do you know the feeling when
you wake up early
at the time when the rest
of the house is sleeping
and you don't have the energy
to do anything else but
stare blankly at a wall?
that's what it feels like.
numb.
silent.
tired.
you just want to sleep again
but the stars behind your eyelids
are so beautiful
that you fear when you shut them
you'll never wake up
again.

darkness is spreading like a virus
and you're telling me that my mind's diseased
but you won't give me a cure
or a torch
and you're forcing me to feel my way out
completely alone
and cold
and blind
when you promised
that you were here to hold my hand.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you fade.
I'm waiting until you become dust
all for a more prominent ribcage
and to be able to cut diamonds
with your collarbones.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you cry
in front of your reflection.
your pain is never beautiful
but your soul always will be.
you always were.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you die.
you were always so fragile,
so delicate. I fear you might snap
when I try to hug you close,
with your bones digging into my arms.

it's the hardest thing in the world,
watching you fight.
although, it's not so much of a fight
when you're too tired to
and the winner is guaranteed
and you never wanted to win anyway.

you asked me what love is today, little one.
I smiled and said,
love is your mummy and daddy smiling.
love is how we care for you.
love is the way we kiss.

I wish I could say that love
is always made up of comfort
and warmth
and a cherished feeling
spreading through your veins.
but it's not.
love is the tears stained into your cheeks.
love is the constant feeling of jealousy
because you can't bear anyone taking away
the only person who makes you happy.
love is sadness
love is broken
love is a knife
that twists in your stomach
every time he doesn't reply.

I wish I could say love was easy, little one.
It's not.
But it sure as hell is beautiful.

I was at a party last night
tipping poison down my already-burnt throat
because I thought it could help me to forget you.
however, I forgot my own name
and left yours stuck on my tongue.

they asked me for drugs last night
but they laughed at me
when I told them about your smile.
everything about you is addictive
to the point of me craving you every second.

when everyone had gone last night
and I was left alone to pick up
the shattered pieces of themselves
that they left on the floor,
I wished you were there.

in a way, you were with me last night.
forcing me to empty the bottle of *****;
whispering with your lips touching my ear;
occupying every single thought I had.
I thought I didn't miss you anymore.


I was wrong.
you were never the one that was missing.
you took me with you.

look at the stars.
look how they shine for you.
look at how they match the freckles on your cheeks.
look at how the clouds are as grey as your eyes.
look at the black velvet sky.
look at the forests that are as old as time.

just stop.
the world won't stop for you.

wait a moment.

look.

sent: 11:11pm

I wished for you tonight. Please come back.

sent: 9:04am

I haven't been to school since you left. I'm failing everything, but I don't care.

sent: 1:47am

I haven't slept. I can't eat anymore. I miss you.

sent: 2:21am

Please.

sent: 3:07am

Maybe I'll join you.

sent: 4:52am

I'll see you soon. This hurts.