I cannot get a grip upon
Who I used to be
Why'd you have to go do a thing like that?
I am so confused
As to why you thought
You were better with me gone
Why couldn't you tell me the truth?

Why would you say all of those things
of forever and promise and love
Up until the very last day
Why would you say those things
When you thought almost everyday of breaking me?

"I'll always be there for you"
How could you say that
Just as you were letting me go,
Pushing me away?
When you weren't at the very time??
Is she that much better?
What makes her so when you told me I was perfect?

But that is a lie.
And you knew it from the very start.
The first time I irritated you or hurt your feelings
How could you do something like that
To someone you truly loved?
You couldn't.

If some things were lies
Who's to say others weren't as well
Who's to say all were not?

How could you lie
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not know?
How could you leave
As simply as that
Or did you simply just not care?

You were trying
To make Christmas a good thing for me again
After hating it for so long
Despising all its stupid songs
You said that you could change that

You told me December is the month of love
And I understood
As I watched the flakes fall around you
Sticking to your long lashes and hair
I understood.

We got to the root that I enjoyed Christmas songs about love.
You said that's what most were about
After all
December
Is the month of love

You told me how not to get cold
Though I'd been told how
So many times before
But I actually took the advice
And started enjoying the snow
Enjoying each path of each flake
As they fell around you


I threw away the ornaments we made for you
(One actually shattered
When I tapped them together>
I threw away our picture frames
(Surprisingly in one piece>
Too bad they were a waste of money.
I don't know what to do with the
Clay figurine I made you
Guess I'll have to give it away.
How I hate to see hard work to waste.
And I guess I don't have to worry
About buying you those numerous presents
For everyday
Of the "love" holiday
That you love so much.
Don't have to worry about making the cd
Or baking the cookies
And that card
"You put the merry
In my Christmas"
(Because you were really getting there)
Will have to eventually find its way to the trash as well

You had me going for a while there
Caught up in the "month of love"
December is none but a month of death
And you have proved this to be true
And Christmas is even more unbearable because of you
Every single song of "love"-
"Wouldn't want to spend it with any other girl"
Just makes me break down
And the snow,
Well the snow,
Just makes me think of lying down,
And freezing to death.

Tonight she sees a different kind of rage.
A color not seen before
More dangerous than she has ever known
For the rage of love
Will turn man to pure madman
No longer seeing through their own eyes, their own heart
Their vision is blood red
And it is a color she has never witnessed.

She holds up her stance against his advances
Putting her foot down where usually the line is way past drawn
For what has gotten into his head?
His actions are not coated with kindness as she used to know
Fury consumes him in a lustful fire
And his skin burns you with its touch
His burns leave more than marks upon your flesh
When you try to stand tall, he brings more
And will not stop until he has had his heart's desire
He is fire
And you are merely tall grass laid out in his path
As you try to ask what coals have fed his heart
He turns to you in unloving disgust and spits at you:
"Those simple things he did for you made your heart melt."
Like he finds it unjust, unfair
For you to have different feelings.
Love and lust and jealousy feed his rage
And the fire grows
And consumes.

You give me feelings I have never felt before
So complex no word describes them.
Only parts I can tell
Are if they're positive or negative
And my chest can hardly contain them.
Confusing, perplexing, amazing
As these feelings are
I am lost
At how to handle
They are something never seen before
Never dealt with before
I cannot relish in them
For they are almost an ache
Of something that needs to be fixed
But almost a relief
In something that is not broken

Some days
In dealing with you
I feel like I am another person
Dealing with myself
But then I cannot help
To feel other than that you are on a higher level than me

But

You ask me of times
Of measurements
I have yet to tell you
That I cannot answer these questions
For my mind has abandoned time
When it abandoned me
I cannot even grasp its concept anymore
Or give you an estimate

Because I guess I do live in the present, the now
And part of me feels ashamed for being so
Because I know you will belittle it
But part of me knows

You're wrong.

I can make it on my own
I am ok
When I am awake.
But there is sadness in my dreams
That cannot be described

Making my way back to your room
Reading your notebooks.
Missing you.
"No."
With that simple statement
Turned his gaze on mine,
Challenging.
He pointed the gun to my face

And shot 3 times.

