I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly ****
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?

The words inside of me
setting me free
free
letting me flee
So I can run laps
on the things
       that chase
             me
Surprise what
      I fear most
  by facing it
head on

    Who doesn't say
to do such a thing?

   love what you hate
        for the hate that
                    it brings
         love the pain for
                    such things
such beautiful words
such superb
feeling

Pain is beauty
fear is love
there is nothing to
fear
nothing to
run from
It is all beautiful.

For a second
They are both happy
For a second
The bees above my head are not killing themselves and each other with their stingers
For a second
My heart
and my soul
and my mind
are at peace
There is no heartache,
No headache
No sorrowful soul
Not a single temptation
to fall
It will not last long
But I achieved the impossible
For a second
I've got what makes me happy
For a second
There is peace
And already
I can feel that second
Slipping away

And the pain comes back
To grip my chest back in its cage.

It's been almost one whole year, my love.
When will this charade be over?
I've been quiet in the background,
hiding in the shadows,
waiting for the day they all will know.
I never thought it would last this long.

When will I be freed of this indefinite sentence?
When will we stop playing this game of hide & seek?
When will you unveil me?

I'm still waiting...

Your actions breed my insecurities
And over all this time they have bred my definition for heartache

Who says that I am not allowed
To let myself sink down to your level?
The scores have always seemed even,
I always thought they were settled.

Never
They never were.
I am still like your dangly toy on a string
Bouncing around,
Dreaming of running around on its own feet

I am waiting
For two things
That seem important to this impact.

I cannot imagine life
If neither of them ever come

Only death.

Sometimes it feels like
we're just making excuses
to not see each other.
Is that what's happening
or
am I just overthinking things?
Are we getting closer
or further apart?

Do I
still truly
have your heart?

If you could put them all together,
If you could make the pieces fit
You would see a story
Not different
From your own.

You could see
that you are
me
from long ago

and I am

well...
you perhaps
who's yet to be

You could get a partial picture
of my soul in every piece
the emotion
in words flowing
know
                that all of them
                        are me

And if you put them
all together
I can set myself free

   Understand
        that I am always
                       myself,
        Even though I've changed

How could I
not be me?

the night she crawled inside my mind
i was too scared and lost
to play too much
i couldn't understand the separate
worlds
you both left
and figured it out

but you came back
and i told you in a voice
so happy it seemed scary,
fake, and childish
that i've heard you use
so many times before
"i couldn't handle
being normal anymore"

i've finally gotten over
the fact that i'm insane

I hate that the words
Don't come anymore.
I despise how desire
Has fled.

I cannot create anything,
No inspiration,
No relief.

Nothing releases me.
And I'm stuck
In the empty nothingness.

To You,
I feel betrayed
I was patient and I waited
And you're still not here
Will you ever be?
You gave me excitement
I wanted to see you
  But all you have given me since
Is silence
No apology
for not arriving on time
No mention
Of when you may actually arrive

It makes me feel
unimportant

It always did.

I feel paranoid
Like you're watching
every move
I can't
hear the door creak
or the air shift
without my heart going off
like the shot has been fired
and the race has started

the need has only been intensified
And it chokes me.

The old tainted laamp
Waits on the wood
Where wall meets wall.
Waiting
for a lightening bolt to strike
in me.
Waiting for uniqueness
to flow.
Giving something as
noticable as the glow it once shed.
Yet storms are
delaying waiting for
their moment
to wake me up.
But as we both wait
for the unique
We'll just
sit
and stare
at each other.

Tonight she sees a different kind of rage.
A color not seen before
More dangerous than she has ever known
For the rage of love
Will turn man to pure madman
No longer seeing through their own eyes, their own heart
Their vision is blood red
And it is a color she has never witnessed.

She holds up her stance against his advances
Putting her foot down where usually the line is way past drawn
For what has gotten into his head?
His actions are not coated with kindness as she used to know
Fury consumes him in a lustful fire
And his skin burns you with its touch
His burns leave more than marks upon your flesh
When you try to stand tall, he brings more
And will not stop until he has had his heart's desire
He is fire
And you are merely tall grass laid out in his path
As you try to ask what coals have fed his heart
He turns to you in unloving disgust and spits at you:
"Those simple things he did for you made your heart melt."
Like he finds it unjust, unfair
For you to have different feelings.
Love and lust and jealousy feed his rage
And the fire grows
And consumes.

