oh, you again
thought you left
something about a brick
and how you understood
it's meaning
watched you go, well more like
watched your shape get smaller as I looked over my shoulder
I get it mixed up sometimes
whoops
for a second there I thought we were friends
sort of
I think maybe I talk too much, or is it want too much....
I'll cut it back to 2 attempts - is that better?
trying to respect the line, you know, that fine line
quiet, lots and lots of quiet
no don't worry about it, i'm used to it now
actually starting to like it
gives me a lot of time to reflect and
think
think think think think think
thanks. couldn't ask for a better way to
pass the time

I should....
no, can't
       can't     can't
won't.
refuse actually. do I like hurting? is there a reason I don't just
move       on
normally when goodbye is said, twice, it means you leave
as in put one foot out into space and
pull
     down
see what happens, see what passes. well, I really wasn't ever normal
knew that from the start
but this?
I'm on an edge. this thinned pathetic rim
that looks to me a bit
u
  n
     sta b l e
clearly
                        [not clearly]
there is a problem
or something broken
I'm dealing with it, but let's be honest
sometimes it feels like I'm
meshing with it
blendingintothisbigmess
that's so hard [for me only] to separate
forgot about that- have to be more specific
[for me only] is this still more than a bad taste in my mouth
[for me only] it stripped me of common sense
[for me only] I can't sleep at night
All I want to do is
         be free
free to either walk through a day and not think your name
name   name
       name               name name
or free to fall into your arms at the end of the day
every day
whatever
I know I talk to a wall
                                      wall
and I'm here              wall           and you're there
                                       wall
                                       wall
and I swear I'm putting all I have into
[insert "letting go" here]
but instead-
trying to understand why I can't
leave you behind

No, I can't ignore this
but
it shouldn't control me

I want to memorize the way you
didn't show up

I reject the words that were like
honey on a bitter dessert
only hiding the
true taste

they are revealed
to be
silly wishes
that were whispered
in secret
and in vain
to an ear that had stopped listening
awhile ago

very well then
it seems I have been humming this
string of notes
all to myself
and they have been unbearable to endure
alone
yet I thought
I hoped
I did not just sing to an
empty room
but to the bigger picture

which would continue to become more
ornate
and continue to stun
only me

only me
ok
I'll get used to it
soon I beg
for the action of blankly watching my ceiling
every night
just won't do

I want to dream
instead

I could say I told you so
but id only be talking to myself

it's quite obvious that
this is new
stretching out my legs and
walking
              walking around without a plan
                                 without those thoughts
                                                          those ideas
                                                           ­                         that one dream.......
                                      (it was so lovely)..........
it's alright my [love] friend, to admit that you still believe that. I know you do. I know.
yes, it'll be weird
walking around              
without you

yeah, of course i'm
numb
I will be, for a long time
yet just like when
I sit cross legged
on a couch or red plastic chair
and the feeling is lost
in what becomes rubber limbs

once I begin to move
not shifting positions, not trying to stay comfortable
when I really
stand up and start
doing all that walking
                                    walking
             ­                               walking
                          ­         walking
                       walking
the feeling shoots back

at first it is so
harsh and unyielding
I think I might never move
without this fire striking me down
well frankly I don't want to
fall anymore
I just,
I just don't

                                                          ­                                      I went looking and I found you
                                                             ­                                   and it was just like it was, but it was fleeting
                                                        ­                                        you looked me in the eyes, in the eyes
                                                            ­                                    said it was wrong, this didn't change a thing
                                                           ­                                     and when you walked away (because you were able to)
                                                             ­                                   you didn't look back, not once                
                                                                ­  I clutched my heart and watched you go until I couldn't see you anymore
                                                         ­                                       that was when I too, turned the page
                                                            ­                                                              


­so.....

I tell myself to
just keep letting my shoes hit the
pavement
and soon that tingling rush of pain
will subside
and it will be ok

and it will be ok

The upward curve of your lips
Framed in a bristled haze of
Eternal stubble. Long fingered
Beautiful hands. Sure and gentle
Buttoning those stiff collared shirts
With the stripes you always wear
Except to bed. How do I say how I
Love your thick hair and your scent?
Can I express how good it feels to lay
In your arms and feel those gorgeous fingers
Splayed on my back. Or how eagerly you wake me
In the morning, when its still grey outside.
And how you make fun of me when I throw
Flat rocks. Spending all my time finding the perfect one
When you can skip any stone you pick up,
And count the skips just so you can
Say that you’ve thrown more.
Holding my hand and running through the woods
Those manhole covers
Were too heavy to take home.
And you became home. For four days.
I saw your smile
And noticed it was crooked and loved it all the more.

Does anyone know?
Can they sense the break?
The hollow-cheek’d innocence
Is a facade and a joke.
The bleak world
Which consists
Of:
Battered feet;
Bleeding from wear,
Cracked skin,
Stitched lips,
And no one could care.
This painted on smile,
and the bulge of the worms
Which writhe and feed
Inside my skull,
The shiny little lights of agony
That burn in my eyes
They burn beyond reason
and I am lost
Can they sense the break?
Does anyone know?

Inhibitor and catalyst;
A look can do either.
I always wonder what,
Goes on behind those brooding lips.
Are words locked between your teeth,
Unspoken on your tongue?
I wish I could taste and see,
And steal such words away.
But words unspoken, that greatest sin,
Rest on my tongue as well.
Oh what things, what things,
Might have been,
Between we silent obelisks.