The last couple years, it didn’t feel like much. I think because I was always with some guy that I thought would become my husband and take all the pain and memories away with a baby and some kind of life we could give each other. This year though, I’m alone, for the first time in years, like actually since my freshman year of college, and it’s been hitting me harder. I thought it would pass like it always does.
I would notice that the weather was getting warmer or colder depending on whatever the groundhog said, and then my birthday would come and go, and then my brother’s birthday would come and go, and then it would be almost the end of March. That was really the only time I’d notice—oh wow, it’s almost April. It’s almost April 14th. It’s almost the worst day of my life.
When it’s coming up now, it feels like I’m preparing for ******* doomsday but my brain hasn’t caught up yet. But it’s not in my body either… it’s somewhere in between. In my nerves and veins and skin, in the way I look to the right or check down the street or in the back of my car. It isn’t waking up wet from ******* in the bed. Not yet, and I hope not.
This year it’s my body shutting down on me, my drive to keep going, or not even keep going but to
get up, wake up, shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, change my clothes, feed my cats, clean my house, do my laundry, sweep the floor, pull hair out from between my toes, brush my hair, do my makeup, put a shirt on for work, open the windows, breathe fresh air, light a candle, buy groceries, meal prep, leave the house, unlock the door, move my legs, it’s everything I should be able to do but can’t because I’m not sure why yet. I guess it’s the depression coming in hard for the first time in years. I haven’t wanted to **** myself or harm myself in that way, but I can’t imagine I’m far away from that. I can’t be sure because I can’t even predict what’s happening in my body or what will happen so I’m not sure what will happen soon in my mind.
I know that it is March 24th and that I am drinking ***** straight with a water chaser. I know that is not a good sign. I know that I watched Heaven Knows What the other night with a man that I’ve only known for a month or two.
I know that it feels like I’m preparing for something horrible, like I’m hunkering down as deep as I can and getting as sad as I can to get ready. But I’m not even sure it will be that bad, so why am I preparing like it already happened? It’s like it’s already been April 14th and Marcus already came into my mind and my body already went back. But none of that has happened. I mean, yes, he always is here, and my body always is there, but it hasn’t ended up in ******* dreams or intense flashbacks yet.
I expect maybe those feelings or thoughts will come in April.
-Not a fully-formed poem or thought. Just life
Mar 24
Mar 24, 2026 at 10:26 PM UTC
At that moment, the pieces of glass exploding from the windows of her city gently moved backward and glued themselves into their panes. The flames from bursting from buildings curled themselves inward, clearing smoke from the sky, wiping away a soft sun that showed everything was right again.
"I miss you," he had said. "I miss you."
Jan 18, 2023
Jan 18, 2023 at 5:45 PM UTC
Sweet things remembered go
sour
in the now.
Dragging pieces from you s l o w l y
that you once
choked
down somehow
Didn't they look soft
when they lit up your world?
The way their budding promises
came to your lips unfurled?
Like dandelion skeletons
slipping through the wind
Sweet moments that
built you a
home
Dance
v
i o l e
n t
in the end
Jan 18, 2023
Jan 18, 2023 at 5:23 PM UTC
Remembers best while the worst falls back. Forgetful Girl, where'd you leave your worth this time? Forgetful Girl, repeated patterns, they won't change your mind. Forgetful Girl, is the pain the only one you won't lack? Forgetful Girl, finding faith at the alter of their eyes? Forgetful Girl, burning your knees hoping they won't lie? Forgetful Girl, always running to the past. Forgetful Girl, it's all the same, close your eyes. Deep breaths.
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 8:52 PM UTC
I said I'd get away from this
yet find myself in sin
With men who work and use and
steal the parts of me once lived
I swore I'd leave this me behind
yet here she is tonight
I want to run but shriveled legs
can't go far in the night
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 8:49 PM UTC
I want the hold of holiness
whatever that may be
Tightly wrap and warm my heart
that's longing to be free
I need your hold of holiness
whoever you may be
Searching for them
with such forced grin
Will I be holy?
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 8:47 PM UTC
Carousel
Slow down slow down
I can't keep up my strength
On and off and staying here
I have no time to waste
Yet I'll stay and swing and listen well
Faster but I will fall
Hang on until I can't no more
Spin me through it all
My bones are weak and I'm afraid
I'm gonna hit the ground
Carousel
Oh carousel
Make me lost not found
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 8:46 PM UTC
I'm bright circles inside rotted wood, cut open on the edges of your mind
Endlessly talking about rebirth, waiting for spoken word
Cold days, dark nights, I'll stay in place
Footprints in dirt forever will be mine
Did you know to settle me before leaving me to die?
Taking all my warmth away so you could stay alive
Nov 15, 2022
Nov 15, 2022 at 7:06 PM UTC
"Airing our ***** laundry."
"No one likes you anyway"
"Attention *****
"Selfish little *****
"Stupidest thing I've ever been a part of"
"All my friends say you're crazy"
"You just love confrontation"
You asked me not to air our ***** laundry
So here it is
As clean as it was
The first time we met
Apr 6, 2022
Apr 6, 2022 at 9:08 PM UTC
When you live below someone
and you both live in a building
built in the 1920s
you become friends
even when you've never met
Apr 6, 2022
Apr 6, 2022 at 9:07 PM UTC