You're in every single cigarette I smoke.
I inhale you into my lungs and I ash you out of every one of my friends cars.
But I don't exhale you out

September 30th 2015 5 am

Unwind, unwind, unwind, unwind unwind, rewind, look at your hands. Do you even recognize your own fingerprints; you never did.
But you recognize theirs, every uneven swirl and pattern.
Now burn them off.
Can you recognize their fingerprints on the body that was found dead behind a 7-Eleven dumpster?
Can you even recognize that the body is yours?
This is what you asked for. This is what you asked for. This is what you asked for.
Hands, fingers, hands, fingers, nails, knives.
You made this mistake.
They found your fingerprints on the shovel that dug the grave just for you.
Your mistake, don't give second chances.
Your mistake, no fingerprint will ever the same.

September 27th 4:56 am

Sunday school never sang me the song of the night terrors. Never taught me how to wake up from disaster to calm. My heart races as I  continue to pray.
The bible a book in which neither fact nor fiction but figurative scenarios that were made to be the peace for those who know there's nothing that can save us. We just wanted a salvation for mistakes.  a home in which our wrongs were forgiven. And each story has my eyes rolling in circles and my  faults screaming for release. The author was my entire life in a bucket hanging on a tight rope, step by step i prayed to fall. Father, I didn't mean it. I was bent on a bargain between heaven and hell before I could even say I'm sorry.
Penance could never cleanse me. My mind is so filthy I could be 6 feet deep in a shower and still be dirtied.
Amen amen amen I want another chance but when your skin is all dried up, purgatory is where you rest.

my friends don't wear smiles on their sleeves anymore it's been months and the drugs stopped helping all of us.
my friends don't smile in their sleep anymore. My own personal nightmares are taking place behind their eyes.
My friends don't choke on their own teeth anymore they learned frequent tastes of your own medicine can get poisonous real quick
my friends don't exist anymore,
their mistakes looked like demolition  
they fall one by one and they do not get up  
And I'd gouge out my own eyes just to see myself crashing my car over and over and over and over...

I fell in love with an angel who kept the devil underneath their tongue.
Who would preach about how love is sacred but would lie to their mother.
And I'm on my knees but the pads of these shaky fingers that once got the privilege to grace your sinful flesh will never dare to pray again.
No one will listen for me to confess
about my deal with the devil who used my heart as collateral but never once gave it back.
Exercise me, my skin is burning
I beg and plead for the voices to stop
Bless me father, for I haven't stopped drinking.
Satan was an angel once and he couldn't be saved so why did I think you were different?

You joined a gym to carry the weight of your heavy heart but you quit a week later because you've never been able to stick to anything.
Except for him.

2. People aren't baskets. Their handle might look as strong as steel but they will never be stable enough to support you. One day you will be dropped. You will shatter and you will believe you'll never be fixed again.

3. You can click your heels together, there's no place like him but he was the house that fell on you.

4. When they say stop romanticizing depression as if we all never done it. Don't get angry. Their minds haven't felt the love you were given and got taken away.

5. We're all looking for that one person who understands the knives removing our intestines but will sterilize the wound.
Who knows what it feels like to drown when you're miles from the ocean as well as helping you swim.
But people weren't meant to be ladders. You aren't going to fall off the roof so stop shaking.

6. The only person that can fix you is standing in the mirror with tear stained cheeks.

7. Remember there's always sun after any natural disaster that felt like home.

TAURUS: Overall you were rigid. You wore a fake smile and hid behind brown eyes that glistened when they stared at the face of trouble.
But only if it wore a dress.
Told yourself what you were doing wasn't wrong, that you couldn't be wrong if you weren't happy.
Slept peacefully at night in those freezing silk sheets your mother gave you on Christmas morning and maybe that's apart of the reason you are the way you are.
Like a glacier.
And I am the titanic.
When we collided with stuttered breaths and clenched fists it was a massacre to everything I've ever known.
You were the artist.
But the masterpiece was quite different than what I had asked.
Paint me like someone you actually loved.
But you couldn't.
You were stubborn.
A puppet master at best you were always in control.
Pulled the strings of your lovers to the tunes of the songs in which you ironically named after them all.
Including myself.
I adored you.
You are the color red which grew to be my favorite until it faded to the pink that shaded the bags underneath my eyes.  
And the color of the handprints along my once porcelain skin to state your authority.  
Lies were your stability along with alcohol and under a drunken haze was the only time I was enough.
But I took what I could get.
Made me question love like a game show host and you made the bet.
Undressed me like curtain number 3 just to find trouble once again.
But this is all in your nature so are you really to blame?
Be careful with your tongue for it might be cut off by the tears of the wrong person because you said the wrong name.