i walked right into the room where you loved me
and i forgot every cell of yours that hummed in harmony with mine
how the light pours
how it refracts
how it reflects
how it regrets
how i regret
i forgot you in the doorway

there is no proper way to tell someone they are diagnosed with five mental disorders. its not like i needed to be told, it was more of a defining, a reassurance. i always knew there was something ticking incorrectly in my head, i mean i had been living with it. but can i even call it living? if i am breathing i am living. but what if i'm not breathing, what if i'm gasping through corrupted lungs and trying to inhale through water filled nostrils as i am pushed under wave after wave, pounding down on my chest but i am not even at the beach, i carry the ocean with me. and every hurricane that touches down in my chest and rips me apart, screams i will never be loved. it is imprinted into my blood vessels that pour out week after week from civil wars with myself. there is no winning to this battle when there has to be a loser and i am fighting on both sides. there is no one who will live with a girl that can't even live with herself. there is no love for the girl who cannot love herself. there is nothing beautiful about a girl unconscious on a cold bathroom floor. flowers do not bloom out of the roots that she carved into her wrists. there is no sunrise in her eyes; that is her twisted mind deceiving you into believing that they are not the sunsets that they are, setting down right before you on the crashing waves of her irises. the crashing waves that she is drowning in, but she knows how to swim. it is herself that is pulling her down. she is the suspect and the victim; there is no devil or angel on her shoulders telling her right from wrong because they crept in her ears and made a home in her brain where they fight all hours of the night, keeping her from ever resting her eyes let alone sleeping, or dreaming of a better life. this familiar unstable environment that she can only recall as her childhood. she was built on the foundation of love yourself. please. before you love anyone else, before you spill into the corners of another being who is not ready to hold you. you want to be held, so you bruised your arms as you tried to hold yourself in the absence of anyone who could ever love you. no band aids or peroxide could heal the intangible hurt that aches all over. you have to fight to be your own medicine. when you are asked what do you love, you can easily say i love my mother, i love my father, i love my sister, i love my brother, my cat, my dog, reading, poetry.. but how long, how long does it take before you come to say: i love myself. so go and look into that mirror and say i may be sinking, but i am also the oceans that i drown in and i am ***** beautiful.

and she spoke words that would melt in your hands

i will touch every crack in the sidewalk as gently as you touched every crack in my very existence
i swear 80-proof reminded me of your lips and maybe that's why i couldn't stop kissing the bottle til it was as empty as i on tuesday nights

they are called brain waves because my thoughts are made of oceans and my mind is crashing in on itself
i'm a flower planted into the soil of a sad earth, who prays to be in the night sky but i'm rooted too deep to the ground
now i'm the moon and i'm lighting your face, as you kiss her under a tree
the leaves fall for you, a season named after the very action

now i'm presenting the carnival in my bloodstream
here are my carousels
"what are you doing?" he asks
"i am spinning until time rewinds and brings you back to me" i reply
"i am so **** dizzy i could die"
life wouldn't grace me with such a luxury
i'll keep spinning til my thoughts aren't even able to form

i am stars, you are stars, we are destined to be
it's written in the stars

but i will never form a constellation

i swear i hear him whispering against my hips when i am laying upside down and i don't know which makes me dizzier

she was made of bible verses and creationist sundays and he was a hurricane that only tore down churches

i self identify as the moon because among a million beautiful stars i am all alone and everyone says "let's look at the stars" but what about the moon
am i not as significant

now you can no longer look at the moon without hearing my name
hands toward the sky like it has something to give you

"known as the girl who looks like a sunrise"
but i'm ******* setting
and yet as it gets dark, i am also rising
me and the night sky colliding

i've lived my whole life lost when a map to everywhere i've ever wanted to go is right here on your skin

i'll melt every ******* memory like a flame to a picture we never took because you were too busy admiring my mouth over my words

i'll write your name along all the walls of rooms you stepped foot in
and burn this ******* house to the ground
let's see how warm "home" can be

i can't even drink you away
i wash away in the mouths of others
but you're the only ocean where i feel safe

i found a home in you and i'll set it on fire
i want every wall to melt
i want every bone to crack
as the house shudders underneath the flames

i'm running away from home
i don't need a sunset when i'm a sunrise
you are nothing but a shade of grey in the sky
and i'm the moon

i am beauty amongst the stars, kissing each like we're so in love there could never be another.
but there's millions and you
the sun

the sky isn't grey it's confused whether to love the sun or the moon, but jokes on you sky, they're in love with each other.
now let it rain.