The world caves in
And suffocates me
Nothing will ever be
How it used to be

Can't find peace
In anything I do
My heart is unhappy

I cannot find my path
I cannot find my happiness
All I know is that I want to see you
But you don't want to see me.
All I know is that I don't want to see you
But you want to see me

The world has crashed
And I am crushed underneath it.
No air.
No escape.
No relief.

I sit in quiet mourning
And mourn his broken heart
For now I know he wishes
This will be where we part
I excited him,
Enjoyed him,
Spent wonderful time
But I ran to him
Then ran from him
Left him there behind.

Neither of you
Are the love of my life
But I love you right now

Spreading my heart
Is what feels good to it right now
What feels good to my soul

But your rejection is understandable
I don't deserve your precious heart
I don't deserve.

Only his good grace and care for others
To erase my name
Prove his love to the human race
And rid of me

Would only be doing the world much better
If I were dead and gone
There is no room for my problems here
No room for my thoughts

But then again to be my fate
To be like this
To feel all of the pain
I have gained,
I deserve.

Maybe death a too good fate for me
And I will live a life of suffer
But why not put everyone at ease
And just stick me six feet under?

Please send him someone wonderful
To love his heart like I could not
Please send him someone beautiful
To ease the pain I left in his heart

I can't stay to pick up the pieces
Because it is not for me to do
So please send him that one someone
Who can love him too

My instability caused him pain
I toyed around with him
I feel so bad for what I've done
But sorry won't fix anything.

Please send him someone gentle, patient, and kind
Someone who can see the love in his eyes
Let her love him like he wants to be loved
Let her be the one who breaks all ties

Send him happiness
Send him joy
Send him true love
Send him all the things I couldn't

Because he deserves it.

Never want to see you hurt
Never want to see you die
The pain is inevitable

Pain is stifled
Pain is smothered
This world will never be what you want
This life will never fill what you need.

Forgive
Forget
Live on
Regret

I am a coward.
I will never know what I want
I will never know hot to feel
How to follow my heart

I do my best to forget.
But I cannot forget you
And I cannot forget
What a fool
I am.

These tiny moments with you, I cherish
Until I can have my whole piece of the pie.
I will move my foot forward
No matter what led casing it is in
Some things will break
Some things will bend
But everything will be alright

I'll take your advice and words to heart
But not to soul
For that is where only I may lie
For my soul must be free
Of any but me
My soul must be free

Your actions breed my insecurities
And over all this time they have bred my definition for heartache

Who says that I am not allowed
To let myself sink down to your level?
The scores have always seemed even,
I always thought they were settled.

Never
They never were.
I am still like your dangly toy on a string
Bouncing around,
Dreaming of running around on its own feet

I am waiting
For two things
That seem important to this impact.

I cannot imagine life
If neither of them ever come

Only death.

I can still feel the burn on my face
The feel of your lips
The oddness and the greatness of it all
But I have to come to a decision
And the deadline's heading quickly

I've never been a quitter
So why force me to quit?
Don't give me your 'everything and nothing's
Just tell me like it is.
The universe does disappear
Time does stop
But it comes quickly
Our reluctance will be nothing but a slap back in our faces.
But reality jumps and bites
***** our blood

And at this rate we will soon
Be nothing but cold, empty-bodied, dead versions of ourselves.

Today I am a deep black hole
Filled with cold and worthlessness.
I am as deep and as wide as the sky
And as shallow as a spring puddle
I have no heart, no soul
For I fear that I am nothing.
I am not worth a shoulder to lie on
Nor a person fall into.
I deserve no grace or pity
But I deserve what I have coming to me.

I've started the death race
My foot on the pedal, not the brake
(Which any sane person would)
But I took a leap
(More like step forward)
And fell upon what I've been fighting against
All this time
3 days
13 months
When you fall into a hole
do you try to climb to the top
-Scraping your hands and knees on the way falling down a few times and damaging your heart
Or do you dig yourself deeper till you can no longer see the sun?
(Out of desperation with nothing left to do)
-Because you fear the climb, the falls, the difficulty
-Pitting yourself against yourself because you've already come this far?

I must really want to see China

For I am dug, maybe (hopefully) buried.

And I fear I will never feel the warmth of sun again.

At least one heart is going to be broken

I just hope
God I hope
That it's mine.

And the pain comes back
To grip my chest back in its cage.

