Started so explosive,
two planets colliding.
Now just bits and fragments
that orbit each other.
Music you once sent me:
now radio silence.
Bodies once explored:
now pecks of kisses.

How many more ways
can you say you're not interested?
How many more days
until I start listening?

and not go so far away
but I know that you must go
and I know that I must stay.
The noose I threaded for myself
was never built for two
and even if you wallowed with me,
what good would that do?

I hate that we're already in
the 'remember when' phase
the 'is he just tired
or does he not want me' days
Nights when I wait
to hear your soft sleeping breath
so I can let loose the tears
hours after their threat.
'Remember when' my face
was so chafed from your beard
and those hours of kissing?
Now it's a peck on the lips
You collapse on the couch
completely zone into a screen.

You say that you're grumpy
and you don't know why
I want to suggest that
it's cause you haven't had ***
but
I'm so scared of another
loving, quiet
rejection
the unreturned touches
leave me
as unsatisfied as unfinished phrases,
unturned pages
of the book
we no longer read together.

without him i feel so lonely
but maybe that makes me
my own victim
of the patriarchy
that i can't stand
and hold my own
without a man's validation

or maybe
that's just
a symptom of
my lack of self-esteem

maybe those are results
of my own
shortcomings

My initial thought
is
'how do i get him to come save me?'
even when i know
he's the one i'm mad at

i'm not strong enough
never have been
to stand on my own
to have my own back
i always need someone else's
reassurance
and i think they always
bet on that

when do i learn
to become my own person
and stand up even when
everyone else is
laying flat?

I'm learning what
       to learn to say
I'm tripping up
       along the way
I try my best to be okay
  for you

I'm learning not to compromise
       between my wants
       and all my lies
That all those things
       that I have done
       I truly wanted to.

My stumbling steps
       seem not enough
But weary legs
       can be so rough
When lying down
       waiting to drown
       has been what got me through

But with your rough
        and strengthened hands
I'll take each step
        after I stand
Each fall is easier to land
   with you
   to come back to.

We all like to paint ourselves
       as the victim
But you had a ******* museum.
I'm not saying you didn't
       have the currency
To hang all those paintings
But you loved to live there
       and stare at them.

You never showed me all your pictures,
Never purged yourself of paint.
You said I made you happy
But clung to pigments
                       and brushstrokes
Like they were the only thing
your arms could be full of.
Your primary lover:
the sadness you painted.

Well I guess I handed you
                                              every supply
To paint your biggest piece of all.
I'm sure the placard underneath reads:
The Marriage and the Downfall.
Today you must be staring at it
Just like me.

But tomorrow
I hope
you find your way outside
and breathe
                                                 fresh air.

My heart is filled with
   black clouds
                and thunderstorms
that won't blow through.
Is it not raining
        inside of you?

Am I the only one without sun?