emily-26 - Hello Poetry

i want to move into the hollow of your heart, pack all i own into my battered backpack & lay it out to rest on your bedroom shelves, run run run down the ice-slick streets in winter until i finally reach you, until i am home/to be alone/with you there are years that ache like bruises on my thighs & years that are soft like rabbit ears, like flannel pajamas like the way it feels to have found you. at last, at last: the morning birds murmur their musings as we sip cocoa so sweet & so hot it scalds my throat but not, but not, but not nearly as much as your mouth brands my lips yours. someday, someday, someday, pretty baby, time will pass in kisses, the coffeepot hisses, you will find yourself waking in a cathedral of our warmth new-day light spilling over our bodies, the ocean-state sheets – you will know. you will know – i will tell you now, but someday you will know - you are going to be safe, finally safe, forever. i will love you. i will love you. i will love you.

0

Jan 8, 2015

Jan 8, 2015 at 10:35 PM UTC

we are being

i want to move into the hollow of your heart, pack all i own into my battered backpack & lay it out to rest on your bedroom shelves, run run run down the ice-slick streets in winter until i finally reach you, until i am home/to be alone/with you there are years that ache like bruises on my thighs & years that are soft like rabbit ears, like flannel pajamas like the way it feels to have found you. at last, at last: the morning birds murmur their musings as we sip cocoa so sweet & so hot it scalds my throat but not, but not, but not nearly as much as your mouth brands my lips yours. someday, someday, someday, pretty baby, time will pass in kisses, the coffeepot hisses, you will find yourself waking in a cathedral of our warmth new-day light spilling over our bodies, the ocean-state sheets – you will know. you will know – i will tell you now, but someday you will know - you are going to be safe, finally safe, forever. i will love you. i will love you. i will love you.

29

all of life’s a game & i’m playing to win this means making love to myself & apologizing to my ruined skin this means i give a smile to every stranger who looks me in the eye this means the word may be sharp to the touch but i am trying to be very soft. we’re all a mess of broken hearts & tangled brain wires empty stomachs, borderline suicide bids, a telephone call away from an emergency waiting to happen, but i’m sick & tired of being bitter. this is how you thaw. this is how you taste sweeter. this is how you live, now, dear brokenness: i do not belong in your cemetery. my roots have spread wide & deep, i am anchored to this earth with everything i have left. you gave me a shovel, said to dig my own grave & i used it to plant a garden around me. here is where i learn to love me. here is when i hold my own hand. here is how you start over.

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Nov 3, 2014

Nov 3, 2014 at 4:53 PM UTC

i am honey on the tongue

all of life’s a game & i’m playing to win this means making love to myself & apologizing to my ruined skin this means i give a smile to every stranger who looks me in the eye this means the word may be sharp to the touch but i am trying to be very soft. we’re all a mess of broken hearts & tangled brain wires empty stomachs, borderline suicide bids, a telephone call away from an emergency waiting to happen, but i’m sick & tired of being bitter. this is how you thaw. this is how you taste sweeter. this is how you live, now, dear brokenness: i do not belong in your cemetery. my roots have spread wide & deep, i am anchored to this earth with everything i have left. you gave me a shovel, said to dig my own grave & i used it to plant a garden around me. here is where i learn to love me. here is when i hold my own hand. here is how you start over.

19

when every day is all pen ink running dry & shaky caffeine fingers, panic attack fever & ***** bathroom stall tears, remember you already survived yourself. remember you took poison pills & they couldn’t even **** you. mama never said there’d be days like these but this has always been more hailstorms than sweater weather. give me something ****** & sentient, i need to be touched so badly, even if it comes sharp knuckles & bruises. i need everyone to love me but all i see is you. glassy-eyed & giving my all, finally on the verge of becoming, this is what i give you. this is my offering. & then you tell me i’m doing so good & kiss the splash of coffee from my nose see, i want the whole world remembered in my neurons, in my fingertips, in the backs of my eyelids i want an infinity of foreign places burned into my brain but if you’re the only country i rest my roots into i want nothing else.