For a second
They are both happy
For a second
The bees above my head are not killing themselves and each other with their stingers
For a second
My heart
and my soul
and my mind
are at peace
There is no heartache,
No headache
No sorrowful soul
Not a single temptation
to fall
It will not last long
But I achieved the impossible
For a second
I've got what makes me happy
For a second
There is peace
And already
I can feel that second
Slipping away

Where do we go from here
Do you stand the same
As you did before
I know you love me
But do you really want to leave?
Do you just not have the strength to go away?
And if you don't now,
How do you expect to ever?

I had the world when I had you
I always said I just wanted happiness
But was too blind by my own "faults" to see forever in your eyes
I have no one to blame but myself
So please do not pity me
Ignore my dramatization
I will survive.
I just don't believe it yet.
I will smile someday
But for today
I cannot forgive myself.
I will not die
But I feel as if the world has ended
So
Don't worry for me.
I will be ok.
Someday.

Darkness swallow me
Envelop my heart
For it needs not to beat anymore if not for him.
I needs no memory
Of everything it lost
Just numb me
From feeling everything
Just don't even  try to tell me
Everything will be alright.
I am gone
I am nothing
Lost to this world.
And it is all my fault

I will never get him back.

Like a reward for not ending it all
One more precious second in your company
One more touch

To not be dismissed
Is more of a blessing
Than I could ever ask for

"The sweetest lullaby in the darkest of times"

I will probably never have the sweet song I had before
But maybe I will not only have just a memory?

But a tinkling music box
With the bittersweet version of the tune
I once fell asleep to.

Something has changed.
Something is gone.
Sadness has faded
But I fear so has my self-worth,
My true me,
My control.
I said I wanted to be happy
I wanted to be free of this numbness and pain
Is it worth the cost?
Of becoming a submissive role?
Of taking the underbelly side of life?
Is it worth becoming the person that I was before
Blinded and mute,
To be happy,
To be free (in a sense of the word)?
Isn't that all I aspired for?

But who will I become
If immediate gratification
Is all I chase after?

One more hit, one more drink
And you'll forget the pain
If you feel that little stab
Well, down the hatch again
You cannot ignore reality
Dreams only make the pain increase
So take this pill, accept this life
You can do that at least
You don't have to be happy
But you don't have to be sad
Just chill and accept your life
Take this medicine, it will make you feel better
Let it numb you
It will create a reality
Where the past does not exist
It will create a world
Where your emotions aren't overwhelming
Where you can just be,
Free of yourself
And everyone else
Free of worry of time and noise
Free of pain, of love, of choice
You are free of caring if he's there or not,
If he was at all,
That he is not enough.
You are free of the darkness, my friend
But don't let this fool you,
It is not light.

It hurts to remember
I want to forget
But every time I think of letting go
I feel lost and confused
Like life is nothing without even a thought of you.
Want to wallow in mourning
In yearning, in pain
Rather than forget your face.
It was nothing
I am nothing to you anymore
Why are you still part of me?

I'm sorry that you have to go so low
For just that little happy
I'm sorry that I pushed you there
Giving you no other way
For running our underneath you as your balancing post
Tripping you flat on your face
And not helping you out

To have him be like you were
To have him care about me more than about himself
For him and I to share our own little apartment
Own little bed
For it not to be impossible to live with him without bickering
To have a grip on who I am
And not have to give up anything or anyone
To not be angry with my mother
And have my lip pierced.
For college and the future not be be some scary thing.
To know a direction to take.
He could have those posters on his wall
We wouldn't have to smoke
Or drink for that buzz
That erases the sting.
For him staying through everything
To not be the
Base good thing
Or to have you here still
Never have left
Still dreaming of something
As simple as December walks
And waking up with the sun.

To lie beside you every night
Held in your arms as I fell asleep
Woken with the late morning rays
And your smile
Spending our early days
Laughing
Playing piano together, for one another
Talking walks in the brisk early December air
Holding hands
And walking our black lab.
Trying to manage and get by
With our

One little step out of line
And you will flee.
But if it is this way now
Then that is the way it will always be
I cannot not be myself
Even in recovering sorrow
I may be yearning to keep you
But I am still yearning to keep myself more

And if you do
In the end
Still decide to throw me away
I will be
So far gone.

