and then there was nothing

    and then there was no one


    and there was you


and then there were lies

    and betrayal


    and then i saw truth


and then i found freedom

    and clarity


    and called it love


and then i fought

    and then i cried


    and then push turned into shove


and then you left

    and i was alone


    and then you moved on


and then there was nothing

    and then there was no one


    and then you were gone




6/19/09

The spark in your eyes gave you away
The first time i saw you i knew
Theres nothing more anyone can say
Nothing left, im through
Ive fallen for you

The sadness in your voice told me stories
Those of all the tears you had seen
the lines on your face showed your worries
The ones that only disappear in your dreams
Im a lost cause it seems

The passion in your being led me to believe
That anything was possible with you
The things i managed to achieve
Made us feel real and true
I love you i know i do

The honesty in your goodbye pushed me away
You said it with such conviction i faltered
Some part of me wishes you would still stay
However, not enough of my self could possibly be altered
Ive failed, i wont even bother.

and my life fell apart before my eyes
crashed and burned at my feet
the pain wore a clever disguise
and in the end i accepted defeat
hold your tongue as i escape
i run away as always
my mind prolonging my fate
as my conscience wonders down empty hallways
i accepted but did not face
this sentence that is all my own
the loneliness i will hardly embrace
as it seems this is how im condoned
so i blame you and sometimes myself
but this is so adolescent
your only human, just yourself,
and now my only depressant.

Love is that moment when chaos breaks loose
love is the rope around my neck, secured tightly by the noose
some say that all things become clearer over time
but love is the great exception that has neither reason nor rhyme
the dark of the night when you feel most without
love is that dawn that follows with little doubt
it controls you, mind, body, spirit, and soul
but in the end the price of love becomes a high toll
belief in this love that causes both pleasure and pain
keeps most hoping for the truth that lacks all disdain
love is that moment when you find that anything is probable
find yourself succumbed by loves raptures and your sure to feel unstoppable
but feelings mean nothing more than the words on this page
because even love can cause the deepest sentiments of rage
so dont get caught in your feelings and let love get the best of you
for even the deepest emotions for another dont always remain true.

I forgot to remember to forget you
and today i was left on my own
guess what my mind was first drawn to
on my face, my thoughts were shown
i wish you wereent always there
hiding in the back of my mind
i wish i didnt get that blank stare
as through my life i rewind
but life isnt a wish. its a lesson learned
perhaps you were a blessing in a way
unfortunately everone still seems so concerned
but i will manage to be left alone someday...

it may not seem likely, or be any time soon
but i will overcome, i will heal this wound.


6/1/09

Those three words are like taboo
how dare i attempt to say them to anyone but you
those three words, a curse upon my lips
how dare i improvise during your terrorizing script

i wish i could scream it out loud, to anyone
but there is not a single person who deserves it in the long run
yet, hopefully someone will come along
and then i can say it and once again be strong

i can see the day, eventually, it will come
and they will appear, the real one
and i can say those three little words now and then
for when i find that person, i will be me, once again

yes when I'm alone i do great things
i do spectacular things that no one ever sees
when i am alone i dare to dream
dream up a life that even i would believe

because i can feel the marks from your tears
i can tell you need something greater
even after all of these years
of being your own dictator

so i dream up a time
a place for you and i
where the hours dont mind
and we can be ever so shy

because i can feel your need
for something that believable
I've witnessed your eyes plead
for something this inconceivable

you want someone to digest your thoughts
and feed you sides of romance
the kind, that never rots
and happens only by chance

so i consume your phrases
and prepare a feast for you to hide
a place for all my praises
somewhere you can abide

because i can feel your pain
as i watch that grin take its place
you're holding on like drops of rain
and its written all over your face

afraid to let yourself fall
in fear that you might splatter
but then again aren't we all
for then we'll cease to matter

so i kidnap your heart
which the others think so eternal
and i watch you fall apart
into me, like your journal

your fragile little being
somehow capable of lies
no one ever seeing
the beauty in your eyes

because all of this i know
how it feels to not be real
to wear your expressions for show
and let the backseat take the wheel

but now that i can feel you
and see that you're the one
just what the hell am i supposed to do
since the battle has already been won.

