I liked the way,
I watched your
chaos
from the sidelines,
but you outstretched your hand,
like you would ask for a dance,
and you pulled me into
your wonderland vortex
*I have never been the same

I felt your warmth leave in the setting sun,
and your eyes glow in the darkness.
I watch your shadow walk away,
so heavy,
an anchor in shallow water,
you will not drown yet.

I have felt your finger stroking my cheek,
heard your breath as you hide your face into my shoulder,
I wanted to protect you,
I tried to stand in front you with a sword flaming with good intentions
striking every bad thought and insecurity,
that came bounding at you
but I've always had bad aim.

I tried to keep you from shaking,
but you shook anyways
I tried to keep your from crying
but the tears still came,
I tried to keep you happy
but I myself am weak
and the monster of depression
has left us both crippled in it's cataclysmic wake.

I washed my hands,
and kissed your forehead
and left without a goodbye,
because I wanted more than anything to help you feel better,
but all I do is remind you,
that you are alone
even when I'm right next to you.
I wish this wasn't so

*I will always love you

To the boys who never loved me,
but pretended they did,
if only for a night.
To the boys who never loved me,
and used my body as a surrogate for the voids in their heart
left by others
or by themselves,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but our nights of passion left memories so sweet,
not in your heart or in the palm of your hand
but right on the tip of your ****
where you remember the way it felt
with your fingers in my hair
and my breath on your thigh.
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
but claimed they did
or told me lies
to get beneath my fabric,
where disappointed they found,
that I was not the long term answer to their insecurities,
only a nighttime siren,
plagued with sadness
that made you slowly back away
when you got deeper than skin,
I am sorry.

To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I could not be her,
the one you thought you had forgotten,
I am sorry that I could not fix you,
and I'm sorry that you could not fix me.
I am sorry for the nights of *******
where we tried so hard to make love,
and instead we drowned in our own self pity,
and made resentment instead,
I am sorry.

I am sorry for the promises I broke to you,
and the promises you broke to me
all stemming from the fact that too often
we think intimacy will bring us together
when it has only ripped us apart,
I am sorry.
I am sorry you could not find yourself in me,
or that you found too much of yourself in me,
I am sorry that I was not enough,
I'm sorry for the things I have done to you,
and the things you have done to me.


To the boys who never loved me,
I am sorry.

When I fell for you,
I didn't know
about the scars
that you are bound to get
from being dropped
from such great heights,
and the blood has dried,
and the bruises that were once
beautiful shades
of lavender
have now yellowed
and faded,
but those ******* scars
you've left all over my body
and heart,
they are there
for the long run.

I wrote your name in the sand
knowing how the tide works
and knowing how temporary it would stay there,
and yet somehow
I was still crushed
under the waves,
that pulled you away from me.

Today is your 53rd birthday
and the 6th year
that I haven't been around for it
because you chose the handle of Kessler whiskey
over your own ******* daughter.
So drink up,
Daddy.