madsline - Hello Poetry

My brain has been torn apart Crumpled together And smeared across the billboards of my timeline My heart shredded and trampled on My body has seen torments and tortures That parents fear and Don’t understand the possibility. I was told it was my fault. Every action had its cause. Every act of terror had its reason. Me. But it was never my fault. I wasn’t the reason I hated this thigh, Or this skin Or these bones. Or this brain This way of thinking. Nothing was ever wrong with me.

0

Oct 20, 2024

Oct 20, 2024 at 4:14 AM UTC

It’s not your fault

My brain has been torn apart Crumpled together And smeared across the billboards of my timeline My heart shredded and trampled on My body has seen torments and tortures That parents fear and Don’t understand the possibility. I was told it was my fault. Every action had its cause. Every act of terror had its reason. Me. But it was never my fault. I wasn’t the reason I hated this thigh, Or this skin Or these bones. Or this brain This way of thinking. Nothing was ever wrong with me.

18

I’ve lost track Because that’s what happens When the frequency of an event Is high. None were the same, But all had the same ill intent. Something along the lines of This body is mine to use You owe me this I’ll get what I want. The flashbacks come like waves, Changing intensity with the moon. Much of my life has held the essence of the moon. I’d sit asking for guidance, Relief, happiness, help. It took some time, My prayers had a way to travel. Now I sit warmly with the moon, Discussing how This is my body to use I owe myself this I’ll get what I want. And through gaining my power back, The waves calm, And I thank the moon.

0

Sep 4, 2024

Sep 4, 2024 at 8:39 AM UTC

Is it a blessing or a curse I didn’t keep count?

I’ve lost track Because that’s what happens When the frequency of an event Is high. None were the same, But all had the same ill intent. Something along the lines of This body is mine to use You owe me this I’ll get what I want. The flashbacks come like waves, Changing intensity with the moon. Much of my life has held the essence of the moon. I’d sit asking for guidance, Relief, happiness, help. It took some time, My prayers had a way to travel. Now I sit warmly with the moon, Discussing how This is my body to use I owe myself this I’ll get what I want. And through gaining my power back, The waves calm, And I thank the moon.

25

Love doesn’t rely only on the sentence Love in my childhood home was said A lot And the kids meant it. She was the only love we had Or knew or wanted. Her love was diluted, Spent across many things. Herself mostly, Her wants, ideas, hobbies, Her luxuries that we could enjoy… Sometimes. Maybe selfish or naive We thought it was her devotion to us. But we only watched Nickelodeon To satiate her longing to watch tv rather than work, Or raise us. Or love us. I learnt young that love isn’t just The sentence. But mourning a mother daughter relationship Is a lifelong sentence.

0

Aug 2, 2024

Aug 2, 2024 at 8:18 AM UTC

Mothers love

Love doesn’t rely only on the sentence Love in my childhood home was said A lot And the kids meant it. She was the only love we had Or knew or wanted. Her love was diluted, Spent across many things. Herself mostly, Her wants, ideas, hobbies, Her luxuries that we could enjoy… Sometimes. Maybe selfish or naive We thought it was her devotion to us. But we only watched Nickelodeon To satiate her longing to watch tv rather than work, Or raise us. Or love us. I learnt young that love isn’t just The sentence. But mourning a mother daughter relationship Is a lifelong sentence.

22

Sometimes I can’t imagine normal adult things happening to me Like buying a house, a new car Being a bride in a wedding. Getting a “big girl career” beyond retail. Wanting kids. Because I haven’t had normal things happen to me. I was robbed of many things, A childhood, Development. Love. And a lot of the time I forget I’m 26, Wearing a made up, misplaced childhood, Still locked into teen age. It’s not a resurrection of the dead. It’s a reimagined gift to myself. I am my own body guard, protector, nurturer. I am allowed a childhood. And I am allowed to have adult things happen to me. I’m 26.

0

Sep 21, 2023

Sep 21, 2023 at 8:37 AM UTC

Duality

Sometimes I can’t imagine normal adult things happening to me Like buying a house, a new car Being a bride in a wedding. Getting a “big girl career” beyond retail. Wanting kids. Because I haven’t had normal things happen to me. I was robbed of many things, A childhood, Development. Love. And a lot of the time I forget I’m 26, Wearing a made up, misplaced childhood, Still locked into teen age. It’s not a resurrection of the dead. It’s a reimagined gift to myself. I am my own body guard, protector, nurturer. I am allowed a childhood. And I am allowed to have adult things happen to me. I’m 26.

19

I’m sorry that I don’t want kids I’m still a kid myself. July 2022 was my birth. Age 25 and flung into blinding light. Ripped from the suffocating womb that I had been shoved into And incubated. Squished, pushed, moulded, Deprived of nutrients From my mother, From him, And also him, And my dad, And the list of contributors is extensive. I’m sorry I can’t commit to giving you the grandchild/ren That you so desperately want. But I’ve only just been born, Yet I’ve already done my time. I have two sisters. Two kids. Two souls I’ve grown, nurtured, sheltered, loved, taught. But didn’t birth. I’ve already been a parent. And I’m sorry it’s not in the correct way. I didn’t choose it.

