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nomkhumbulwaPoems
I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath Hospital...it suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal.  Im forever, and ever...grateful *** "While I wait…" Today I was thinking, I had so much time, Waiting for hours and hours, Patiently in line Apprehensive, nervous, Yet somewhat assured, I let my mind wander, Back and back it was lured Im out of my body, Now an empty shell, Going back to the past, Going back to …hell It feels dangerous, Thinking back, I feel so vulnerable, It hurts to look back But here I am, Waiting in line, A different person, To look back, it is time But who was I? What was going on? The fear, the shame, I had almost no one Its darkness and pain, Unbearable pain, Not trusting anyone, Even myself, never again I was something else, Torture, torture, torture, Hating myself, Was I a murderer? The panic, the fear, Not knowing myself, Not knowing inside, Wanting to **** myself All of this now Seems so much worse, As im getting better, Im learning to trust The pain in my stomach, Thinking back to that time, Stuck in my house, Completely out of my mind Time had stopped, But I still had to live, Existing was painful, It was a nightmare to live I don’t recognise myself, Don't know who I was, But the feelings are still with me, More traumatic than all else My blades were my friends, Taking the pain each day, Numbing my mind, Allowing it to “go away” Cut cut cut, Every day, I look at my scars now, I’ve had to explain Back there I was me, But I was totally lost, Like living a virtual reality, So totally totally lost An empty shell, Yet shaky and trembling, Wanting to die, For being a burden Suddenly Im lost for words, Just feeling feelings, Its too much for words There was nothing left of me, Now that I know, And knowing causes me pain, How could I have got so low? I can’t stop the tears, The confusion, the fog, Was so intense, Not knowing who I was The daymares, The nightmares, People grabbing me, People hurting me I look at my arm, I look at my legs, Nowhere is my body spared, Apart from my face I felt ***** Ashamed, A burden, On Society I disgusted myself, Yet not knowing why, Even for calling the helpline, I felt I should die Its much like a fog, Feeling my way through, Occasionally bumping into things, My mind says “thats you” I was so very sick, I only know now, Just thinking how sick I was Makes me physically ill now It wasn’t me, Id gone somewhere, The pain too much, And the shame, to bear I break down now When I describe these times, I was in contact with people, Begging them to take my life It still comes back now, Triggers, so im told, I beat myself up, Hit my head on the wall It can be overwhelming When it comes back, Whether its the **** Or just the cruelty I faced People were cruel, So so cruel, They hurt me so deeply, That I thought I was cruel I think back to times I was abused by police, I was abused by doctors, In fact, all authorities They just hurt me more, They put me through hell, The pain they caused me, Left a story to tell They were cold, suspicious, Filling me with shame, Making me believe, That I was to blame They traumatised me more, More than ever before, Or perhaps I should say torture, I felt ashamed to my core So much I could write, But im struggling for words, They hurt me, they did this, Now I realise their curse I cannot forgive them, I cannot go back, Here life's a struggle, But my trust is coming back I feel sad for time wasted, Knowing Pamela would help me, It pains me now to think How I just could not let her help me She believed in me, Was ready to listen, She understood, Even spoke to the policeman But I always feared Asking for help, For I was a burden, Perhaps id feel worse getting help They put this in my mind, ….a burden on society, Dealing with the **** was one thing, But this was a different story Pamela tried so hard, She took me to get help, But it never materialised, Instead, I totally lost hope The days were long, The nights were longer, The man in my house, Or is it my mother? I didn’t want to exist, I blocked out my life, Then remembered what I didn’t want to, My brain attacking me like a knife There was no hope, People are so cruel, Do they enjoy it? Watching people become ill? I didn’t know how sick I was Until I started getting better, Im in a better place now, But with a past full of horror Its been a long time, I think it had to be, For me to find myself, And to feel free Now is the time, Looking back on my life, There were people, a helpline, That physically saved my life Although I was confused, Not allowing myself to believe, They told me again and again, The one thing they did was believe A have so much respect, A deep connection too, To these selfless women, Who give up their time, for you There wasn’t much you could do, But you did everything and more, You never gave up on me, As I sat glued to the floor Im healing slowly, Reclaiming my life, But I want to thank you ladies, You did save my life I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .
0
Mar 10, 2022
Mar 10, 2022 at 2:44 PM UTC
While I wait.......
