at 18, reality on how hard it is to survive in this cruel world, hits me.
seeing people who work so hard everyday just to get some money for their food the next day, seeing people who still smile even after a longg day of tiring work which gives out only a small pay, can still smile and help others. the sight of all this makes me so sad and i really want to help them. they deserve more.
at 18, i know that God is close to me and He loves me.

at 18, i know now that i am born as an average person, i am not the best but i am one of the good ones. alhamdulillah (all praises be unto Allah)

at 18, every little scene that occurs to my eyes made me think deeply about it. it'll teach me a certain lesson or leave me a deep scar. i have always been reminded to stay close to the present and not drift too far back or too far ahead.

at almost-19, i saw many old couples shopping for their necessities by themselves. slowly pushing the trolley while squinting at the long piece of paper from afar. at the food court queuing for food and took the longest time to make a decision on what to eat and ends up sharing the same meal.
i am amazed how Allah blessed their age with such strong wills whilst i am struggling and complaining about the hardships i'm facing when i have not even reach 19 years of age.

at almost-19, i like to observe and think a lot, especially around kids and old people and how they do their basic things like walking, eating, holding a mug and especially how they write. i like how the elderly pays their full attention to the things they do until they become lost in the act. and i also like how little children are so clumsy and carefree. they can run around making circles and still laugh despite the dizziness they are feeling.

at almost-19, i realized how poets are sometimes liars.

at almost-19, i learnt that everyone is brought up differently and we are here to appreciate each others' differences and make a good thing out of it.

at almost-19, i feel very grateful that Allah has called me back and i wish to stay firmly on this path.

at almost-19, i realized how we plan and Allah decides. what will happen is the ones we least expect - especially life issues. those that we can only learn through experience not fables.

at almost-19, i found the calmness of life without gadgets, without social medias, etc. i understood how maturity isn't measured with age but it is with how you deal with your age.

at almost-19, i took the responsibility of being an adult in an all-girls' school. i was like their biggest sister - their mom. they depended on me a lot. they couldn't make up their own decisions just yet, they needed the assurance that they are good enough - it is okay to make mistakes (you'll learn from it, it is not  waste). they needed someone to guide them.

at almost-19, so near, i realised how we are always alone in this world. people will come into our lives, and leave. no one will stay. everyone will be chasing their own dreams and goals and you are just one little chapter in their lives. but that sad fact shouldn't make you feel down or gloomy as your presence in their life could be one golden ticket in their lives. stay strong

at almost-19, i noticed how i am a burden to most of the people i know. i get sick, i can't help people and they helped me instead. and i will never, ever have the chance to thank them as i might be too weak for that.

at 11-days-to-19, my emotions were disturbed. my feelings were strong. i feel lonely - my strongest weakness.

at 8-days-to-19, i believed in myself that i can move on and start a new book. but today, i failed. everything came back. how it started, how it reached to its peak, how your comforting words were my favorite and it was also the ones that broke me, left me hanging without a closure. the closure was got later, after a long time of thinking,i guess. it took that much time to break apart the ship we built and promised to take care and you said you stumbled upon another boat. i swear to god i cannot imagine how you were able to do such an act of selfishness and unkind. despite all of that, i still treasure our friendship. i am okay, this is just one of the days that i break.

at near-19 (less than 24 hours), i noticed how stubborn and angry i am at myself. i kept reminding myself that nothing, NOTHING, is ever okay if you are still awake after 2am. things just roll downhill from here.

at 19-years old, i am starting to appreciate every second that i spent talking to Allah - which He allows me to do so, He called me. i love the calmness i feel when i am able to pray in peace and recite the quran as if there is no one around me. i am in love with my Creator.

and I wish to meet Him very soon.

hope and expectations are the things that kills the spirit of one. be proud of the littlest progress by everyone around you.
everybody deserves to be proud of
- as they made through each day, which are sometimes bright and sometimes gloomy.
congratulate them, and pray that they'll open their eyes the next day to the shining rays of the sun with happiness and joy -

live life to the fullest according to your beliefs and principles. make them strong.

you will never lose if you work for Allah. He'll reward you, He'll take care of you. once you have Him, you need nothing else.

indeed, Allah is the All-Sufficient. alhamdulillah

putting back my pieces together. holding up and standing strong. i shouldn't be bothered anymore, i shouldn't care. i have to stop

"the sailors look at the star
- the North Pole,
to find their way back home

that is how i look at you,
i found my way back home."

