If you felt the darkness there?