I wish it was just so easy
and I could just cling to you
keep you safe close to me
and let you hold me
with those strong tattooed arms
and years from now find
ourselves with countless stories
detailing the moments
our love could have -
but did not collapse
each of the trials we faced
strengthening our bond
so instead of faltering
our love only grew

wouldn't that be nice?
wouldn't it be so precious?
so beautiful and sweet?
to have our passionate newness
metamorphisize, and from that
lustful fires intensive flames
be forged a deep and real
yet fairytale-esque bond
every young girls daydreams
the ideal model for their
fantasy image of what
"true love"
ought to look like
the projected sense they held
after each Disney princess movie
downloaded and set up
a database of
unrealistic expectations
for their futures
those days and years
still thought of unjadedly
hopeful imaginings
filling their innocent heads

I myself have lived too long
too many years, weathered
by not so pretty truths
experienced life and
the harshness of reality
I've felt the sharp teeth
of the world
sink in and rip away
obliterate and strip away
my dreams and hopes
and more than just
a time or two
Never could I now
convince myself
of such a lovely
illusionary possibility
I know better
and I know also
the damage such a
belief in utter *******
could potentially create

but you do something
you awoke that child
naive and hopeful,
passionately alive
filled to the brim with joy
elated by existence
the girl I used to be
inside my chest
she's opened her eyes
I thought she was dead
but now I hear her
whispering and bright
so I'll ask you
the same question
she's presented to me

What does it matter
if we can't or don't
Or whatever
so what if we never succeed
we have only this moment
the one right here
the one that's right now
and there's no reason
for us to not try
to just jump in
head first, over our heels
a blind leap into
the mysterious unknown
like the Fool
intent on his journey
with nothing but his faith
that the Universe knows
the Universe will catch him
if he were to fall
why not just hold on
You and me together
and race to the deep end
and when we hit air
just savor every moment
and maybe who knows
Maybe we'll find out
perhaps we really can fly
with wings of --- and love
on our hearts song wind
What if we can?
And what if we do
After all?

My ridiculous heart leads me astray
Deep dives, again and again and again
I've found another lover with games to play
I attract sociopaths; narcissistic broken men

I'm quite aware they'll never change
I know they're not my responsibility to fix
This pattern is so ******* strange
Why do I force myself to live in conflict?

There must be something off inside me
Something in my brain must've glitched
I stay imprisoned, though I hold the keys
My reason to madness indicators, switched

I cannot heal their trauma bent hearts
I'm incapable of providing what they need
Broken darkness within isn't a form of art
Foolishness enough to make me bleed

They put on a show so presumptive to start
It's so easy to overlook the tell-tale signs
And my denial skills top the masters charts
Sanity checks out, my common sense resigns

I should know so much better by now
Maybe it's not that I don't realize or know
Perhaps it's something my mind allows
There's a part of me that thrives on ******

Whatever the truth of my why may be
I do believe it's time for this cycle to end
I'm burned out by the utter absurdity
I'm not happy and I'm done playing pretend

Loving him doesn't mean I should stay
Potential doesn't mean he'll choose to grow
Lying to myself with promises of "someday"
No. I've already spent enough years in limbo

It's time to relinquish my attempts to control
Sorrow and hurt, no matter, I need to let go
Here I'm not helping, I'm suffocating my soul
How would it feel to move into Universal flow?

Certainly there's abundant joy to be found
Power in relinquished attempts to gain power
My world doesn't have to be a battleground
I could exist as simply as a delicate wildflower

Though aware, I still have a choice to make
Knowledge and knowing alone won't save me
Not from uncertainty or potential heartbreak
I have to choose to behave, to live differently

I don't honestly know if I'll ever get there
Lacking the courage, I doubt my capabilities
Too comfortable living in my familiar warfare
Predictable chaos, I can live with hostilities

I'm not admitting defeat just yet, however
Too much of me desperately wants change
So much importance within this endeavor
Someday maybe it won't be beyond my range

I'll keep on trudging through every day
Holding on to my hope, my eyes opened wide
Perhaps a door will appear, creating a way
If I trust it to, the Universe will provide

My beautiful ******* monster
My delicate orchid of raging war
Our time has not yet
Run out, because -
Beyond right and wrong
Beyond out dated concepts of
Good and evil
I will find the space inside
Deep in the middle, and
Hidden betwixt infinite worlds
A field of wildflower rainbows
With ribbons of colors swaying
Art forms dancing
The song a peaceful wind
Come, My love! Seek me out!
We will be reunited there, after
This moment, this then and gone
Timeless blink has lifted its eyelids
Mine, yours, ours and
Everyone, just the
Energy and passion
The true  existence beneath
The love of The Universe,
Our igniting force; a lullaby
Melody so perfect, created
And our laughter following, when
We realize the truth, see
What is genuine existence;
Remember our essence, our truth
And are restored
Because we are dualistic
We have been split apart -
Temporarily severed from
Our eternal state of being
Where we burn as
Our own selves and yet
We are also each other
And when our souls collide
We will once again be made whole
In the infinite, My Love
We are in fact already
Reunited in our love there
More beautiful than before

