I have not been pure
since freshman year
when I had awkward *** with my boyfriend
which ended in tears
and both of us feeling weird.
One Sunday in November
I gave head to a boy who said he liked me,
but he just used me, and told everyone about it,
And thats when they first started calling me '****'
They burned that name into my head
until I didn't believe I was anything else
so then it began,
Different boys different nights,
sometimes different boys, same night
only 15 years old.
****,
they yelled out of their cars when I walked home from school,
****,
they whispered while I was still in ear shot
****,
I told myself when I looked in the mirror
Daddy problems,
I want to be loved.
My purity never meant anything to me,
My reputation was shot before I could say anything
And don't get me wrong,
I'm not blaming anyone but myself.
I learned to stop expecting anything from the boy I'd fallen asleep with in the morning
I learned that I was a tool to be used and thrown away when it was over
I learned that the likely hood of someone liking me for more than whats under my clothes were slim.
I learned that I will never be girlfriend material
I learned that my worth is determined by the boys I sleep with
I learned that I am a ****,
and that is all I will ever be

I saw your truck today,
in the Safeway parking lot
where I was dropping off another boy
with hair like yours
who reminds me a lot of you.
I wished I was coming home to you,
I wanted to feel your arms around me
your lips to comfort mine.
I wish I hadn't hurt you,
I wish you hadn't hurt me,
I went to our creek today,
and sat in the same spot that we had
and smoked a cigarette there,
with a boy with hair like yours
who reminds me a lot of you.
And I couldn't shake the feeling
of longing for your touch.
I would be more than happy,
to wake to your face again
each and every morning
like I did
for two years
but I've really ****** things up this time
haven't I?

I liked the way your hands felt on my waist,
and your fingers felt in my hair
and your lips felt on my cheek,
and your breath felt on my neck
and the ***** felt in my stomach
and the smoke felt on my lips
and I liked the way I got to forget about him for a night
if only for just one night.

Red dirt has a stain,
that goes deeper,
than cotton.
Cactus needles,
have pricked
more than just
my skin.
Dry, Hot air,
has warmed me
in places,
not touched by the sun.
I feel so at home
in the desert

My heart rose and fell with the tide of your shadow,
I tied a noose around my memories,
wrung every bit of emotion out of their delicate pages,
trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Empty drawers and broken promises,
I ache for a warm body beside me at night

I feel broken and bruised and used and abused
and I still don't know where I am.
I used to look for you for direction but now we are separated by much more than distance.
Everything seems strange and unfamiliar,
and I am so alone