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mari-lynPoems
I often think about all of the times I sat here listening for the sound of betrayal. I sat here praying to hear nothing and holding my breath. I realize now, that I was horrible at this. I am not capable of standing by an addict. Because I cannot sympathize, I cannot empathize with you. And it makes me feel like a terrible person. I know on a reasonably sensible level that you did not choose your actions with me in mind. But the selfishness that surrounded those actions, that way of being, forced me to be selfish in my own way. I know that you suffer from an overwhelmingly terrifying disease. But every time you removed that spoon from the secret pouch it was in, I felt the needle myself. I felt it ***** and go through my skin. But instead of the rush of bliss you were enjoying in your world, a rush of terror and anxiety flowed through my veins. As you sat there contentedly drifting in and out of consciousness, I was screaming and crying Inside. It was truly terrifying to sit helplessly by while you destroyed yourself and my faith in you. I blame myself for your failure to measure up to my expectations of you. I blame myself because I sat by and never truly confronted Your addiction My pain Or the fact that our relationship ended The first time I caught you Spoon in hand.
0
Mar 1, 2014
Mar 1, 2014 at 9:32 PM UTC
Spoon in Hand
I often think about all of the times I sat here listening for the sound of betrayal. I sat here praying to hear nothing and holding my breath. I realize now, that I was horrible at this. I am not capable of standing by an addict. Because I cannot sympathize, I cannot empathize with you. And it makes me feel like a terrible person. I know on a reasonably sensible level that you did not choose your actions with me in mind. But the selfishness that surrounded those actions, that way of being, forced me to be selfish in my own way. I know that you suffer from an overwhelmingly terrifying disease. But every time you removed that spoon from the secret pouch it was in, I felt the needle myself. I felt it ***** and go through my skin. But instead of the rush of bliss you were enjoying in your world, a rush of terror and anxiety flowed through my veins. As you sat there contentedly drifting in and out of consciousness, I was screaming and crying Inside. It was truly terrifying to sit helplessly by while you destroyed yourself and my faith in you. I blame myself for your failure to measure up to my expectations of you. I blame myself because I sat by and never truly confronted Your addiction My pain Or the fact that our relationship ended The first time I caught you Spoon in hand.
mari-lyn
Written by
mari-lyn
American
Mar 1, 2014
Mar 1, 2014 at 9:32 PM UTC
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