With no
More dignity or strength
Left

Maybe one day you'll be good, girl.
Maybe one day you'll have worth.
Your tortured mind will be better than just for torturing everyone else and isolating yourself.
Maybe one day someone will admire you.
Maybe one day your words will have worth.
They'll hear what you say, what you feel, what you know, what you live.

Maybe
Just maybe
You'll be a worthy friend.
A worthy daughter.
A worthy lover.

Maybe some day you'll have worth.

So close to perfection
And sometimes I feel it.
I see what you could be.
See what I could want you to be.

Maybe it's better that you're not that way.
Maybe
I'm insane.

I don't want to be
Another body's kryptonite
I've watched that story
Played that game

Maybe I'm just out
Looking to get hurt
Like I have hurt
Looking to be cheated
Like I had cheat

Go ahead
I'm not afraid
Of looking like a fool

I want to forget
Forget about feelings
Forget about love
Forget about caring
Attachment is suffering

Pain sing me to sleep
Let me hear that bittersweet lullaby
Let it run through me.
Let it sweep me off of my feet
And take me away
From here

The most beautiful thing I could ask for
A simple continuous string of blood
Sing me your lullaby
Bring me your comfort, friend
You are the one that I control
You are the one that always shows

I'm sorry you can't anchor me
Cut the rope,
Cut you down
I cannot hold on to you
Have to let your go
You have to let me go

I have stepped away
and now
I am turning my head
To look forward
To let go of the past

I must move on
And I cannot
With you pulling me back


I'm sorry.

Your ghost
In everyone's words
In stories
In the drugs you commit to
In your songs
In our songs
Your pain
In your eyes
In people's eyes
In your walls
In your words

It's a slippery slide
Everyday
Any mention of you
And I'm on my way
Down
Down
Down
Any mention of you
And I can see in his eyes,
On his way
Down
Down
Down

How much fruit do you want in your basket?
Take a gamble little girl
If you put them all in
They'll all be spilled over
If you put none in the basket
Your heart will suffer

So how much you want to gamble, sweetie?
How much you want to bet you'll lose
Put your money in babe, we're all high rollin
Time to put on your dancin shoes

I wish I could help you
Fix you
I wish I hadn't done what I did to you
Maybe I should have just shut you out
from the very beginning
Run at the very first
Warning sign
But I didn't
I was a fool
I didn't know what I was getting into
Something more than friends
Something more than excitement
Even more than disloyalty
I brushed on the surface of love
And sent ripples through the water
That eventually turned into waves,
Roughs,
Tsunamis.
And they crashed on you,
Drown you.
I am at fault
For all of this.
But all I can do is repeat words like the waves.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Living through the pain
With every look
Every single look of hurt
In your eyes
Your suffering
Your sadness
I caused it
I am at blame
For your unhappiness
I am at blame
For that look in your eyes
I toyed with you
****** with you
And still care for you
How could I?
What can I do?
I caused all this pain for you
and there is nothing
I can do about it.

To be with the one I want
I can't see you everyday.
Only thing I can do is walk aimlessly
Maybe you don't want to see me
I'm so lost
Maybe I shouldn't see you
It's so hard
Can't hear your voice
I'm stuck.
"I'm falling, falling for you babe"
More and more each day.
Follow my heart?
Well it pulls me to you
I am not allowed to follow
Where it leads me to.
You've got me by the heartstrings
And they're pulling with each step
I think I'm going crazy
Going crazy

You would never know what happened
Wouldn't know what the explosion felt like
Till the bomb ticked its final tick
You could never know how you'd feel about me
Till I really beat your heart with a stick.
You used to say "I could never hate you"
How naive you were
Because here you are now
With your face in a frown
Your heart in a stir.
I knew it back then
Just as I know it now
How easy it would be
How simple and quick,
So much that you're sick
No, it wouldn't be hard
To make you hate me.
Because hate is your reaction to pain
Whether or not you give it that name
Hate is still hate
And now you hate me.

Like I'm offered gold
But my feet are embedded in silver
I want to move forward
But I can't move my feet
Want to tell you what's on my mind
Can't bring myself to speech
Drowning, tethered.
Not sure how I feel about either.
Tangled up in webs
And left out to soak,
let for dead.
How do I stifle
these feelings of mine
I look in your eyes
and my conscience goes blind
How do I refrain from saying all that I want to say?
When I know how you feel
And I know how I feel
How am I supposed to turn away?