sigmund freud believed we all carry within ourselves
a suicide impulse, some
strange & counter-evolutionary desire
to return to that moment
of perfect, untainted stillness
before birth.
i don't know if i agree, but
i know enough to know
i want to feel that quiet
instead of the voices
in my head.
you don't need to give me more reasons
to pick myself apart; i never said
i was perfect.
you don't need to point out
the flaws i already hate myself for.
the truth is this: i have found someone
who makes me feel like me again,
who i will expose myself to,
in uncompromised vulnerability,
& who will love every bit of ugly,
who will make me better.
my lungs do not know how to be lungs,
i am becoming bones again,
the scars on my wrists threatening to arise
as fresh again..
i have never once thought myself good enough
& now he is teaching me how to believe
just that. everything else is falling
beneath me; it is all a ball & chain
around my ankles,
while your words rail through me,
bullets giving me just one more reason
to bleed again.
these tears are not for you,
i am not for you,
i am trying to be better,
& please, just let me fight
the urge to seek that silence
without giving me another reason
to throw myself
headlong down
the rabbit
hole.
Nov 11, 2013
Nov 11, 2013 at 2:04 PM UTC
sigmund freud believed we all carry within ourselves
a suicide impulse, some
strange & counter-evolutionary desire
to return to that moment
of perfect, untainted stillness
before birth.
i don't know if i agree, but
i know enough to know
i want to feel that quiet
instead of the voices
in my head.
you don't need to give me more reasons
to pick myself apart; i never said
i was perfect.
you don't need to point out
the flaws i already hate myself for.
the truth is this: i have found someone
who makes me feel like me again,
who i will expose myself to,
in uncompromised vulnerability,
& who will love every bit of ugly,
who will make me better.
my lungs do not know how to be lungs,
i am becoming bones again,
the scars on my wrists threatening to arise
as fresh again..
i have never once thought myself good enough
& now he is teaching me how to believe
just that. everything else is falling
beneath me; it is all a ball & chain
around my ankles,
while your words rail through me,
bullets giving me just one more reason
to bleed again.
these tears are not for you,
i am not for you,
i am trying to be better,
& please, just let me fight
the urge to seek that silence
without giving me another reason
to throw myself
headlong down
the rabbit
hole.
"i'm just a ****** up girl searching for my own peace of mind" ~clementine, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
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