A lifetime of fragile bones
taught me to put away
all sharp objects.

I know before
those words would have been
a blessed rainstorm
in a desert
but now
they seem a bit too much
like desperate measures.
I know before
those sweet three words
would be all I needed
But now my thirst
will only disperse
with something a bit sweeter,
a bit deeper
more than just some promise
of perfect love in the future.
the future is NOW,
my love.
my boat's slowly
drifting off to sea
and if you do not catch it soon
You may just miss out
on me...

Living through the pain
With every look
Every single look of hurt
In your eyes
Your suffering
Your sadness
I caused it
I am at blame
For your unhappiness
I am at blame
For that look in your eyes
I toyed with you
****** with you
And still care for you
How could I?
What can I do?
I caused all this pain for you
and there is nothing
I can do about it.

Today I am a deep black hole
Filled with cold and worthlessness.
I am as deep and as wide as the sky
And as shallow as a spring puddle
I have no heart, no soul
For I fear that I am nothing.
I am not worth a shoulder to lie on
Nor a person fall into.
I deserve no grace or pity
But I deserve what I have coming to me.

I can still feel the burn on my face
The feel of your lips
The oddness and the greatness of it all
But I have to come to a decision
And the deadline's heading quickly

I've never been a quitter
So why force me to quit?
Don't give me your 'everything and nothing's
Just tell me like it is.
The universe does disappear
Time does stop
But it comes quickly
Our reluctance will be nothing but a slap back in our faces.
But reality jumps and bites
***** our blood

And at this rate we will soon
Be nothing but cold, empty-bodied, dead versions of ourselves.

I sit in quiet mourning
And mourn his broken heart
For now I know he wishes
This will be where we part
I excited him,
Enjoyed him,
Spent wonderful time
But I ran to him
Then ran from him
Left him there behind.

Neither of you
Are the love of my life
But I love you right now

Spreading my heart
Is what feels good to it right now
What feels good to my soul

But your rejection is understandable
I don't deserve your precious heart
I don't deserve.

It's hard to be clever
when sometimes I wonder
if we should still be together.

It's hard to make a ****** pun
when I know
later in bed, there will be none.

It's hard to find rhymes
in the midst of my apathetic mind
when I know I have to beg,
when I'm feeling left behind.

All I can find at this time
are words with pieces
of my rotting heart,
words that only serve
at pushing us apart.

How about an empty card?

Calm yourself, little girl
questions mean nothing.
glances are nothing.
Don't start getting all high and mighty
thinking he's thinking of you.
You're nothing.
You're nothing in his eyes
but a flirty little girl.

He doesn't seem like that?
Well, have you ever thought of what you seem like to other people?
Well it's nothing like you are.

Just remember,
you're no priority in his life
until he proves such.

Don't make him important
if you're not that important to him.

just like everyone else
sometimes the dark rock
seems too hard to handle
but i don't think
my shoes are much cleaner
or even dirtier
than yours
your shoes might be
a bit bigger
or smaller
or have more holes

but in the end
our soles
are usually worn
in the shape of a foot
walking through
glass and flowers
everyday

You think you can pull that **** on me
And still be "the one"?
You must be so blind, babe
If you can't see what you've done.

Don't start pushing buttons, dear
You might just push your luck
Cause I'm done playing games
And I'm done with being stuck.

You just might wanna back up
My wings take up some room
And you can bet that when I spread 'em
You won't treat me like a fool.

All this talk of suicide will
Make me go insane.
I've been around that block before
I can't take that drive again.

I don't mean to sound so callous
But you're upsetting my balance
So if you push too hard
I'd better warn you, I have talons.

Though I won't use them on you,
I will use them on myself.
I've got caverns in my mind
that look a lot like hell.

I want to spread my wings and fly
far from these caves inside my mind
So if you're not going to help
I'm gonna leave you far behind.

Alright?