I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath Hospital...it suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal.  Im forever, and ever...grateful *** "While I wait…" Today I was thinking, I had so much time, Waiting for hours and hours, Patiently in line Apprehensive, nervous, Yet somewhat assured, I let my mind wander, Back and back it was lured Im out of my body, Now an empty shell, Going back to the past, Going back to …hell It feels dangerous, Thinking back, I feel so vulnerable, It hurts to look back But here I am, Waiting in line, A different person, To look back, it is time But who was I? What was going on? The fear, the shame, I had almost no one Its darkness and pain, Unbearable pain, Not trusting anyone, Even myself, never again I was something else, Torture, torture, torture, Hating myself, Was I a murderer? The panic, the fear, Not knowing myself, Not knowing inside, Wanting to **** myself All of this now Seems so much worse, As im getting better, Im learning to trust The pain in my stomach, Thinking back to that time, Stuck in my house, Completely out of my mind Time had stopped, But I still had to live, Existing was painful, It was a nightmare to live I don’t recognise myself, Don't know who I was, But the feelings are still with me, More traumatic than all else My blades were my friends, Taking the pain each day, Numbing my mind, Allowing it to “go away” Cut cut cut, Every day, I look at my scars now, I’ve had to explain Back there I was me, But I was totally lost, Like living a virtual reality, So totally totally lost An empty shell, Yet shaky and trembling, Wanting to die, For being a burden Suddenly Im lost for words, Just feeling feelings, Its too much for words There was nothing left of me, Now that I know, And knowing causes me pain, How could I have got so low? I can’t stop the tears, The confusion, the fog, Was so intense, Not knowing who I was The daymares, The nightmares, People grabbing me, People hurting me I look at my arm, I look at my legs, Nowhere is my body spared, Apart from my face I felt ***** Ashamed, A burden, On Society I disgusted myself, Yet not knowing why, Even for calling the helpline, I felt I should die Its much like a fog, Feeling my way through, Occasionally bumping into things, My mind says “thats you” I was so very sick, I only know now, Just thinking how sick I was Makes me physically ill now It wasn’t me, Id gone somewhere, The pain too much, And the shame, to bear I break down now When I describe these times, I was in contact with people, Begging them to take my life It still comes back now, Triggers, so im told, I beat myself up, Hit my head on the wall It can be overwhelming When it comes back, Whether its the **** Or just the cruelty I faced People were cruel, So so cruel, They hurt me so deeply, That I thought I was cruel I think back to times I was abused by police, I was abused by doctors, In fact, all authorities They just hurt me more, They put me through hell, The pain they caused me, Left a story to tell They were cold, suspicious, Filling me with shame, Making me believe, That I was to blame They traumatised me more, More than ever before, Or perhaps I should say torture, I felt ashamed to my core So much I could write, But im struggling for words, They hurt me, they did this, Now I realise their curse I cannot forgive them, I cannot go back, Here life's a struggle, But my trust is coming back I feel sad for time wasted, Knowing Pamela would help me, It pains me now to think How I just could not let her help me She believed in me, Was ready to listen, She understood, Even spoke to the policeman But I always feared Asking for help, For I was a burden, Perhaps id feel worse getting help They put this in my mind, ….a burden on society, Dealing with the **** was one thing, But this was a different story Pamela tried so hard, She took me to get help, But it never materialised, Instead, I totally lost hope The days were long, The nights were longer, The man in my house, Or is it my mother? I didn’t want to exist, I blocked out my life, Then remembered what I didn’t want to, My brain attacking me like a knife There was no hope, People are so cruel, Do they enjoy it? Watching people become ill? I didn’t know how sick I was Until I started getting better, Im in a better place now, But with a past full of horror Its been a long time, I think it had to be, For me to find myself, And to feel free Now is the time, Looking back on my life, There were people, a helpline, That physically saved my life Although I was confused, Not allowing myself to believe, They told me again and again, The one thing they did was believe A have so much respect, A deep connection too, To these selfless women, Who give up their time, for you There wasn’t much you could do, But you did everything and more, You never gave up on me, As I sat glued to the floor Im healing slowly, Reclaiming my life, But I want to thank you ladies, You did save my life I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .
Im new
#pain#hurt#abuse#lost#recovery
Written by
nomkhumbulwa
38/F
Mar 10, 2022
Mar 10, 2022 at 2:44 PM UTC
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