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Jesse Osborne Dec 2015
Born Again in the bathroom of a ***** hookah bar*

This morning I stood in the shower
with the taste of last night in the back of my throat
when I did blow off a bathroom sink
in a West Harlem hookah bar
with a girl I used to think I was in love with
who split lines with a razor she carried in her purse.
She giggled as she nicked her finger
and drew a cross on my forehead,
though neither of us were religious.
I thought that I would've offered her my body as a canvas
and let her baptize me with only humming fluorescent lights
to bear witness.

We did lines with an old walgreens receipt
because we didn't have a dollar.
We liked the sound our bones made when
we crushed our bodies against the grimy tiled walls.
We chewed each other's lips to a pulp
and mistook them for cherries in late August.
We clawed our skins raw
and sang of Eve, or Adam's Rib Cage.

That night I drove home with open windows
as the warm December mist settled on my face.
I said 10 Hail Mary's
and picked my nail beds until they bled.
Jesse Osborne Dec 2015
French language has no direct translation for "I miss you." Instead, it is "tu me manques" which literally means "you are missing from me."

Missing,
as in Removed,
as in Absent.
As in ribcage
with one bar gone.
As in bathtub for one.
As is poetic justice,
or returning home
to a broken toaster
and a goldfish with its belly to the sun.

As in waking up in Brooklyn
to find you already in Manhattan.

Each night
I drop my bed a little lower on its frame.
The mattress a little closer to the floor.

Makes mourning
feel less like falling.
And falling,
more like reassembling.
Jesse Osborne Nov 2015
Dear Ian
The First always tastes like honeyed-sunlight on cheek and windowpane:
first kiss, first cigarette, first rooftop.
I never wanted to come down.

Dear Greyson
Beautiful and empty.
Our hands didn't fit right.

Dear Anton
Thank you for kissing prayers into the crosses on my forearms.
It wasn't enough.
I'm sorry I kept you on your knees.

Dear Eli
*******.

Dear Wyatt
We were high and you were there.
Your mouth tasted like sour milk
and I was lonely in the morning.

Dear Ian
Snorting coke off my naked body was all you needed.
I think I caught you too late.

Dear Cody
Thanks for the ****.
I'm sorry I made you leave--
I couldn't stop looking at the orchid petals falling on my windowsill.

Dear Howard
I never realized my power
until the day I let you finger me in the seasonal section of a CVS.

Dear Sky
Loving you was like loving river currents.
I lost myself in the way you looked at me like
you were looking past me.
I'm still learning how to let go of dead things.

Dear Jessica
I was high on painkillers for the 6 months you tried
to bring me back down.
But if you had a condo on a cloud
I'd have stayed at your place.

Dear Robert
I just needed a prom date.
Don't read into it.

Dear Sarah
You and spring rains are synonymous.

Dear Vanessa
Venus.
Someday I'll come back.
We'll paint piazzas into dusk.

Dear Maya
Your lips were swollen honeysuckle and I was all hummingbird.
I wish you could've held me after.

Dear Alyson
We never met in person,
but the way you glittered behind my phone screen
fogged up the glass with light-hot possibility.
Our timing wasn't right.

Dear Amélie
"On n'aime que ce qu'on ne possède pas tout entier."

Dear Izzy
I would've sewn stars down your backbone.
That night at the End of the World, we held eternity in our fingertips.
or maybe it was just the *****.

Dear Brendan
Drunken lapse in judgement.
I'm not "experimenting", I'm actually gay.

Dear Sara
I wish I was looking for something casual.
The Washington Sq. Park fountain will always be holy.
Bless my forehead whenever.

----

Dear Jesse*
It's time to fall in love with your palms.
They fit together perfectly.
Plant chrysanthemums in your abdomen
and let yourself bloom again.
Like it's the first time.
Like you owe it to yourself.
Jesse Osborne Nov 2015
We walked along the left bank of the holiest river in the world
as the sun kissed the hazy emerald sky into morning,
and I watched as an old man padded barefoot to the water's edge,
dawn in his collarbone,
bending with brittle bones to say prayers for the new day.

At first glance,
the river is thick and murky,
garbage entwined in its current like rings on crooked fingers
and I listened to the winces of the rest of my group members--
no Americans with Western Sensibilities would find divinity
in its sewage runoff and fish corpses.

But Holy is subjective.
Found not only in church pews and rosaries.

