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mjsaysheyPoems
do you remember the time when you said that you wished you could send me back? that you wished you had never adopted me? do you remember when i called you a substitute mother? I was only 6 years old, but i should have known better. the first half of my life, i was the problem. i broke rules— broke trust. broke you. eight years later, everything was a fight. i didn’t hate you, but i hated our relationship because it was a minefield. ten years later, and we’re teetering on the edge where anything i do can send us over. i almost miss the constant fighting because at least i felt angry instead of scared. scared of doing the wrong thing, because i always do, every time. at least then, i did not have to live with the knowledge of my guilt. but i should feel guilty, but it hurts. but i should be hurting, because you are hurt. i want to scream, “𝑰 𝑾𝑨𝑺 𝑱𝑼𝑺𝑻 𝑨 𝑲𝑰𝑫”, but you were just a mother being dismissed by a child who you only ever wanted to love. now, i am the one whose every mistake weighs heavy because it is one out of a tall, tall stack. now, i am reaping what i sowed, and swallowing the bitter fruit.
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Jul 16, 2024
Jul 16, 2024 at 7:38 PM UTC
a letter i’ll never send
do you remember the time when you said that you wished you could send me back? that you wished you had never adopted me? do you remember when i called you a substitute mother? I was only 6 years old, but i should have known better. the first half of my life, i was the problem. i broke rules— broke trust. broke you. eight years later, everything was a fight. i didn’t hate you, but i hated our relationship because it was a minefield. ten years later, and we’re teetering on the edge where anything i do can send us over. i almost miss the constant fighting because at least i felt angry instead of scared. scared of doing the wrong thing, because i always do, every time. at least then, i did not have to live with the knowledge of my guilt. but i should feel guilty, but it hurts. but i should be hurting, because you are hurt. i want to scream, “𝑰 𝑾𝑨𝑺 𝑱𝑼𝑺𝑻 𝑨 𝑲𝑰𝑫”, but you were just a mother being dismissed by a child who you only ever wanted to love. now, i am the one whose every mistake weighs heavy because it is one out of a tall, tall stack. now, i am reaping what i sowed, and swallowing the bitter fruit.
sorry, it’s been a while. and, hoo boy, this is a long one
#adoption#trauma#mother#daughter#regret#kid#guilt#angry#scared#bitter
Written by
mjsayshey
18/F/college, yay
Jul 16, 2024
Jul 16, 2024 at 7:38 PM UTC
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