i see the sun coming through my window but only feel the winter air
i say, you are dear to me, you are so dear to me, you are so, so,
as i watch you dance in the golden light outside, out of reach and seemingly unaware
and you are basking in all that is not me, all that you can hold within your hands, feel the weight on your palms, close fist on and restrict
and i've been there, yet i still wish to be
the soft and pliable thing in your grip, struggling to breathe
beaming lover, blinding me
and i thought i was over it, i thought i wasn't gonna grieve this time,
cos you're not gone, but it feels like you're gone with this wall between us,
these panes of glass and you on the outside, but not bothering to look in to see this boy you left behind
this stupid boy, dying to be your winter coat, your autumn leaves, your summer sun to dance in
to be outside and to be in your grasp
oxygen or lack thereof

oh god let this fix us
i can already feel the adrenaline racing
getting close to you is a near-death experience and i'm living for the rush
like this will be the shock that sends us back to life
it's been years since i've heard your voice in person
and i think i might overdose on 4 days after 4 years
i think i might be a little too high
i think this will probably go wrong and tear me down
prove me wrong prove me wrong prove me wrong
oh god please let this fix us
1 2 clear and we have a pulse again
you can do anything anything anything just don't hurt me
don't hurt me

how do i cool a burning love
not to say, fall out, but temper,
step back
you know i throw myself in every time
and i'm always so surprised when i hit the bottom
what goes up must come down and i'm higher than hell on you right now
and i've been here before, and it came down crashing
and the ceiling fell on my already broken body
but here we are and i've jumped once more into you
free falling, hoping you'll catch me

i swore to myself
id never be like my father
wouldnt follow my brother
grow into soiled shoes
but promises aside, i still find myself
laying in bed on a friday night
wishing i had fewer emotions
less expected of me
and more
***

i'm like a dog running in circles round your feet
like you've come home again every time we speak
and i've been tailed tucked, waiting at the window
didn't even realize i was waiting til you came
and i'm running round in circles, jumping up again
making myself dizzy, giddy

a part of me will always be attached to you
and coming back to you will always be like coming home
i think these are facts
and i'm not sure how to feel about that

the course of my river runs your direction
i am always changing state with your temperature
i freeze when your go cold, and i am ice, and i am heavy
and when we heat up, i feel like floating
we are always fighting floods and heavy downpours
when i can't do it, when you can't stop it
when we run circles around each other's feelings,
my exhaustion, your ever-changing
our little personal storm
sometimes you stay cold for so long and i am so tired of being frozen
waiting for your spring, waiting for your summer
god, right now, i am frigid
and i know i can't speed this up, i can't thaw this out,
some things must die to make room for more life,
but i am so tired
of being so cold

Press against your stomach until you feel nauseous
As if you could cave in
You want to cave in
Crash down around yourself
Melt away
Leave only the frame
So you barely cast a shadow

I'm so tired
I don't have pretty words for this
No poetic way to say
I wish you'd tell me to *******
If that's what you're feeling
Tell me if you don't care
If I am a pest to you
Because I can't stand not understanding
But I will continue to give my whole heart to you
Until you refuse it
I don't know how to love you any other way

y'know i really do try my best
and the crashes are a shock to my system
suddenly we're back here again, try to fight the wires in my skin, try to feel alive and real and human
i need you to be with me though this
please
when i am with you through everything
can't you stand by me this once

Garden gate yawning open, you step out into a world that hasn't quite awoken
The sleepy light of dawn to warm you, the morning dew cool on bare feet
I dream of walking in the Earth's gentle arms
Before she stretches off her sleep
In this quiet sort of patience, the world seems so at peace

i fold my troubles into little envelopes
like fifth grade notes, like childhood secrets
i slip them safe into my back pocket

I wish I could build myself perfect for you
I'd have the prettiest eyes you could get lost in
I'd make myself strong enough to protect you
I'd make myself everything you need
But here I am
Underwhelming
And my eyes are black
And I am soft to touch

I feel like I've failed some sort of test
Like I've already lost
Allowing myself to need
Is just waiting for the other foot to drop
I am here to serve
Seen, used, and not heard unless spoken to
And that has nothing to do with you
But it is my reality
The moment I am human is the moment I am no longer amusing
The moment I am left behind
I need you I need you I need you to allow me to need you I need to be allowed to bend I often break and that is so often the breaking point but I don't ever want to lose this i don't ever want to lose you but this feels like losing, trying to cry silently because I'm so scared of disappointing you, of disappointing you by panicking about disappointing you, disappointing you by-

The gravel stirs under my feet,
The wind caresses my skin.
As I walk along this path, a sense of peace and unity sets in.
I am a part of nature.
The young rabbits that scurry to hide in the brush fear me the way I feared thunder as a child.
I am a force of nature.
There is something lifting about remembering that I am just a part of everything that surrounds me,
And that everything else is simply another piece.
Nature is made up of an incomprehensible number of little pieces simply trying to find a balance.
I breathe in the summer air and my breath becomes part of the breeze.
We are, for now, at peace.