0

Jul 7, 2023

Jul 7, 2023 at 8:24 AM UTC

I don’t want kids.

I’m sorry that I don’t want kids I’m still a kid myself. July 2022 was my birth. Age 25 and flung into blinding light. Ripped from the suffocating womb that I had been shoved into And incubated. Squished, pushed, moulded, Deprived of nutrients From my mother, From him, And also him, And my dad, And the list of contributors is extensive. I’m sorry I can’t commit to giving you the grandchild/ren That you so desperately want. But I’ve only just been born, Yet I’ve already done my time. I have two sisters. Two kids. Two souls I’ve grown, nurtured, sheltered, loved, taught. But didn’t birth. I’ve already been a parent. And I’m sorry it’s not in the correct way. I didn’t choose it.

24

Today has a weird air about it, It’s sunny and bright and still But it feels like mourning. Is this preemptive? Premonition? Or a soft surrender to all my trauma. A delicate laying down of flowers, Soft cloths, A blanket of tears For versions of me that never survived Or who were taken by the darknesses.

0

Mar 7, 2023

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:59 AM UTC

Stale

Today has a weird air about it, It’s sunny and bright and still But it feels like mourning. Is this preemptive? Premonition? Or a soft surrender to all my trauma. A delicate laying down of flowers, Soft cloths, A blanket of tears For versions of me that never survived Or who were taken by the darknesses.

11

The seascape in my mind Just became dark Filling with morbid clouds And fiercely black swell. All of a sudden it switched And the tv static that only my ear drums can conjure Became forceful and loud. In an instant, Conversations I never imagined, Spoke loud and vividly. “I can’t leave my bed today, Im dreaming of killing myself” Why? I feel intoxicated, And nauseous. I feel unsafe, And I can see myself Dipping under the waves. Why? Send the coast guard, I can feel my lungs draining.

0

Sep 4, 2022

Sep 4, 2022 at 11:18 PM UTC

It’s beginning again...

The seascape in my mind Just became dark Filling with morbid clouds And fiercely black swell. All of a sudden it switched And the tv static that only my ear drums can conjure Became forceful and loud. In an instant, Conversations I never imagined, Spoke loud and vividly. “I can’t leave my bed today, Im dreaming of killing myself” Why? I feel intoxicated, And nauseous. I feel unsafe, And I can see myself Dipping under the waves. Why? Send the coast guard, I can feel my lungs draining.

21

I think we were buried, Tied up and yearning before we spoke. A cosmic connection strung out Over thousands of years, Millions of experiences. Just waiting for the tension to give in For the spell of gravity to take hold And pull us back into each other’s arms. Or maybe it is much less. Maybe it is just chance, Change, The right time. Maybe it just is.

0

Aug 22, 2022

Aug 22, 2022 at 2:36 AM UTC

It is

I think we were buried, Tied up and yearning before we spoke. A cosmic connection strung out Over thousands of years, Millions of experiences. Just waiting for the tension to give in For the spell of gravity to take hold And pull us back into each other’s arms. Or maybe it is much less. Maybe it is just chance, Change, The right time. Maybe it just is.

13

It’s the memories of your fingers dancing across my skin at all the places you’d touch me so carefully. Maybe you’re aware I’m already broken, Gentle to avoid further damage, Or maybe your first language is softness, delicate understandings of how to move with my body.

0

Aug 16, 2022

Aug 16, 2022 at 8:39 AM UTC

New hope

It’s the memories of your fingers dancing across my skin at all the places you’d touch me so carefully. Maybe you’re aware I’m already broken, Gentle to avoid further damage, Or maybe your first language is softness, delicate understandings of how to move with my body.

4

It’s a dark night. And I sit here, Cigarette choking me. But I realise I have learnt so much. One thing I realised, Through the tortured delusions, Is that I am strong. You taught me strength. To crawl through the mud, Dust my bones from the ashes, They didn’t dissolve in the flames set alight by you. You taught me, I can unbury my head, Push out the heavy smoke And breathe. Especially when the lights are gone And nothing seems tangible. You taught me to grab a hold, And pull myself out.

0

Jul 23, 2022

Jul 23, 2022 at 6:33 AM UTC

Lessons learned

It’s a dark night. And I sit here, Cigarette choking me. But I realise I have learnt so much. One thing I realised, Through the tortured delusions, Is that I am strong. You taught me strength. To crawl through the mud, Dust my bones from the ashes, They didn’t dissolve in the flames set alight by you. You taught me, I can unbury my head, Push out the heavy smoke And breathe. Especially when the lights are gone And nothing seems tangible. You taught me to grab a hold, And pull myself out.

19