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Oct 26, 2014

Oct 26, 2014 at 9:12 PM UTC

silver linings

when every day is all pen ink running dry & shaky caffeine fingers, panic attack fever & ***** bathroom stall tears, remember you already survived yourself. remember you took poison pills & they couldn’t even **** you. mama never said there’d be days like these but this has always been more hailstorms than sweater weather. give me something ****** & sentient, i need to be touched so badly, even if it comes sharp knuckles & bruises. i need everyone to love me but all i see is you. glassy-eyed & giving my all, finally on the verge of becoming, this is what i give you. this is my offering. & then you tell me i’m doing so good & kiss the splash of coffee from my nose see, i want the whole world remembered in my neurons, in my fingertips, in the backs of my eyelids i want an infinity of foreign places burned into my brain but if you’re the only country i rest my roots into i want nothing else.

20

all the strangeness & sadness in the world gets under my skin at three a.m. with the lights off the world falls fast asleep as my fingers pray their nervous way to grasp at my stomach, measuring. always measuring. there’s always pills with breakfast & food i don’t want to eat, a room full of faces & i can’t even recognize my own. when it’s cold & my lips are numb, teeth clattering, i am finally alive. winter is a wild thing, dragging out the demons until they go for the throat. i want a feeling so hard it hurts. i want any feeling at all. listen: there’s a million reasons i have to stay alive even though there are days when the one not to is the only thought to occupy my mind. my sadness is not sweet it’s the mornings i can’t drag myself out of bed because i’m so violently miserable & you haven’t even left yet.

0

Sep 23, 2014

Sep 23, 2014 at 6:38 PM UTC

i’m sorry for even writing when the words aren’t right at all

all the strangeness & sadness in the world gets under my skin at three a.m. with the lights off the world falls fast asleep as my fingers pray their nervous way to grasp at my stomach, measuring. always measuring. there’s always pills with breakfast & food i don’t want to eat, a room full of faces & i can’t even recognize my own. when it’s cold & my lips are numb, teeth clattering, i am finally alive. winter is a wild thing, dragging out the demons until they go for the throat. i want a feeling so hard it hurts. i want any feeling at all. listen: there’s a million reasons i have to stay alive even though there are days when the one not to is the only thought to occupy my mind. my sadness is not sweet it’s the mornings i can’t drag myself out of bed because i’m so violently miserable & you haven’t even left yet.

21

it wasn’t always cherry chapstick kisses & origami lilies, but i tell myself not to remember the way i cried over you, learning the way loss tastes like saltwater, feels like the hectic seaside, storming away i never knew a girl could crack me open at the hinges until you we were always too supernova never knowing quite what was happening when we met skin to skin & flared from the intensity those days were an amusement park ride, sometimes up more often down but we were never wrong, or at least i think we could’ve Made It or even been Forever given a fair chance i always wished i was more rabbit fur to the touch, less gun muzzle nuzzling your ribs my sadness was a burden i didn’t want you to bear my sadness is the dead tree limb hanging from the apple tree i’m sorry i didn’t make you more chocolate frosting i’m sorry i didn’t know the right words to say i’m sorry i wasn’t enough to help you be whole again it wasn’t always you & i, even though it’s hard to remember anything before & it’s been five years five years i’m still too ******* soft for you i’m still too sentimental my poems are rarely about you anymore but every heart metaphor & ragged feeling had to come from somewhere when i dredge up the memories, the happy bits come up before the rest the way you wanted to eat noodles with me at midnight the way we knew how to hold each other from the first time the way i wasn’t bones with you & my eyes were bright i’ve always been into you like a moth to the lamplight & you’re going to be safe forever they’re going to love you & i miss you like winter & nighttime smoke fixes but i’m okay now & i hope you are too

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Aug 11, 2014

Aug 11, 2014 at 11:29 PM UTC

time goes on, soft & sweet

it wasn’t always cherry chapstick kisses & origami lilies, but i tell myself not to remember the way i cried over you, learning the way loss tastes like saltwater, feels like the hectic seaside, storming away i never knew a girl could crack me open at the hinges until you we were always too supernova never knowing quite what was happening when we met skin to skin & flared from the intensity those days were an amusement park ride, sometimes up more often down but we were never wrong, or at least i think we could’ve Made It or even been Forever given a fair chance i always wished i was more rabbit fur to the touch, less gun muzzle nuzzling your ribs my sadness was a burden i didn’t want you to bear my sadness is the dead tree limb hanging from the apple tree i’m sorry i didn’t make you more chocolate frosting i’m sorry i didn’t know the right words to say i’m sorry i wasn’t enough to help you be whole again it wasn’t always you & i, even though it’s hard to remember anything before & it’s been five years five years i’m still too ******* soft for you i’m still too sentimental my poems are rarely about you anymore but every heart metaphor & ragged feeling had to come from somewhere when i dredge up the memories, the happy bits come up before the rest the way you wanted to eat noodles with me at midnight the way we knew how to hold each other from the first time the way i wasn’t bones with you & my eyes were bright i’ve always been into you like a moth to the lamplight & you’re going to be safe forever they’re going to love you & i miss you like winter & nighttime smoke fixes but i’m okay now & i hope you are too