Hindu religion is composed of 3 cycles representing the stages of life:
Brahma is the creator,
Vishnu the protect,
and Shiva the destroyer,
without one stage there cannot be another
with creation comes the inevitability of destruction
and we walked through that early morning mist
past the cremation fires kept lit for centuries
because to have your body turned to dust on these banks
is to achieve eternal salvation,
to die and then be reborn into light
with the presence of death comes the beginnings of life
don't tell me there isn't divinity in this.

As the sun grew bigger, I waltzed.

Past the women doing washing in the river
saris glimmering on the surface of the water
like schools of colorful fish and
Indian children doing cannonballs into the embrace of the current,
grinning because they knew something we didn't,
but still, I waltzed.
Past the gossiping birds
and the giggling vendors
and the fishing boats and river men
and the homeless woman shouting at the top of her lungs
Namaste to the world!
And the countless believers greeting each other like
Namaste, my brother.
Hello.
I love you.
The Light in Me honors the Light in You.


People make pilgrimages to this sacred place from hundreds of miles away,
buckets strapped to their shoulders just to bring back a bit of this holy water to bless their homes,
barefoot
and dancing the whole way.

As the Indian sun rose midday into the sky,
and it was time for us to leave,
I watched as children and men and women and families
lit tiny candles balanced on flower petals
and sent them down the river as offerings of light
to Vishnu, the protector, preserver of life.
We know it as the Ganges River,
but its people affectionately call it the Ganga
and I didn't know Hindu
but I could've sworn Ganga meant Home.
Meant life.
Meant cycle, or current.

As I turned to leave,
back up the steps and onto the crowded Varanasi streets,
I took one last look back over my shoulder
as thousands of tiny candles flickered and floated
on the soft, unwavering current,
illuminating that holy river into eternity,
and I thought,
*what a fall.
but what light.
what impossible light.
Jesse Osborne Nov 2015
1.* Put headphones in like veins surrendering to needle,
scroll thru library
for sad british 70s punk-
preferably Joy Division or The Clash
so you can set your insides on fire.

2. Walk with rivers in your step
like your feet have always known where to go
like your steel-toed boots are fishing boats
in a tsunami.

3. Switch song,
speed up.

4. Dodge clusters of sophomores turned disease
which threatens your bloodstream,
ignore side-looks and eye contact
which is just a step away from a conversation you're not looking to have,
remember not to catch your ex-girlfriend's eye
like she's the light
and you're all moth
and desperation
and the last time you looked in her direction,
you didn't get out of bed for 3 days.

5. Keep walking.
Even if it feels like its the only thing you can do these days.
Remember that you're still breathing.

6. For bonus points,
clutch some pretentious reading material like
Infinite Jest, or anything James Joyce,
and if freshman get in the way,
it's ok to push them.

7. Glare at the boys who stare at your ***
like you're trying to set them on fire,
and bless broken hallway hearts
with the dust of their bones
like it's Ash Wednesday and everything's burning.

8. But always keep a straight face.
Lean on apathy like you're drowning
and it's the only piece of driftwood for 50 miles and
you've had hurricanes in your eyes since September 9th.

9. Don't let them see the burn holes in your spine
from endless cigarette prayers on starless nights
or the way you think about love
and riverbanks
and exodus.

10. Look straight ahead
like you're numb,
even though you've got hydrangeas blooming in your ribcage.

Reveal nothing.
So they fear you.
So you fear you.
Class has begun.
Jesse Osborne Nov 2015
i remember that day in that little park when your were wearing your blue dress with the flowers and i looked at you as the sun danced golden across your eyelids and thought i am so In Love with this girl we were intoxicated with the promise of spring and stardust and flowerbeds already making plans for what we'd do on our 6 month anniversary that day we kissed until our lips were swollen bruised purple like blackberries in late august and i liked how days after whenever i touched my lips i knew you'd been there
Jesse Osborne Nov 2015
Today I woke up
and you were still in my bed.
Blue walls against purple hair
trying to force themselves
into being complimentary.
I don't understand how
"non-monogamy" works
but I've always hated contradictions
and the way I buy flowers just to watch them die.
I should've learned by now
that people fly away
and birds leave in the morning
and I can't keep losing myself
in the palms of another person
like I'm praying for a baptism
or a cup of coffee.

----

Sunday mornings should exist in the thesaurus
under chiaroscuro
or broken glass
or the shedding of the uterine lining, see:
"letting go of dead things".
When you left, you took your purple with you.
Brooklyn got off her knees and got on with the day.
I laid in bed and watched the pigeons on my windowsill
mistaking the blue walls for sky.
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