I am like the moon, lonely yet complete
guiding those who have lost their way
glistening in the sweet summer heat
taking the last shift of the day

I am like the wind, constantly moving
afraid to be still or become complacent
a threat to myself but to others so soothing
perched on top of this world yet slightly adjacent

I am like the sun, there every time you need it
giving hope and expecting nothing in return
constantly rising for others benefit
emitting heat in the form of geinuine concern

I am like the stars, a small reminder you are not alone
however far we may or may not be
proving to be surrounded by others while still on our own
those who feel isolated can look to me

i am like the rain, beautifully depressing
pouring out of the clouds as though theyre my soul
with each drop another truth i am confessing
sharing my secrets without the slightest control

polluted our minds have become
ending, our lives have begun
wasted, our lives will reamin
hopeless, our minds are stained
forever, our hearts will long
theoretically, we dont belong
lifeless, people now seem to be
alone, we all live miserably
savages, now humans are known
persuading ourselves that weve grown
dark, in our shadows we live
compassion, we lost the will to give
jobs, we all have lost
prices, we are raising the costs
words, they all sound the same
hearts, no one cares to tame
trust, the city lives in doubt
love, most of us live without

There are words that i can not use
truths that i must never speak
phrases i continue to abuse
and lies that i am forced to keep

there are stories that would ease your pain
so cleverly depicted
syllables of a tyrants campaign
to conceal a life so scripted

we are the same
mind, body and soul
eager for a change
but lacking any control

we are the people, the fools
the followers of the crowd
obeying each and every rule
so oblivious, so proud

we are we, the majority
the ever necessary factor
fight  back for your authority
break free from your captor

allow yourself a voice
and break the silence
may the truth be your choice
and forever your guidance

Good enough is as good as its going to get you said to me
well *******
i refuse to settle
if that means im alone
so be it
if it means im the only one left
so be it
i will not settle
and i will not believe that happiness stops at good enough
because nothing is good enough
not until its perfect
and you may say perfection doesnt exist
but thats because you give up at good enough
and you dont know where to look for perfection
ive seen perfection in the eyes of the broken hearted
perfectly miserable
ive seen perfection in the arms of someone else
perfectly invisible
ive seen perfection in words
perfect explanantion
and ive seen perfect in myself
perfectly hopeless
so dont tell me that good enough is as good as its going to get
because i know perfect exists
ive seen it
and i know my perfect is out there
and ill be here waiting
and you, you can just settle
because thats good enough for you
and thats as good as you will ever get

forgetting, i hear will solve anything
but how much does one wish to forget
all of the issues at hand, or just the ones with meaning
and does one get a clean slate, or is there a sort of debt

if one was to truly forget, the pain and heartache
would it make any of it worth it?
does the pleasure in fact justify the heartbreak
or is it the heartbreak that justifies a romantic

if one chose to forget and then didn't know how to love
didn't know how to feel
didn't know how to hurt
then would any of it be real
would any of it be worth anything of the sort

because heartache may be rough
and the pain unbearable
but isn't love just as tough
and even more, incomparable

i can not say, for i choose not to forget
i would much rather remember however hurtful it may be
because love may be unrequited
but i would much rather hurt than not know what causes this misery


perhaps in the end, loosing feeling is the debt
and all thats really left is in fact regret.

