Pudge

Pudge Oct 2015

I hate self-help books.

It's not just how I feel so envious and helplessly depressed to be told 'just be happy' or 'go out there and just do something other than being depressed' with heightened language and flowery figures of speech.

The fact that a stranger out there is telling you what you should feel about a personal experience. It's as if feeling sad is the worst thing that can happen to a person, how you should be blissfully ignorant of all these things around you and just focus on being happy.

I guess I'm just saying that I want to be happy for a cause, and not just be happy carelessly. I want that kind of happiness that sticks with you inevitably, not just because you're in a certain pleasant situation. I want my happiness to be part of me and not just an experience with someone or something. I want to be truly happy and not just experience happiness.

Pudge Sep 2015

With You

'cause nothing can ever make
             me feel more vulnerable
                     and yet safe,
                             than being
                                   with you.

Pudge Sep 2015

To My Kind Editor

I will love you with no regards as to who you've loved before me. No matter who has tasted your oh so precious lips before they met mine.

I will love you no matter who hates you or who loves you, or who loves hating you. I will love you no matter who you love or who you hate, or who you hate loving.

I will love you no matter what a certain group of people say about us, even if this certain group of people are your friends, my friends, or our parents.

I will love you as a novel loves being read and as the reader loves reading a certain quote that he found on the internet that convinced him to buy the novel and how that certain quote loves being revised online as to fool someone's followers on Twitter that it was his own.

I will love you no matter how many typos you have when drunk texting me, or drunk texting someone else who, I hope to God, isn't your ex.

I will love you no matter what songs you sing in the shower, no matter how wrong the lyrics are or if you're out of tune, or even if you don't take showers at all.

I will love you as a graphic artist loves drawing his favorite stroke, even if his professor says it's not the right way it should be done.

I will love you as a certain DJ loves playing his favorite remix, even if the crowd hates The 1975 remixes because they're too biased to appreciate it.

I will love you no matter what bands break up next year and no matter what bands get back together and pull out another Fall Out Boy.

I will love you even if the clowns stop laughing at their own jokes, even if the priests start questioning their own homily sermons, or even when the masses stop laughing at the priest's jokes at homily.

I will love you even if you stop correcting my works even when you grow tired of my mistakes, not only my grammatical ones but the ones I make literally.

I will love you no matter what color your hair is or if you wear contacts to sleep or not. I will love you even if you stop tracing my lips as I fall asleep beside you, even if you steal the blankets at the coldest of nights.

I will love you even if you regret meeting me and that you allowed me to woo you with my saccharine tongue.

That is how I will love you, so please just don't regret loving me.

Pudge Jul 2015

The Morning After

the memory I'm most fond of is waking up next to you after the morning after I first met you, with your leg across my waist. your body unconsciously wrapped itself around me. like it was the most natural thing in the world to do. my heart was beating fast like it was terrified and yet amazed simultaneously as I looked at you, peacefully asleep next to me. your eyes closed, your mouth open just a little bit, and your lips were ripe, like it was waiting to be kissed. then and there I realized that some things in the world, when they meet, just fit each other. no friction at all. I wouldn't call such thing as destiny or fate, what a cliché way to label something so natural. then and there I also realized that such things aren't supposed to stay together for long periods of time. the magic of the moment dies if you live in it too much, and with that thought I bit the grin that was etching itself on my mouth and with that, I stopped myself from falling for someone I knew I couldn't love.

Pudge Jul 2015

Some Days

some days the bravest thing
that you can do is breathe
there will be days
that you will not feel like yourself
there will be days
that the demons inside you will prevail

some days the bravest thing
that you can do is get out of bed,
eat something, cry your eyes out,
scream at the top of your lungs,
bleed, bleed for you are alive
and struggling to be alive

some days the bravest thing
that you can do is live

Pudge Jul 2015

Untitled

this room
this narrow dark room
altered the very course of fate of some people
here where the light can no longer reach

this would be a place
that I wish I could wipe from
my memory but it sticks there
in the back of my mind
the insatiable all-consuming darkness

the tortures that came upon me
were unspeakable
they pricked at the tenderest skin
that I had, and sawed it
back and forth
with the dullness
of a fingernail that
was bit off
clawing at my throat
day in
and day out

it bent not only my will
but my ability to conceive hope
and yet I still hung on to the
thinnest of threads;
memories
of a far away place
where everything is bathed in sunlight
where warmth is as
common as air

the light thinks it travels faster,
faster than anything
but little does it know that
it finds darkness was there
first, just waiting patiently

Pudge Jun 2015

Untitled

it's 2 am & my bed feels so hollow
i swear i could almost
hear your name echo
when i rest my head on my pillow

the way a conch echoes
the sound of the ocean
it pangs against walls
we used to call home
it now feels more
mausoleum than sanctuary

how sure i was of you
the way the shores were sure
that the waves would
come back with the tide

free fall was not a state
i thought i'd be
accustomed to