I stand and watch the garbage man
As he grabs them
Something catches my attention
I watch my mother throw away
The lamps my father gave her.
Black metal with glass panels
Taken out.
They move one
And I turn back inside

"I believe in family curses."
She says.
Could this be ours?
As I hold my love, I wonder
Ponder
On how similar our relationship
Is starting to look
To theirs.

"You wanted to lose something you've loved for 99% of your life."
He tells her.
Could this possibly
Be my soul desire as well?
Or am I just caught
In the energy?

"Some kids want to fix their relationship
With their 'bad' parent
That's why they look for them
As partners."
Am I stuck in this hidden mind frame?
What if I oppose it?
People like my father
Cannot be changed.
But then again
Neither can you.

"I am nothing like him."
You command me.
The anger flows out of your eyes.
I no longer tell you this
Because it makes you angry
Just like her
Hiding things from him

So I quietly hold you
And wonder
If someday I will be
Throwing out the lamps
You have given me.

Part of me yearns
So much
To be free
Is this how you feel
All the time?
Part of me wants
To be only me
Do you always
Feel this inside?
Is this what it feels like
To be your own person
To be chained to a thing
You must stay
Part of you likes the diversion
But part of you wants to just fly away
Is this what it feels like
To be independent
To have one eye blinded, the other eye see
Part of you likes to be rested
But part of you wants to be free
Love is just one more word for confusion
When I'm chained down, half-blinded, confused
But maybe this isn't so bad, love
When I'm lying, confused, under you

Something like a bad dream
Carries around on my shoulder
It is weightless
And I don't always notice its pressure
Every once and a while it whispers
IN my ear
But no one sees it
Every once and while it screams
Jumping up and down
But no one hears it.
Sometimes it will pop up in my face
And look me right in the eye
Sinking me down to its level
But mostly
I don't notice that it's there
I walk around in "reality"
Where life is happy
But with one turn of the head
It is gone.
Something like a bad dreams
Sits and waits on my shoulder
For me to turn my head
And look around
Wondering how I got here
For me to
Remember.
That it is there
It has not gone away
No matter how much I ignore it
It will never go away
Something like a bad dream
Lies in wait on my shoulder
For me to decide:
Which is truth:
The present
Or the past?

Is it supposed to feel like this?
I have no clue.
I have never been this sort of person.
You forced me to.
Do I need to control it?
Do I need to hold back?
Or is this just who I am now?
It feels hard
In an easy sort of way.
Sort of distant.
Sort of cold.
And so...
Full of pain.

I am strong
Without you.
May I be strong
With you?
Can I continue to be
The person I am
When I am alone
While I'm holding your hand?
Things change
But I refuse to change with them
Old times fade
But my life won't fade with them
My strength won't fade.
You are here
Because I allow you to be here
No more
And certainly no less
I have risen to the challenge
And the occasion
Has failed to make a fool
Out of me.
I look into your eyes
And there is no longer a mystery
I hold you in my arms
And there is no longer that feeling
That feeling I once had
Of an overwhelming love
There is only touch.
And arms.
There is only you and me
There is no longer forever.

I stand and take
Every sting
And let the poison
Ripple through me
With every harsh word
You mean
I take the poison
Very thoroughly
My heart is breaking
With each blow
My body's aching
For your love
But there is one thing
You should know
These silly blows
I'll rise above
I'll stand up tall
And take each sting
Each day they'll hurt me
Less and less
Till the poison no longer stings me
And there is no ache
In my chest

Mocking
Those little squares make
Painfully long days
Seem like seconds
That they can fit
Into such a small space
Upon the wall
That such a long day
Filled with so many torturous thoughts can fit
Into a tiny part of the world
It is horrible