I believe in romance, in fairy tales coming true, I believe in people like you
I believe in love at first sight, and the perfect kiss, I believe that it doesn’t hurt to wish
But maybe things don’t always happen the way you want or need
Maybe things just are because that’s the way they have to be
Maybe everything really is for a reason, and what I did wasn’t in vain
And maybe there’s a reason that these feelings remain
There’s things I can’t tell you but how I wish I could
Things I cant articulate but I know I probably should
There’s these words, that no longer lack meaning
And this heart that has once again started beating
There are these signs that I should really read
Signs of hope and faith and love that I should heed
But then there’s my mind telling me to run away
Telling me to save myself before I get broken, or thrown away
And then of course there is you, and I’m lost
Because I don’t know what to do, and your heart is paying the cost
Im afraid of loosing you, but im afraid to be with you
Im afraid your words were just that and untrue
I believe in romance, and fairy tales, but I live my life in fear
I believe in love at first sight, and the perfect kiss, but all ive ever known are tears
I believe in you, and you believe in me, but im afraid of being happy
I believe in taking risks, and letting my heart go, but right now I just don’t know
I believe in running away, I always have, but you, you make me want to stay.
So I don’t know what to do, but my mind, its just keeps returning to you.
11/27/09

Tell it how you used to believe it,
with real conviction in your eyes.
Tell me the story of how we first met,
before all of the bickering and the lies.

Tell it how you used to mean it,
when "i love you" was more than words.
Tell me the times before you learned regret,
before the idea of love wasn't so absurd.

Tell it how you used to feel it,
the story of a romance so real.
Tell me how in your hand, mine used to fit,
before our relationship became some sort of ordeal.

And then tell it how it really is,
these two different people we have become.
And ill remind you of what "IT" really is,
the story of how two people become one.

I'm trapped
In a love that is so wonderful and perfect
its not real nor does it exist.
i'm trapped inside my mind and heart and soul
for they hold the Beatles and all of my favorite songs.
I'm trapped
inside on a rainy day
because you know the sound of the water hitting the ground
is one of the most beautiful melodies to my ears, its true.
i'm trapped because i want to be
because the moaning coming from your room tells me to be, i think.
i think, therefor i am, therefore i feel, therefor i writhe in pain,
like the little girl saying Daddy please don't go, don't leave me, please no.
I'm trapped because i think if i stay the exact same you'll wake up and realize that you want me,
the way i was back when you needed me,
back when you loved me,
back before she was around.
like i said, i'm trapped
trapped inside this mind that only deals in make believe and fantasies,
Cinderella stories and snow white because you know they all got their prince.
trapped inside my carriage on the way to the ball because my fairy god mother forgot to give me a handle, on life.
an escape route, a way out, a pause button,
so that when life just gets too hard to handle, i can breathe.
theres a sign on my wall that says one way, one way in, one way out
one way to misery and boy do i know that path like the back of my hand
it leads straight to your front door,
which consequently happens to be home.
i'm trapped inside my room thats right next to yours for we share
a hallway and a bathroom, and a kitchen and a living room,
physically, of course not emotionally.
trapped inside a relationship but i cant tell him the truth
for that would compromise my ability to be honest
and full disclosure is a must.
trapped inside my imagination that plays movies in my head
like all the remakes of Shakespeare's greatest,
only you **** me in the end.
trapped inside this body that is nothing more than a product of my feelings,
i used to be thin, i swear.
trapped at the bottom of this bottle for that is what i turn to every weekend
when you sneak off with her.
i'm trapped in a corner with my head between my knees
thinking, what else could i possibly do.
i'm trapped inside this hospital, the doctor diagnosed me with an incurable disease,
they call it love.
trapped inside these restraints, my hands and feet, and tongue, for i cannot tell you the truth.
now you're trapped inside the waiting room
with mourning loved ones and horrible coffee
awaiting the fate of a truly terrible friend.
i'm trapped inside the thought that you think i was only there because i was in love with you,
well....
its not true, you were my best friend and i was yours and ****** we were good together.
i'm trapped because i know i will never survive
but you, you were always so much stronger than me
i know you'll be fine,
so you can call it, time of death: 1:29.