a long day from a long week went by so quickly;

it was a bright night,
9th day of the month
so close to the headline
there she is, so bright like a spotlight
standing high in the limelight
the centre of every eye of those who cherish
she is pretty even with the blemish
her beauty was like no other
no one soul wanted to compete with her
knowing that they’ll lose
if they try to be on the cruise

he was amazed
he had a photoshoot with her
“she looks beautiful tonight” says his heart
she whispered to him silently
asking him to look up,
giving him the reassurance that she will always be there for him amidst the darkness that he is in.
then again,
“she is as beautiful as she is”
revealing a new side of her every single night
which is why he is always and always amazed by her being
“she is beautiful
and will always be
forever
in my heart”.

the religion I hold on to wholeheartedly is a religion of peace.
it's name itself,
Islam
means, peace.
our hellos and goodbyes
- Assalamualaikum,
are filled with peace.
we were taught to give away smiles as it is a form of charity.
we were told to love our brothers and sisters the way we love ourselves.
we were made to respect the old and love the young.
in our hearts, it is embedded,
the love for our Lord, Allah and His beloved Prophet Muhammad
- may peace be upon him.

yet people all around the world keeps on saying how this religion is
a religion of
terrorism
masochisme
radical
extremist
objectification
and oppression.

one good person symbolizes a community, yet not one bad person defines a community.

our era is filled with young, wise and mature people
18 and 19 years old thinkers
16 and 17 years old prodigies
all with different specialities and each one of them has its own jigsaw puzzle slot in this world.
use them, appreciate them, hear their voices, listen to what they are saying, look at what they are doing.

it is them who will take care of mother
earth in 10 years time,
it is them who will nurture the economy and the society,
it is them who will bring up the goodness in everyone until this world is great again.

thus, take good care of them.
love them, teach them well
don't burden their thoughts with ******* mentalities, wrong ideologies and more importantly
psychological trauma,
give them what they deserve

- more.

i've been thinking a lot
- as always..

what would happen if i don't make it till the end of the 3 years?
who would be there for me when i fall down?
who should i go to take cover from all the stress and problems i have?
what if i can't stay as long as everyone hoped i'd be?
what about the expectations people have upon me, what do i do with it?
how do i face the face expressions of those i love when i can't give them a good cgpa (again) ?

i'm tired of feeling like a disappointment.

at 5 years old, i learnt that not everyone likes me.
at 6, i knew that i am weird and no one likes me.

at 7, i found out that i am able to do something and be someone whom people respect and depend on.
at 8, i knew that i was not a bad memorizer.

at 10, i knew that people will always hate me for what i do and 10 year-old girls can also be bullies.
at 11, i knew i wasn't smart enough.
at 12, i realized that life wasn't that hard.

at 13, i learnt that there is more to life and life IS hard.
at 14, i knew that i was good enough,
at 15, i learnt that being small does not make me a weakling.

at 16, i knew that guys are scary, people leave and there is always hope in every dying soul.

at 17, i learnt to differentiate the voices of my heart and mind, life is getting harder and reality is not the way i imagined it would be.

remember when you said you took two years writing only a part of that book?
i think, that was how i felt when you told me you buried the bookmark i made for you. i don't remember why, sorry, but i remembered that you did that.
the bookmark didn't take one night to be done, it took a lot of effort and time and inner fights that i had with myself.
it hurts when someone throw away something you've spent all your heart doing it.
i hope these lessons are the ones you'll make as a building block of a stronger you.

we are all searching for something
our true self
our true friends, and many more.
we are searching our hearts out
amidst an unknown future
that we are yet to discover.
we know little about our treasure,
far ahead of us.
we also know little
about the route we are on.

is it the right one?

we might be lost along the way
but the courage and strength we have allows us to take the risk and give the future a chance, whether we are doing it alone, or together. it doesn't matter.
we are the lost stars.

like an ancient tree, cracked on the outside
but still strong in the inside
it holds on to things you least expect in an antique and dark looking creatures.
like the heart - our hearts,
it might look dark
feels heavy,
but you won't know what's inside unless
you look into it
struggle through it
wih gentle and care.
and darling,
you'll find miracles and kindness
which is the gem of one's heart.

"you are loved. please remember that when everything hurts and you want to disappear that you are beautiful. please remember that when the world is set on putting you far down into the dirt that the only gifts we were blessed with when we were born was life and air. so breathe because it isn't over yet. you are beautiful and you are loved. you deserve to be here"

i am sorry because none of the words above are mine except the title, but this passage reminded me of you.

i'm sorry,
but i do care about you.

what is it called when you have a surge of emotions coming out of you but you don’t have words at all for it?

it's another type of extreme pressure you just feel pushing your chest down until it is almost like you cannot breathe you cannot hear you cannot speak. like you're dying

can you hear it?
the cries
in between the rain,
and the anger
in between the thunder.
can you hear me?
crying my way down your doorstep
as you push me out
out of your life
- your life of anger and sadness.
i am here
for you
because i want to,
please don't push me out again

can you open new doors for me?
and close the past.
bring your darkness
and your light.
be yourself
and stay true.