It's been nearly seven years since we first met
Memories a jumbled blur of discontent

I've let the uglies swoop and swirl about
Preserving my calm, my silence more days than not
A toxic attempt for securing peace
With only a mere handful of drunken outbursts;
Alcohol the doorway to displeasure leaking
To melancholy creeping, precursors to the eruption of my hidden turmoils
Breaking free from their cage of suppression

Pretending not to notice as pebbles -
even boulders
Of mephitic waste began to dimple our bond
A connection already held by fragile, whispy strands
For convenience, I denied and ignored -
with such vehemence!
The growing weight of the unacknowledged stones
Unfortunate truths granted undisputed leave from my cognizance
Moments to days to this verge of seven years

This burden of ignorance has grown heavier than I can continue to bear
And fewer of the rocks can be hidden away
The truth of the sickness living amongst us;
The severity of the cancerous tumor
Spreading like wildfire,
Turning all that I am into blackened smears
of unsalvageable ash

Now after years of slowly fading away, and
Parts of who I was obliterated beyond repair
I stand in shock, and bundled in shame
Over how I've allowed you to treat me
The complete control my negligence (allowed?) You to take
And while I blame you for the bullets you used
To shoot down my self worth and vibrancy
I blame myself for the self loathing,
Already quite enough in the very beginning
To hand you every key you needed to
Unlock and dismantle me

I'm too tired to mine a shard of empathy from the darkened cave protecting my heart
And the time to repair the fractures has passed
Your words and accusations, throwing the blame on me, even as you beg me to stay
I'm sorry but this time I cannot stay
I have to salvage the remains of me before I'm entirely dust
And admit to everyone, but myself most of all,
That some things were just never meant to be saved.

**** this nonsense
I used to be
I was a human
I had feeling
Now I'm empty
Without words
My language fails me

I settled for you
And I closed up
Like a cocoon
But this butterfly is dying
I don't think
I don't
That this butterfly is going to emerge

You've pushed me so far down
I've forgotten who I am
You're murdering my soul
Shredding my essence

And I didn't notice
I just forgot
I forgot I was a living being

But now I see
And I will fight
I will brawl
Until my death
To set myself free
And be who I am

How did I forget?

pushing, pulling
stretching, contracting
so back and forth
almost as if
our relationship is
made of rubber bands

so I am trying
training myself
to be more flexible
but there's something
I can't seem to
accept; I can't
just let go and not
dwell on with
such unproductive
worry, worrying...

how long do I possess?
just how long until
this rubber band grows
brittle and snaps?
how long until
we're devoid of our
elasticity
and left with
only scrap bits
of ugly little pieces
repulsive grey shreds
scattered about randomly
- mere garbage, serving
as nothing more
than so much *******
littering our floors?

maybe I should
just ask this -
how much time
are you capable
of giving to me
without your being
within my presence
a forced effort?
and not a
personally desired
behavior of choice?

because, you see
although I will hold out
until the last
moment possible
I want to have
at the least, a
meager pathetic hint
warning me and
giving me time
to prepare
my mind and
my scar-riddled heart
for another lashing
so I won't be
entirely broken and
worthless when you
go and break it
break and shatter
chip another chunk away
from what little
I have left
that deformed glob
of an *****
pumping my blood
throughout my veins
and keeping me
a lost ******
I loathe this that
I am already
a weak, ugly
prisoner of my
own malicious
and traitorous
****** beating heart

I'm writing you a note
just because
because I'm feeling like
I have to
feeling like I'm
helpless here
and without your rough
forceful touch
I'm angry and aching
craving my bittersweet
agonies
wickedness creeping up
from the black hole
that hides behind
my human skin
please
pathetic and weak
though I likely seem
I'm willing to beg
down on my knees
grated concrete
scraping against my flesh
scratched and bloodied
and I'm pleading
make your palms, your
fingertips, piercing stings
hold me down
**** me and take any
notions of my possessing
power far away
make me see how
I'm nothing, just
worthless and infuriating
and you, so much like a god
why yes, you're the god
god of everything
so break me down
and rip me
limb from limb
and seam by seam
for I am merely a
servant girl
and you've the part
of the cruel king
come to me now
please come
come and punish me
I am nothing, lost
perplexed thoroughly
without you to bring me
to life
for I only become truly alive
in moments of raw abuse
so won't you come now
please
you strong, glorious man
and help me live awhile
inside the blood and bruises
that'll be left by
your pounding, ******
hands
you're exactly the one
I want to deliver
deserved consequences for
my countless sins
a beating into submission
my soul
for a little while, at least
alert and cleansed
pleasure me by flooding me
in an ocean of  hurt
every wave some new sort
of pain
your lessons are the single
part of my existence
I long for so desperately
most passionately crave
I'm begging, come
now please
remember me, helpless here
and share the beauty
only your own source
your inner darkness can so
easily create