The last couple years, it didn’t feel like much. I think because I was always with some guy that I thought would become my husband and take all the pain and memories away with a baby and some kind of life we could give each other. This year though, I’m alone, for the first time in years, like actually since my freshman year of college, and it’s been hitting me harder. I thought it would pass like it always does.
I would notice that the weather was getting warmer or colder depending on whatever the groundhog said, and then my birthday would come and go, and then my brother’s birthday would come and go, and then it would be almost the end of March. That was really the only time I’d notice—oh wow, it’s almost April. It’s almost April 14th. It’s almost the worst day of my life.
When it’s coming up now, it feels like I’m preparing for ******* doomsday but my brain hasn’t caught up yet. But it’s not in my body either… it’s somewhere in between. In my nerves and veins and skin, in the way I look to the right or check down the street or in the back of my car. It isn’t waking up wet from ******* in the bed. Not yet, and I hope not.
This year it’s my body shutting down on me, my drive to keep going, or not even keep going but to
get up, wake up, shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, change my clothes, feed my cats, clean my house, do my laundry, sweep the floor, pull hair out from between my toes, brush my hair, do my makeup, put a shirt on for work, open the windows, breathe fresh air, light a candle, buy groceries, meal prep, leave the house, unlock the door, move my legs, it’s everything I should be able to do but can’t because I’m not sure why yet. I guess it’s the depression coming in hard for the first time in years. I haven’t wanted to **** myself or harm myself in that way, but I can’t imagine I’m far away from that. I can’t be sure because I can’t even predict what’s happening in my body or what will happen so I’m not sure what will happen soon in my mind.
I know that it is March 24th and that I am drinking ***** straight with a water chaser. I know that is not a good sign. I know that I watched Heaven Knows What the other night with a man that I’ve only known for a month or two.
I know that it feels like I’m preparing for something horrible, like I’m hunkering down as deep as I can and getting as sad as I can to get ready. But I’m not even sure it will be that bad, so why am I preparing like it already happened? It’s like it’s already been April 14th and Marcus already came into my mind and my body already went back. But none of that has happened. I mean, yes, he always is here, and my body always is there, but it hasn’t ended up in ******* dreams or intense flashbacks yet.
I expect maybe those feelings or thoughts will come in April.
-Not a fully-formed poem or thought. Just life
Mar 24
Mar 24, 2026 at 10:26 PM UTC
The last couple years, it didn’t feel like much. I think because I was always with some guy that I thought would become my husband and take all the pain and memories away with a baby and some kind of life we could give each other. This year though, I’m alone, for the first time in years, like actually since my freshman year of college, and it’s been hitting me harder. I thought it would pass like it always does.
I would notice that the weather was getting warmer or colder depending on whatever the groundhog said, and then my birthday would come and go, and then my brother’s birthday would come and go, and then it would be almost the end of March. That was really the only time I’d notice—oh wow, it’s almost April. It’s almost April 14th. It’s almost the worst day of my life.
When it’s coming up now, it feels like I’m preparing for ******* doomsday but my brain hasn’t caught up yet. But it’s not in my body either… it’s somewhere in between. In my nerves and veins and skin, in the way I look to the right or check down the street or in the back of my car. It isn’t waking up wet from ******* in the bed. Not yet, and I hope not.
This year it’s my body shutting down on me, my drive to keep going, or not even keep going but to
get up, wake up, shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, change my clothes, feed my cats, clean my house, do my laundry, sweep the floor, pull hair out from between my toes, brush my hair, do my makeup, put a shirt on for work, open the windows, breathe fresh air, light a candle, buy groceries, meal prep, leave the house, unlock the door, move my legs, it’s everything I should be able to do but can’t because I’m not sure why yet. I guess it’s the depression coming in hard for the first time in years. I haven’t wanted to **** myself or harm myself in that way, but I can’t imagine I’m far away from that. I can’t be sure because I can’t even predict what’s happening in my body or what will happen so I’m not sure what will happen soon in my mind.
I know that it is March 24th and that I am drinking ***** straight with a water chaser. I know that is not a good sign. I know that I watched Heaven Knows What the other night with a man that I’ve only known for a month or two.
I know that it feels like I’m preparing for something horrible, like I’m hunkering down as deep as I can and getting as sad as I can to get ready. But I’m not even sure it will be that bad, so why am I preparing like it already happened? It’s like it’s already been April 14th and Marcus already came into my mind and my body already went back. But none of that has happened. I mean, yes, he always is here, and my body always is there, but it hasn’t ended up in ******* dreams or intense flashbacks yet.
I expect maybe those feelings or thoughts will come in April.
-Not a fully-formed poem or thought. Just life
