I hate that my only experience of love,
Before now,
Was a demonstration of narcissisms bargaining chip. 
The soul source of a narcissists food to feed the ego. 
Because for a long time, 
I was in deep belief that love was fleeting. 
Here one second, 
Non existent the next.
Torturous… 
And devoid of any warmth falsely portrayed in movies, books and the lives of my friends. 

I hate that I was conditioned to believe love was regimented. 
Structured and strictly used to service you. 

Affection was a mirage 
Shown only when I must’ve needed a reminder to cling to false hope that this was real. 

And while some romance films 
Toy with the idea of some small sacrifices being involved
None ever quite explained that you had to forfeit your dreams for a narcissists ego. 
Luckily, this was something you explained to me. 
I should’ve graduated 3 years ago…

Despite your hard hard work to convince me love wasn’t real, 
That I was nothing of worth. 
I am being loved, shown I too can be supported, encouraged. 
And I am stronger 
And worthier
And happier
Than I think you are ever capable of feeling. 

The hole you’ve dug is a deep one,
Get comfy before they fill it in.

madsline

A narcissists lamb

Jun 6, 2026

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guy-scutellaro

removed.u685248

Oh my gosh Madds! I'm SOOO proud of you!!! I had my breakthrough at an Al-Anon meeting, a group my ex-wife encouraged me to go to, but then she very much and VERY quickly regretted her encouragement.

It was at my 2nd meeting, and talking about being a narcissist magnet, but also looking back I saw TONS of relationships that could've been SOOO good but I was only attracted to narcissists because my dad was one, and he imprinted me with my codependency, so I was subconsciously still pouring bottles of Five Star Whiskey down the sink, and trying to stop him from beat up my mom (which gave me a weeeeee bit of a split in my personality that if a woman I love is being hurt I just go from fucking zero to SNAP, and it's almost landing me in prison after I've almost killed men that have hurt women but sooooo overboard, like once in a movie theatre some teenage boys and my not paying attention had my daughter traumatized from they covered her in popcorn they were throwing, and I jumped right between a terrified old couple and came very close to crushing two of their windpipes... I just lose it!).

That "split" was created when my dad raped my mom in front of me and my siblings once, and I jumped on his back and just 
 fucking SHREDDED his face with my three tear-old fingernails, my brother and sister just frozen in place (and I ended up with a fat lip and a giant black eye for my troubles). I didn't mean to make this about me, but to show you that you are so far from alone when dealing with narcissist in romantic relationships. 

The GREATEST gift anyone ever has given me that gave me also a moment of such clarity after me going on about my wife's infidelities, our dire financial situation because she didn't contribute, etc., etc., that your lines, "And while some romance films/Toy with the idea of some small sacrifices being involved/
None ever quite explained that you had to forfeit your dreams for a narcissists ego." so reminded me of was when this women that was also in my Narcotics Anonymous group said to me at the 3rd Al-Anon meeting I ever went to (I also go to CoDA, and I have every Melody Beattie book on codependency, allll the ones on narcissists (My favourites are "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" and esp. one called, "Why Is It Always About You?" by Sandy Hotchkiss, I could recommend both enough truly... I couldn't figure out how I knew more than my psych nurse about codependency and narcissism, yet I COULDN'T make that longest journey from intellect to emotion, but CoDA, it was the missing ingredient for me at least!)"

"Jason, relationships are real work, people now especially don't seem to want to put in the time... but in YOUR relationship? Do you really think relationships are meant to be THAT much work?!? Maybe you're still trying to fix your father by proxy, trying to prove to yourself and the world that love is SOOO good that is can heal a narcissist... human love just IS NOT capable of that!!".

*click*. The light just went ON!! I broke up with Martina that night, I saw it, I had been trying to fix my dad by proxy. It's no wonder my father got on so well with all my exes, they were all EXACTLY LIKE HIM, just raging malignant narcissists, either covert or overt. Figuring out that I was still trying to fix him through others even after his death, it was like I jumped 10 years ahead in my healing journey in one night!!

So, what's my point? Well, I didn't "get there" until I was *46* years-old. Don't be discouraged, those years with that asshole were NOT a waste as long as you learned a life-lesson from them, and in your poems it sound and feels like you certainly have. I'm BEAMING for you, and with myself after getting married to someone after only re-knowing them for 18 days, wow, does doing something rash and maybe the dumbest thing Iy&#233;ya and I have ever done in our lives, lol, time will tell, it sure triggered the FUCK outta every narcissist in my life, including my daughter and a ton of friends, people I couldn't ever even conceive of cutting off, but I did, lifelong friends, my kid who JUST 4 days before had my grandson I will never even see let alone hold, but I have to be true to myself. 

Yes, Iy&#233;ya's mere existence, and having true friends that were delighted for us (including my sister and Sarah aka biche too that I talk to A LOT) they helped me because I wasn't going to put up with ANYONE shit-talking my new wife, but it was about me, that phrase, "To thine own self be true", it rang inside me, and I realized I can ditch people that just are not any good for me without judging them. I forgave people, but still told them easily point blank, "You did this this and this, and I hold nothing against you, but I just do not want you in my life anymore, goodbye". I kept it that short n sweet with a lot of folks, and I went through so much separation anxiety and thinking, "Oh my gosh, did I make a bunch of huge mistakes?!?", but now even just only a month or two later I can feel how the stress and anxiety, the background kind not attached to anything, it was from all these people, my kid included, that were fucking on my case CONSTANTLY, and friends that were SUPER controlling, and not concerned care-taking, but really weirdly trying to control every aspect of my life. SAYANORA YOU FUCKING EMOTIONAL LEECHES!!! All of 'em wanted something from me, even if that something was control over stuff that was none of their business.

I have boundaries, personal ones, written down now, and when I take my own moral inventory I also really contemplate my relationships, and if someone has violated a personal boundary I'll warn them once, and if they do it again they are outta my life. And if it's a boundary that is just a cultural norm of basic right and wrong I won't even warn them once now, like, if you fuck me oven in any way I am DONE with you. People are sorta freaking out a bit, several of them have even got together trying to fuck with my life by giving a former stalker my phone number, but all that does is confirms my decisions, and show further the monsters they are.

You are SOOOOOOO a head of the game Madds!!! I'm *52* and still am (or was I should say until really recently) struggling to rid my life of the many, many narcissists I've collected along the way. Besides because so just crazy fucking proud of you, I look to you honestly as well as a fellow traveller in this word of many, many malignant narcissists (where it once was a fairly rare illness my psych nurse said it's as high as one-third of the entire pop. in N. America at least have it, full spectrum! They are fucking EVERYWHERE, and it isn't a matter of just being able to spot them as I learned by having an entire library and seeing all the red flags but still being willfully blind, it's finding that self-love to see them and not reject the red-flags because I now know I kick ass, I'm AWESOME, lololol, and I can say that without feeling egotistical and bad, we're ALL awesome and worthy of love (except the exploiters of course). 

You are doing SO good, and you are SOOO worthy of love. You rock Madds, and I'm so happy that you are realizing that same thing the woman said, that relationships, yes, they are work, but they shouldn't be THAT much fuckin' work, right? Right!!! You keep being yourself and you are going to have a super happy life. You are my role-model!!