it has been a long time since i've wrote anything here
so
i am very sorry that i am not worthy enough and i have nothing as valuable to be given back to you.

i have and have not been so poetic lately even though i have so many jumbled up thoughts that could be made into stories that people wouldn't understand just like how i don't understand myself so i don't know how to portray my feelings through words other than having a lame and boring result like this one (and now it feels like a blog more than a poem entry)

**sorry

i knew it was for me the moment it was up on your status.

knowing you, i'm pretty sure it means more than the literal definition of the word itself.

the moment the lyrics started flashing before my eyes, i was 100% sure that it was for me. every single word uttered by the singer was directed to me. guilt is what i am feeling but i shouldn't and i can't.

now all i feel like doing is cut myself until it heals.

and blame me for my scars, it was meant to be - hiding beneath my skin for so long, it needed to breathe. i gave what i thought it needed, but it wasn't enough. and now i am falling, why isn't it rough?

the purpose of my hideout is to live a low-key life. to live life as if i was invisible and not being known by everyone i passed by. i thought that covering up will do the job, it didn’t. i wanted to not be seen and hoping no one will notice my existence thus i can focus in my studies better. but no, apparently it is not the life i thought i would have. i might just rethink about keeping it on or just taking it off for good. God gives us reminders in so many ways and we will only be able to understand it if we open our clean hearts wide enough. repenting is the only choice i have left now. i wish to not continue this life of hiding. i’m tired of  faking behind the mask. this is totally my fault, thinking that i know better than my parents, better than Allah. all i hope right now is that He’ll forgive me for my sins, i wish to be better by trying to be more “modest” – not worse. based on my experience, i’d definitely tell people that your clothes does not really define yourself, it might help for a while but if your heart says no, it won’t. only wear it once you are ready. only put on the burden when you are 100% sure that you are strong enough to carry it around with you. the two weeks of semester break will be my two weeks of building up my walls and shields back. people will start talking, might be mocking for my dumb decisions. but i wish to focus in my studies and that is the only thing i wish to achieve right now. this semester is about to end and i wish to start a new book next semester. i hope it will not be too late by then. i hope

is that it?

if it is,
please remember:
-that i will always be here for you
-that i will always be longing for your words
-that i will always look out for you
-that i care about you
-that you are loved
-me

as small
    invisible and as
    insignificant as you feel,
please know that you are not all of that to me.
you shine bright even when you're not smiling
your presence means everything to me.

i thought i have found
a place where
i could
let myself
free.
i thought i have made
the right
choice.
i thought i have become
the person
you wanted me
to be.
i thought i have proved
my worth.

but i didn't expect it to be mere thoughts,
regrets
and dead hopes.

the blame is always for those with big hearts. those who feel more than other people. those who think too much about what is to come and what has happened. those with the disability to juggle all the burdens that they have and the responsibility to cater all other people's needs.

in this era, it is never safe for any girl to be compassion and affectionate. (putting up a border will automatically mean that the girl hates him and refuses to talk to the guys.) these words are often associated with lust and seduction, however, only those with little knowledge will stand firm on that. having extra empathy should be encouraged in this evil and full of hatred generation.

aku tak faham kenapa aku dipersalahkan 'tika aku mahu membantu mereka yang aku sangka memerlukan? kenapa sentiasa ada pihak yang akan membangkang pendapatku, mempersoalankan keputusanku?

this age of young adulthood is for us to attempt multiple trials and face a million mistakes in order to be a successful adult which will then lead a successful generation.

i really wish one day, someone will understand that i want to be able to make my own decisions, independent and successful. i want to prove to all those who underestimated me that i can take good care of myself despite the sickness i have.

my mom apologized for being sick and not able to get out of bed. and so right now, i really don't know what to feel but can i apologize for dying too early?

being the eldest daughter i am, i am afraid of the thought of losing my mom and dad due to any sort of sickness. not that i don't believe in God's wills, but i really wish they'd be there for my graduation, my marriage, my life as i grow older - if i even get there. anyhow, my younger siblings wouldn't be able to survive without my parents. both of them are sick now, for quite a not so old and still not so young age, they're already sick. being sick is is torturing for some. i can't bear seeing my parents suffer from those anymore. i'd rather contain all of their sickness and never reach 25;