Pain
Like an unforgiving waterfall
Crashes on me
Rips open my skin
And pours its horrible thoughts
Into my soul
I am sick to my stomach
Its acids eat me up from the inside
Actions
And consequences
Actions
And consequences
Break a promise, please?
DON'T YOU  DARE
Please don't say that
You don't care anymore
Act the same
PLEASE
Act the same
Could this now be a point?
A turning point in which your head turns
Away?
Away from me?
How could you dare?!
Keep your promises
I'll keep mine
HOLD ON.

I wish I could help you
Fix you
I wish I hadn't done what I did to you
Maybe I should have just shut you out
from the very beginning
Run at the very first
Warning sign
But I didn't
I was a fool
I didn't know what I was getting into
Something more than friends
Something more than excitement
Even more than disloyalty
I brushed on the surface of love
And sent ripples through the water
That eventually turned into waves,
Roughs,
Tsunamis.
And they crashed on you,
Drown you.
I am at fault
For all of this.
But all I can do is repeat words like the waves.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

I don't want to be
your midnight lover
And not your daytime friend
I want you to take me places
Not just lay in my bed
I want you to know
the depth of me
But I'm too scared
of your judgment

Who are you?
What am I?
Who have we become?
Our hearts
May have different beats
But they're still on
The same drum
You may still show
   your face sometimes
But I'm still out
       of luck
So hard to keep
   you by my side
If you're going to
  stay so stuck

I'm running a muck
The baddest part
            of me
Always let be
To roam around
          free
As long as it's
not in my mind
  torturing me

You could set me
                      free
Let both our
    caged hearts fly
But first you must
  make
your biggest escape
And stop the lies

Hard, isn't it?

Everything sails smoothly
even on the inside
until I watched that movie
(in the theater we went to on our first date)
and the people that everyone wants together
always end that way.
no matter how many
hardships they trial.
And I know
(as I watch them embrace on the big screen)
that you'll never care for me
never again.
You don't even hurt
like I do
You never have.
(She cries on his shoulder, even when he hurt her)
It never stops
the loneliness
I need you.
But you don't care.
I want you to stop making me fall to pieces
every single day
I want you to stop watching me
(I can see you, even if you don't think so)
No, I won't make eye contact
No, I don't want to be friends.

"Go back to the rock from under whence you came"

You don't even care.
Don't say sorry.
I know you don't mean it.
*******.

You said you loved me but you never did.
You said you trusted me but you never shared.
I need some relief from your memory
I need a release from this

Let's go back,
Back before I was eight,
Before the times that 'aren't so great'
Before the world showed me 'choice'
Before it stifled my voice
Yeah, let's go back to the core of me
I would bring in the night, howl with the setting sun,
Standing on the petals going as fast as I could
I was free
We made caves out of dirt piles across the street
And mud pies
Before, when the only scars were the scabs on my knees
And my parents still kissed
Every night he got home.

When being happy was easy,
Not a choice

And life was adventure

Oh yes please take us back to
Where the wild things are

I long for you
but I feel like I shouldn't.
He's been the kindness
That you couldn't
But you touched my soul
In a way
He never has.

You are the air
that I am breathing
Yet you choke me
And I feel as though
I'm suffocating
Trapped in an endless maze
Of need

How sad
That he is not the one
To whom I profess my love
Everynight while I am sleeping
That he is not the one
Who makes my heart stop beating
Just by the simple thought

Now I am stuck
In a prison I have built
With solid bars of fear
And a frozen floor of guilt
I am my own jailor
For I still hold the key
But I do not have the courage
or the surety
To make myself free

And so I sit

My choices have drained me
of my words
my freedom
my self.

there are dark times
Where not even words can find me
those times
I can go weeks without writing
why do I experience such breaks?
such immense writer's block
swimming alone in a sea of company
I get lost
The passion disappears
And I feel empty
The words they just won't come
to free me of this misery

Where am I?
Where have my precious poems flown?
I must know so I can
Find a way to follow
Get myself back in sync
With the waves inside this ocean
Lead myself back to god
Try to keep myself open

And when that moment does strike
I am in the wrong place and time
I cannot stand aside
And let the words in my mind
                                             unravel
And I never get them back
They fly away without me
and I am stuck
         can't find their tracks
         And see where they have gone
For if I do not heed them
         They will leave me

Where can I find control?
     Or is that the whole point?
Not being able to have a say
     of when these words will free me
     of where these words will take me

For it seems
        I am a prisoner
           to the thing that
                        sets me free.