41

all i know of my sadness is this: it kills me or i learn to live with open wounds. nineteen years & i’m tired of half-life, treating the disease as if it can be cured when these are the cards i’ve been dealt. but i have no place to heal. my parent’s house is not my home. i thought i’d grown roots too deep to damage. but i ripped myself out by accident. chose my own path. the trouble is, i’m running blind through the brambles. trying to right the wrongs. every step i make towards where i want to be, something else has to give. the scratches left on my bare limbs just won’t heal. the truth is, i’m halfway to giving up on getting better. the truth is, i need a promise that the future is worth fighting for. the truth is, i’m not sure i’m okay. i am my own lighthouse. my own lanternlight. i am my own constellations when i’m drowning in the blackness. but i don’t want to be alone. i’ve been alone far too long & i don’t want to be alone. not again. not ever. they say, everything is temporary they say, some die yearning for a hand to hold & i swear, i will not be one of them.

0

Jul 26, 2014

Jul 26, 2014 at 11:34 PM UTC

i'm intoxicated but aren't we all?

all i know of my sadness is this: it kills me or i learn to live with open wounds. nineteen years & i’m tired of half-life, treating the disease as if it can be cured when these are the cards i’ve been dealt. but i have no place to heal. my parent’s house is not my home. i thought i’d grown roots too deep to damage. but i ripped myself out by accident. chose my own path. the trouble is, i’m running blind through the brambles. trying to right the wrongs. every step i make towards where i want to be, something else has to give. the scratches left on my bare limbs just won’t heal. the truth is, i’m halfway to giving up on getting better. the truth is, i need a promise that the future is worth fighting for. the truth is, i’m not sure i’m okay. i am my own lighthouse. my own lanternlight. i am my own constellations when i’m drowning in the blackness. but i don’t want to be alone. i’ve been alone far too long & i don’t want to be alone. not again. not ever. they say, everything is temporary they say, some die yearning for a hand to hold & i swear, i will not be one of them.

25

hello cinematic sky dripping dead birds & your moonshine eyes. nothing burns sweeter than the liquor on our tongues when they twine tighter than a newborn's clenched fist. you so lost ships. you empty cornfield. wanna bury my body in your fleshly limbs. feel the tattoo of your heart. there's a bullet with my name on it. you can be a pistol or you can be the stars. either way, i beneath you always. watch the fireflies make love as my lights go out.

0

Jul 9, 2014

Jul 9, 2014 at 12:14 AM UTC

you are ammunition

hello cinematic sky dripping dead birds & your moonshine eyes. nothing burns sweeter than the liquor on our tongues when they twine tighter than a newborn's clenched fist. you so lost ships. you empty cornfield. wanna bury my body in your fleshly limbs. feel the tattoo of your heart. there's a bullet with my name on it. you can be a pistol or you can be the stars. either way, i beneath you always. watch the fireflies make love as my lights go out.

9

you try to stroke the bowl of my belly, it's not romantic & sends the sea swimming my muddy eyes a flood. your mouth sounds out words; they ask how i'm feeling, but i don't tell you what i didn't eat for breakfast this morning or the triple digit number of calories shoved down my throat yesterday. i don't mention the measuring tape noosed about my waist, just to keep those twenty-two inches slender. how could i explain how sometimes i gently imagine wild animals tearing off my flesh them teeth scalpel sharp until me a pile of glittering bones. until i am perfect. you desert mirage. you so so very sweet leaf tea dancing on my tongue & these days, i miss you like summer when you drive to the movies. wanna wrap my narrow ankles round & round your blue black throat & sink my teeth deep in your lower lip.

