I feel my heart slowly closing again. My hopes and dreams shrinking once more. After I let you in. Taken for granted, my always open door. I forgave so much even when you went too far. It's raw, re-opened, this broken heart's scar. You can't feel me. You don't hear me. This thumping in my chest, silent screaming. Still you don't see. Yet I am always dreaming. That you can be the one, my one and only. But every night I cry, you only leave me lonely. I spent so many years on people who never truly wanted me. They only wanted what they perceived or shaped me to be.
I want to smother all my feelings and pretend it's all okay.
Lean into your hugs and kisses and by that my own heart betray.
Can't stop thinking of the plastic women lingering in your eyes.
Find myself re-capping all your prior lies.
My body fills with doubt and relentless anxiety.
I find it hard to believe I am a top priority.
You present a bandaid and expect me to forgive-
Let it all blowover; but you can't seem to understand this is no way for my trust, my love, to live.
I feel it gasping for breath - for crumbs to feed.
You place them on a pedestal with words like "they're out of my league."
Where does that put me? In your heart? Your mind?
The faith I once held in your words feels so very hard to find.
Always second best... or 'good enough' for you.
I feel myself falling apart and I don't know what to do.
Wallowing in my sorrow every couple days, hoping you actually see me and someone's love for me finally stays.
Like wind through an old window I feel thoughts creep in.
Chilling me with images of a secret sin.
I wish I didn't have to beg for your eyes. Your heart, your hands.
To want only me. I wish I didn't have to wonder if you thought of someone else you wish I would be. As we lay together. Side by side. I hate feeling like there's always something you hide.
Maybe I'm not the one for you, maybe this isn't something true.
I hate to think this way but I'm living in this distorted view.
Traumatized heart and watery eyes.
After I lived a life with half felt ties.
From lovers and partners who tried to mold me to their design.
While they yearned for other women or led me along.
I was always theirs but they were never mine.
Tired of living a life in doubt and repeating the same old song.
Maybe I am too broken and I'm no longer beautiful to you.
I wonder on nights like these if we will never make it through.
It doesn't matter what I do - what I wear.
I can't seem to get your words, your stare.
Everyone always just wants to dip their toes on the shore.
When it gets too deep, they don't want to know me more.
After every break in my chest -
I try not to let the cage of my heart calcify.
Give myself all the love I can, time to rest.
I always find myself believing the next guy.
I want you to be the last chance,
The last time I have to open it up.
I want to believe you will return all the love I give to my cup.
I want this to be my last dance.
But when your gaze lingered on my flaws -
I heard the words before they left your lips.
The same judgments my own mind whispered in my ears.
The moment that lived in my fears.
Everything that confirmed, "You're never good enough to be loved with a full heart."
Always on repeat... that part.
Always on repeat.
Finding myself in bed with my own self-defeat.
Turn down the covers,
Turn off the lights - all these inner fights.
Shutting down.
As my smile turns to a cracked frown.
How many times can you break the same piece until it will finally shatter?
I need to know, to really see, that I truly matter.
I feel me slipping through your fingers.
You speak all these sweet words and promises to my glistening green eyes.
My heart aches and here it lingers.
Though my mind now doubts and labels them as lies.
Am I pretty in all my broken pieces?
Sharp - they cut so deep.
Am I truly who you wish to keep?
I'm always gluing myself back together.
Look, I'm glittering with lines of gold.
I think I might be too much, too delicate, for someone to ever hold.
Another chapter where I pretend I'm all better.
I just want this story to be the right one.
No more rough drafts or unfinished chapters. When will my ink dry? When can I feel done?
I'm running out of parchment for paper hearts
And new starts.
......
Oct 1, 2025
Oct 1, 2025 at 10:34 PM UTC
I feel my heart slowly closing again. My hopes and dreams shrinking once more. After I let you in. Taken for granted, my always open door. I forgave so much even when you went too far. It's raw, re-opened, this broken heart's scar. You can't feel me. You don't hear me. This thumping in my chest, silent screaming. Still you don't see. Yet I am always dreaming. That you can be the one, my one and only. But every night I cry, you only leave me lonely. I spent so many years on people who never truly wanted me. They only wanted what they perceived or shaped me to be.
I want to smother all my feelings and pretend it's all okay.
Lean into your hugs and kisses and by that my own heart betray.
Can't stop thinking of the plastic women lingering in your eyes.
Find myself re-capping all your prior lies.
My body fills with doubt and relentless anxiety.
I find it hard to believe I am a top priority.
You present a bandaid and expect me to forgive-
Let it all blowover; but you can't seem to understand this is no way for my trust, my love, to live.
I feel it gasping for breath - for crumbs to feed.
You place them on a pedestal with words like "they're out of my league."
Where does that put me? In your heart? Your mind?
The faith I once held in your words feels so very hard to find.
Always second best... or 'good enough' for you.
I feel myself falling apart and I don't know what to do.
Wallowing in my sorrow every couple days, hoping you actually see me and someone's love for me finally stays.
Like wind through an old window I feel thoughts creep in.
Chilling me with images of a secret sin.
I wish I didn't have to beg for your eyes. Your heart, your hands.
To want only me. I wish I didn't have to wonder if you thought of someone else you wish I would be. As we lay together. Side by side. I hate feeling like there's always something you hide.
Maybe I'm not the one for you, maybe this isn't something true.
I hate to think this way but I'm living in this distorted view.
Traumatized heart and watery eyes.
After I lived a life with half felt ties.
From lovers and partners who tried to mold me to their design.
While they yearned for other women or led me along.
I was always theirs but they were never mine.
Tired of living a life in doubt and repeating the same old song.
Maybe I am too broken and I'm no longer beautiful to you.
I wonder on nights like these if we will never make it through.
It doesn't matter what I do - what I wear.
I can't seem to get your words, your stare.
Everyone always just wants to dip their toes on the shore.
When it gets too deep, they don't want to know me more.
After every break in my chest -
I try not to let the cage of my heart calcify.
Give myself all the love I can, time to rest.
I always find myself believing the next guy.
I want you to be the last chance,
The last time I have to open it up.
I want to believe you will return all the love I give to my cup.
I want this to be my last dance.
But when your gaze lingered on my flaws -
I heard the words before they left your lips.
The same judgments my own mind whispered in my ears.
The moment that lived in my fears.
Everything that confirmed, "You're never good enough to be loved with a full heart."
Always on repeat... that part.
Always on repeat.
Finding myself in bed with my own self-defeat.
Turn down the covers,
Turn off the lights - all these inner fights.
Shutting down.
As my smile turns to a cracked frown.
How many times can you break the same piece until it will finally shatter?
I need to know, to really see, that I truly matter.
I feel me slipping through your fingers.
You speak all these sweet words and promises to my glistening green eyes.
My heart aches and here it lingers.
Though my mind now doubts and labels them as lies.
Am I pretty in all my broken pieces?
Sharp - they cut so deep.
Am I truly who you wish to keep?
I'm always gluing myself back together.
Look, I'm glittering with lines of gold.
I think I might be too much, too delicate, for someone to ever hold.
Another chapter where I pretend I'm all better.
I just want this story to be the right one.
No more rough drafts or unfinished chapters. When will my ink dry? When can I feel done?
I'm running out of parchment for paper hearts
And new starts.
......
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