i look at you and you are everything
and i wish i were more, more, better
i wish i were some beautiful boy you'd pull into bed
and one you'd stay cuddled up to until morning
i wish i were everything
everything you could ever want or need
i wish this were a love story
i wish i were even lovable
i look at you and you are everything
and i cannot contain the flood of emotion
you fill me with joy and regret and pain all at once
i close the car door and hope you don't notice my crying as i head home
because my love, you are everything
and i'm a spec of dust

Catastrophism
It's the little things you say, not to to me but to the wind
It's the way you don't say much to me at all
I am a screaming alarm
Flashing lights and frightening myself
If my voice sounds mechanical enough when it says i am cursed, unlovable, easily abandoned
I will forget it's my own and I will listen to it
I will take the words to heart and the voice will begin to sound like yours
I will fill in the silence
I will search for something, anything to prove the voice wrong
"I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know what I did"
"I should have held you closer but I'm afraid of my own strength and now it's too late"
I don't have the words to say what I need to say so in the end I say
"Hey, are we like, okay?"

I wish reality was physical so I could hit it back,
Sucker punch it in the mouth,
Scream in its face.
How dare it take my time away?
How dare it dangle my passions in front of me,
Separate them into paths,
Then say I can only walk one way?
My soul burns too bright for my body.
I have to take out some of the tinder,
But I kinda wish, kinda want to
Just burn up.
It'd be easier than playing duck-duck-goose with my passions
Chasing one around and around when I might not even catch it
And passing the others up completely.
I want to do everything.
I want to inhale theatre and exhale animation.
I want to rise with writing and sleep with song.
I am struggling, I don't know if it's possible
To just choose one.

How do I turn it off? How much of me is fake?
How do I know when the light is artificial,
When the energy I exude is the last?
I am always going until I stop full-force.
I am a chaotic ambivert.
I need you and need you and need you and need space,
I need time, I need room to breathe,
But smother me.
I need to be out, I need to be living, I need to experience,
But please don't get angry when I shut up in my room.
I will certainly be silent for some time.
It's all apart of my confused cycle.
I want to be here for you, I want to be with you, I want to talk to you all the time, but please, let me be alone for a while.
I need to be surrounded, I need to isolate, I need you to sit quietly next to me.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know which part of me is the front.
I don't know how much of me is a defense mechanism.
Every time I think I'm past these walls, I run into another.
I want to love you with all my honest being, but I don't really know who I am.
It's hard to strip down to your bare skin when you've spent your whole life in costume.
Is this me or the mask I wear?
Is any of me real?

stop take a moment and think
take two steps back
step out of your head for once if you will
do you think, are you arrogant enough to think
this is written for you
into your skin
for your side of the distance?
step back out of your head
selfish, self absorbed
playing games
look at yourself
do you really think you're worth the time?
do you really think you're worth the thought?

On the days that I don't have to wake up at 3:30
I can be found cross-legged in the low light
I do not want the extra sleep
I do not want to waste another second with my eyes closed
I am not so secretly afraid of wasting my life
I can't stand to work this job I hate,
Throwing away 8 hours every day
To survive is not living
And I want to be alive, not just breathing
I want to stop drowning, start swimming
I want to live my life with my eyes open
If I spent the time that I spend at work with my family maybe they wouldn't feel like strangers
I am so disconnected from the world that my loved ones are foreign to me
It's hard to say hello with the exhaustion crushing me, I can't open my mouth to speak, it takes too much energy
But the days I do have free I hold close to me
And the times when I do see my friends I hold close those memories
Tonight I will feel every unstrained breath that passes through my body
Tonight will trickle effortlessly into tomorrow and I will hold its hand as we cross
Awake to see what the sun will bring

Stop talking for two seconds and maybe you could hear the cicadas outside
But probably not, given the screaming in your mind
Things are never quite quiet, it's no wonder you keep rambling
Too many thoughts passing through and not enough room to think to have a filter
You know you twist things, twist words and people
It doesn't really matter if it's unintentional
Take your medicine to clear the static cloud
Take your medicine to bring the noise down
You keep making noise like it's all you know how to do
It's mostly nonsense at this point, you don't think anything through
Take your medicine, shut it down, shut UP
Take a step back, sit down, shut up

you don't regret the violence
until the throbbing sets in in your wrists

My skin has yellow undertones
Your eyes have golden flecks
We were a recipe for disaster from the moment that we met
You encased yourself in ice and steel
You broke my stained glass windows
I built myself a million walls to hide millions of secrets you clawed at the bricks to know
We share a pair of butterfly's wings
We each stole each other's half
You look away when you see me in passing
I feel shattered when I hear you laugh
My skin has yellow undertones
Your eyes have golden flecks
We were a recipe for disaster from the moment that we met