0

Jul 9, 2014

Jul 9, 2014 at 12:13 AM UTC

you are systemic infection

you try to stroke the bowl of my belly, it's not romantic & sends the sea swimming my muddy eyes a flood. your mouth sounds out words; they ask how i'm feeling, but i don't tell you what i didn't eat for breakfast this morning or the triple digit number of calories shoved down my throat yesterday. i don't mention the measuring tape noosed about my waist, just to keep those twenty-two inches slender. how could i explain how sometimes i gently imagine wild animals tearing off my flesh them teeth scalpel sharp until me a pile of glittering bones. until i am perfect. you desert mirage. you so so very sweet leaf tea dancing on my tongue & these days, i miss you like summer when you drive to the movies. wanna wrap my narrow ankles round & round your blue black throat & sink my teeth deep in your lower lip.

1

my bones are yours for holding & we watch the planets collide. your naked knees bowed against my newborn flesh. i don’t trust anyone with the moon & where were you when the world collapsed? the universe broke when i learned to love you, forbidden symmetry found in some terrible tangle of muscles & tissue. i wore my favorite old t-shirt, cotton stained with blotted cream & coffee, you clung to me, frenetic fingers begging for some semblance of union. we so blurred lines became invincible in our quaking presence. we are entwined, a knotted strand of genetic material & starstuff, quoting communist daughters’ poetry & commanding a listen. listen. carl sagan is my personal jesus, I tell you, for nothing is romantic like biology. there are notches in my hips for your resting elbows, your trembling palms, this is where you belong. young eyes cracked open wide, we are spinning into the depths of some luminous night, human shells shed far behind. we are divine. we are celestial. this is who we are.

0

Jul 9, 2014

Jul 9, 2014 at 12:10 AM UTC

you are fever dream

my bones are yours for holding & we watch the planets collide. your naked knees bowed against my newborn flesh. i don’t trust anyone with the moon & where were you when the world collapsed? the universe broke when i learned to love you, forbidden symmetry found in some terrible tangle of muscles & tissue. i wore my favorite old t-shirt, cotton stained with blotted cream & coffee, you clung to me, frenetic fingers begging for some semblance of union. we so blurred lines became invincible in our quaking presence. we are entwined, a knotted strand of genetic material & starstuff, quoting communist daughters’ poetry & commanding a listen. listen. carl sagan is my personal jesus, I tell you, for nothing is romantic like biology. there are notches in my hips for your resting elbows, your trembling palms, this is where you belong. young eyes cracked open wide, we are spinning into the depths of some luminous night, human shells shed far behind. we are divine. we are celestial. this is who we are.

1

i am a china doll waiting to be dropped. i am thin-legged spiders starving on the ceiling. i am easy prey. i am an accident waiting to happen. i am storm clouds closing in. i am a hummingbird’s last breath. i am a riverbed gone dry. i am a shot of whiskey with twice the aftertaste. i was nothing but a wasteland. i have a history of disaster. i have left bloodstains on everything i’ve ever touched. i do not know how to feel real anymore. i am lying when i pretend i’m not shatter-proof fragile. i am saying my goodbyes before hellos. i love with the whole of my heart. i am waiting to be told i’m worth keeping. i am sleepy eyelids. i am the waning moon. i am terrified. i am euphoria. i will not apologize for my sadness any longer. i am not defined by the rainstorm in my brain. i am my own one. i am human and i need your love. i belong to everyone. i belong to the fireflies making love against the night sky. i am something else. i am beautiful because i am. i am alive, if barely.

0

Jun 23, 2014

Jun 23, 2014 at 8:25 PM UTC

because i always write "you are" instead of "i am"

i am a china doll waiting to be dropped. i am thin-legged spiders starving on the ceiling. i am easy prey. i am an accident waiting to happen. i am storm clouds closing in. i am a hummingbird’s last breath. i am a riverbed gone dry. i am a shot of whiskey with twice the aftertaste. i was nothing but a wasteland. i have a history of disaster. i have left bloodstains on everything i’ve ever touched. i do not know how to feel real anymore. i am lying when i pretend i’m not shatter-proof fragile. i am saying my goodbyes before hellos. i love with the whole of my heart. i am waiting to be told i’m worth keeping. i am sleepy eyelids. i am the waning moon. i am terrified. i am euphoria. i will not apologize for my sadness any longer. i am not defined by the rainstorm in my brain. i am my own one. i am human and i need your love. i belong to everyone. i belong to the fireflies making love against the night sky. i am something else. i am beautiful because i am. i am alive, if barely.

16