I wish I had the perfect words to say
Wish I had the perfect plan to pull
To open your eyes,
To pull off the veil
I wish that deep down inside
You wanted to stay
You didn't want to be like them
You didn't want to be a part of them.

I wish you could see
How ******* it is.
I wish you didn't believe.
I wish you could actually be the complete perfect picture that I paint in my head.

But that won't ever happen.

Still
I look for any clue or excuse
For you to not love the thing I hate

Is it impossible?
Am I wasting my time?

Divine words
that flow right through me
Catch me in the moments
      light
race a little faster
   than my mind
          can catch
   than my mind
          can remember

Where does this flow go
after it goes through me
Does that way continue
     And touch through to you?
Is that how we are
               connected
this wave of divine art
      these words
   that seem to be mine
          have flown
   where does this urge go
When I have satisfied it?

Can I lock it inside
   Because I am divine
  Remember my rhymes
            and speed up
     on my flow
          watch it go
can I make anything
    of these words
          in waves
inside of me?
  Their rhythm,
           if disturbed
    pauses

           halts

       breaks

    sometimes
disappears
com
plete
ly


gone.

Maybe one day you'll be good, girl.
Maybe one day you'll have worth.
Your tortured mind will be better than just for torturing everyone else and isolating yourself.
Maybe one day someone will admire you.
Maybe one day your words will have worth.
They'll hear what you say, what you feel, what you know, what you live.

Maybe
Just maybe
You'll be a worthy friend.
A worthy daughter.
A worthy lover.

Maybe some day you'll have worth.

Between the two of us
We have enough battle scars
To cover football fields
We've been hurt so often
We perfected
How to heal
How to control what we feel

So between us
    there lies a giant scab
All the pain we've caused
                                     each other
           lies just beneath the surface
Careful not to pick it
         Don't let the blood rise to the
                                                           top
Cause if the wound is opened up
                                      again
    I don't think
                 it's gonna stop

So close to perfection
And sometimes I feel it.
I see what you could be.
See what I could want you to be.

Maybe it's better that you're not that way.
Maybe
I'm insane.

What is inside
that eats at me?
The fact that you might read this
Shouldn't change a thing
But it makes me think,
Maybe I could reach you

              And do what?

Ever since that day
You walked out that door
My heart's been in a box
Underneath the floor
And when I fall asleep
I can hear it's beating
Still to the rhythm of your breathing

But what can I do
this parasitic worm
crawls its way around my organs
the poison that it spreads
Warms them
Keeps them alive
Cause everyday
     I don't hear your voice,
        don't see your face,
        don't touch your skin
Somehow I survive.

One little step out of line
And you will flee.
But if it is this way now
Then that is the way it will always be
I cannot not be myself
Even in recovering sorrow
I may be yearning to keep you
But I am still yearning to keep myself more

And if you do
In the end
Still decide to throw me away
I will be
So far gone.

With no
More dignity or strength
Left

I was hoping you would be
that passionate, sweet, hidden boy
under a blanket of shyness
that a star whispered
"he is"
I run for you
with smiles written well across my face
my heart agape,
I run.
You sit, smirking your triumph - and power
thy hath a name:
tis love.
Love which controls all
which sends my thoughts, racing
leaves me aching
pacing
What is thy name that hast such control over my even-minded manner?
'tis love, 'tis power.
You are my greedy obsession

And he, my greedy non-obsessed

And even though she warms me
About the place that you are heading
That you will need me
That something bad will happen if I'm not there for you

Part of me is angry
And wants to see you fall
Wants to prove that
I was right all along
Part of me wants to see you crash
I tried to help, to change for so long
That I finally gave up

And you will finally understand why
You will finally understand me

Even though it is far too late for you to
Come back and change anything
You will know why I did the things I did,
Said the things I said.

And you will know you should have listened
And you will have learned.

But part of me knows
It won't change a thing.