I put all my grief in a box
Neatly packed and tightly sealed with a label
As if I am moving on
I don’t want to unpack my grief about you because I never wanted to pack that stuff to begin with
I never wanted to move.
No matter how hard I try to shove it in the back of my mind and pretend it doesn’t exist
Something falls out of the box and I pick it up and am reminded of how much I love you
Like a childhood stuffed animal I am too attached to, and refused to get rid of
Even if it’s missing an eye, and all the stuffing is coming out the sides
You comfort me, and I hold you. Wishing you were animated and could talk back.
I look for you every where like a lost puppy that is searching for a home to keep warm
I am stuck out in the cold and freeze.
I sit on the corner begging time for spare change
But my pockets and cup are empty
I don’t want to accept this.
There is too much grief to fit in that tiny box even if I seal it with a lock and shove it as far back as I can in a closet
It all eventually exploded until my room is covered
Until I am buried, overflowed, up to my ears with memories of you
My mind still can’t wrap my head around this mess
I pick up all the pieces one by one
And comb over every detail over and over, a detective searching for DNA seeing if there is something I missed
Hoping for even just a strand, a fiber, a string, a shred of your existence you left behind that leads me back to you
Sometimes I find a loose thread and pull it hoping that maybe it’s a part of you
But I just end up unraveling myself from the seams
Until I am nothing but a pathetic, tangled ball of yarn on the floor
I can’t untangle my grief.
There’s too many complicated knots my little hands can’t untie
I am forever tangled with you because you were my mother
My beautiful mother.
How I wish that you could hold me in your arms one more time or read me lullabies
22 was too young to lose you.
I wasn’t ready to grow up without you
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye because how can you say goodbye to the one person who taught you to say hello, and taught you all the colors of the rainbow?
There is nothing like a mother’s love.
And oh how you and your love shined like the sun above
I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of this world without you in it.
There’s too many monsters underneath my bed and inside my head, I want to run to your room so you can show me that everything is gonna be okay, and that my mind is just playing tricks on me.
You litter my mind, I find pieces of you everywhere, but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
You are my treasure, you are precious to me, I clutch you tight to my chest, hoping nothing can steal you away from me.
My compass, my lighthouse that points me back to shore
I am lost at sea, homesick and sea sick
I just wanted to go back to land again so for once so this vertigo can stop, so I can feel steady and stable but I can’t when the ground is shaking beneath me.
You were my North Star that I looked for to guide me home
I am forever stuck in this infinite void with my stomach churning and my heart yearning and pining for you.
Searching for a message in a bottle
How I will forever miss you, my beautiful star
You were something special, you will always win the 1st place medal in my mind
I miss your scent but all your belongings have faded of that because you have spent too much time in that box
Eventually at some point I have to put everything back in the box until next time.
I love to see all my treasure that I’ve collected, all the sparkly pretty things that distract me from this ugly reality
Then I will resume, go back and carry on, pretending that I am okay without you.
I carry myself through life with my child like curiosity, with lightness, a kindness that you taught me
I love you my beautiful mother
When it all becomes too much I’ll just hide under the covers and pretend that you are tucking me and saying goodnight and I love you one last time.
Jan 31
Jan 31, 2026 at 12:29 AM UTC
I put all my grief in a box
Neatly packed and tightly sealed with a label
As if I am moving on
I don’t want to unpack my grief about you because I never wanted to pack that stuff to begin with
I never wanted to move.
No matter how hard I try to shove it in the back of my mind and pretend it doesn’t exist
Something falls out of the box and I pick it up and am reminded of how much I love you
Like a childhood stuffed animal I am too attached to, and refused to get rid of
Even if it’s missing an eye, and all the stuffing is coming out the sides
You comfort me, and I hold you. Wishing you were animated and could talk back.
I look for you every where like a lost puppy that is searching for a home to keep warm
I am stuck out in the cold and freeze.
I sit on the corner begging time for spare change
But my pockets and cup are empty
I don’t want to accept this.
There is too much grief to fit in that tiny box even if I seal it with a lock and shove it as far back as I can in a closet
It all eventually exploded until my room is covered
Until I am buried, overflowed, up to my ears with memories of you
My mind still can’t wrap my head around this mess
I pick up all the pieces one by one
And comb over every detail over and over, a detective searching for DNA seeing if there is something I missed
Hoping for even just a strand, a fiber, a string, a shred of your existence you left behind that leads me back to you
Sometimes I find a loose thread and pull it hoping that maybe it’s a part of you
But I just end up unraveling myself from the seams
Until I am nothing but a pathetic, tangled ball of yarn on the floor
I can’t untangle my grief.
There’s too many complicated knots my little hands can’t untie
I am forever tangled with you because you were my mother
My beautiful mother.
How I wish that you could hold me in your arms one more time or read me lullabies
22 was too young to lose you.
I wasn’t ready to grow up without you
I wasn’t ready to say goodbye because how can you say goodbye to the one person who taught you to say hello, and taught you all the colors of the rainbow?
There is nothing like a mother’s love.
And oh how you and your love shined like the sun above
I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of this world without you in it.
There’s too many monsters underneath my bed and inside my head, I want to run to your room so you can show me that everything is gonna be okay, and that my mind is just playing tricks on me.
You litter my mind, I find pieces of you everywhere, but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
You are my treasure, you are precious to me, I clutch you tight to my chest, hoping nothing can steal you away from me.
My compass, my lighthouse that points me back to shore
I am lost at sea, homesick and sea sick
I just wanted to go back to land again so for once so this vertigo can stop, so I can feel steady and stable but I can’t when the ground is shaking beneath me.
You were my North Star that I looked for to guide me home
I am forever stuck in this infinite void with my stomach churning and my heart yearning and pining for you.
Searching for a message in a bottle
How I will forever miss you, my beautiful star
You were something special, you will always win the 1st place medal in my mind
I miss your scent but all your belongings have faded of that because you have spent too much time in that box
Eventually at some point I have to put everything back in the box until next time.
I love to see all my treasure that I’ve collected, all the sparkly pretty things that distract me from this ugly reality
Then I will resume, go back and carry on, pretending that I am okay without you.
I carry myself through life with my child like curiosity, with lightness, a kindness that you taught me
I love you my beautiful mother
When it all becomes too much I’ll just hide under the covers and pretend that you are tucking me and saying goodnight and I love you one last time.