what hurts the most is when somebody who meant the most to you, left you. being in the boat where both of you promised to survive the waves together, help each other to save whatever is drifting away. as you go through the hardship together, you tend to remember all the details about the other person and you’ll only realize that awesome memorisation of yours – how you actually remembered most of what had happened - once they’re gone. and sadly, i am a person of long-term memory, i can’t remember your favourite song title you told me last night, i can’t remember that beautiful phrase of yours that you spoke to me the other day, i can’t. i hate that. so what i realize is that you will never cherish what is in front of you. once you had her, you thought you had the world. you took advantage of what she has and once you’re done, once you’ve had enough, you just leave like nothing has happened – i am profoundly perplexed. i am struggling so hard to forget all the tiny pieces you left me to hold on with. i wish i had the opportunity to run from it as much as you do. i wish i can just run and leave whatever is bringing me down behind and not face it anymore and go on with life like nothing ever happened. you left me here in your past and i still cannot do anything to resolve it. it was hanging and i still couldn’t find the logic to what actually happened. i’m pretty sure you think i’m a fool for not being able to move on with whatever happened, but i can’t. you might think i’m stupid for not being able to forget, but i am trying my hardest. i don’t want to find a cure within another person, i want to find my self-worth within myself – not any other boy. i want to stop depending on boys to make me happy. i want to be happy, because i’m happy. just, leave me alone.

rollercoasters
rocky roads
bumpy rides
curvy paths
it is never easy, it will never be.

-

i've been wondering what am i actually doing here, being present, playing a role in your story of life. i've been thinking about what am i supposed to do after i've put in all the efforts i could possibly have and able to do, in order to make you feel better, to make you smile. i am out of ways but i refuse to give up. so, i'll still be here, just in case if you need a friend.

God is close to you.
closer than you can think of
He is the Almighty
and to He is where we should depend and rely on.
He will always be there for us
He will always help us during our worst
and test us during our best
as He is the All-Knowing
and He knows what you don't know.
so put your trust in Him
because He will never disappoint you.
love Him
because He has loved you since the day you were born.

you are loved.

people are born with a nature of having good perceptions towards others.

but some of us misuse the advantage and manipulate others into thinking that everyone is kind and noble.
people often seek protection from people who they think are the good ones.

we trust people too easily.

we often forget that many people, many hearts, many minds. some are only taking advantage of whatever you have.

rip to the feelings that was once present but disappeared after a wrong choice of word.
rip to the trust i had in you.
rip to the hope i held up with my weak bones.
rip to us.

may your boat and hers leads to a better path.

i haven't have the courage to finish my poems since you left me wounded

i trusted you firstly because you noticed my dark sides and appreciated it like it was a part of yours. i saw you, your dark side and accepted you despite what people say and condemn about you. people say you're weak and worthless because you get emotional and heartbroken so easily until you hurt yourself till it bleeds. i cared for you because i have once felt the same way and i couldn't bear another living soul, lives life while feeling dead. i stood up for you. i went through the thorns for you, i became your companion, i calmed you down when you were anxious. well, i thought i did. then this beautiful girl pops out of the blue, you fell for her but you didn't tell me. you just said you were hurting me, you didn't tell me why. then a massive event came into my life and you left. you took that as your golden ticket way out. you blamed me. but deep inside, your heart has changed. your feelings changed. you changed. but you were scared to tell me, coward. you were too weak to bring it up to me. but you found your strength in her. and you gracefully flew away leaving me behind with an ache i have never felt before.

chances are meant to being let go by us for those we care the most. in my past, too many mistakes have been done that became a consequence of who i am now - a mistake. i often make the wrong choices and the splurt out the most stupid words. i am like a flower in a glass jar, it wilts as days go by - even with the presence of water and sunlight. but trapping me inside it won't help me or anyone else around. and the falling petals are my chances, which falls one - by - one. i was freed once, but not anymore. i am trapped in this cage of someone else which ends up being a cage of mine. i choose to stay in here, no interaction with the outside world. now, i am too tired to fight for me

i am always not good enough.

and there is no one to be blamed except for myself. i took the wrong step and these are the consequences that i have to bear. and i have to change me, be a different me. not me. but someone else, satisfying enough for other people. i hope that'll work

the sky will always be there for you - above you, sheltering you, taking care of you no matter where you stand, it will always protect you. so don't despair as you are not alone, and if you need me, you can just call me home

a ruthless person is what you are labelling me as now. it is so unbelievable how you are able to put me in such a situation and then call me ruthless - which is nothing like me at all (if you know me well). i searched the whole internet for its definition, hoping it wasn't what i really thought it was. but all the results turned out the same - cruel, merciless. it did me no good and more tears. i am hurt

i really hope you learn something out of this mess and think before you speak. /please/

i wonder how can someone be such a disappointment and a blessing at the same time?

extremely sad is how i am.
i want to be utterly mad
and selfish
about life
and myself.