I just want a long, tight hug from anyone. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get one even from my own family. Are they afraid of affection? But they can hug others just fine, so why am I the only exception? Am I missing out on something? I remember crying alone until my sister saw me. I didn’t say anything that day. I went for a hug as soon as I saw her, but I was afraid that she would reject me somehow, like she always did. She didn’t, though, but I could feel that she didn’t know what to do let alone what was going on, so I let go as quickly as I could. I didn’t feel what I was looking for. Not warmth, not welcoming arms, and certainly not a sense of safety, of security. Or even love. It was a terribly difficult night. I cried even harder afterward. Something about being a family fools you into thinking there is affection all the while it doesn’t exist in this reality.
Aug 15, 2022
Aug 15, 2022 at 9:55 AM UTC
I just want a long, tight hug from anyone. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get one even from my own family. Are they afraid of affection? But they can hug others just fine, so why am I the only exception? Am I missing out on something? I remember crying alone until my sister saw me. I didn’t say anything that day. I went for a hug as soon as I saw her, but I was afraid that she would reject me somehow, like she always did. She didn’t, though, but I could feel that she didn’t know what to do let alone what was going on, so I let go as quickly as I could. I didn’t feel what I was looking for. Not warmth, not welcoming arms, and certainly not a sense of safety, of security. Or even love. It was a terribly difficult night. I cried even harder afterward. Something about being a family fools you into thinking there is affection all the while it doesn’t exist in this reality.
Written some time in 2020. I'm basically trauma dumping.
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