How it feels
To be judged
As someone else
Because of someone else
How it feels
To fear a doctor
But need a doctor
How it feels
To not be seen
Or be seen a fraud
How it feels
To live in fear
Of those in power
How it feels
To take medication
To be able to function
How it feels
To feel like a criminal,
Abuser, addict...criminal
How it feels
To ask for medicine
Always treated with suspicion
How it feels
To have no choice
If to have a life
How it feels
To fight through life
One battle after the next
How it feels
Not to trust
From childhood, a must
How it feels
Under suspicion
For taking medication
How it feels
To be on diazepam
Because, it was given
How it feels
To be unstable
Thrown into prison,
To have the worst label
How it feels
To give your all
Only for others to let you fall
How it feels
To be failed
From the start
By Doctor Hart
How it feels
To try to trust,
In authorities,
To help me
How it feels
How hard that is,
And why it's rare
That I trusted your care
How it feels
To have to explain
My pain
Over and over again
How it feels
One moment respected,
The next considered addicted
How it feels
To be forced
With zero words
To spiral, downwards
How it feels
How long it took
For me to trust you
To believe in you
How it feels
To be able to trust,
Because clearly you don't,
Yet, for your job it's a must...
How it feels,
The deep pain,
You've inflicted in me,
Again and again
How it feels,
The edge I reach
Your careless actions
Making me weak
How it feels
How much we care,
About conversation,
Or trust is not there
How it feels,
How deep you hurt me,
May be small to you,
But you repeated my history
And that is why
I have no trust left
I was so close to the edge,
Sometimes,.....its safer to be dead.
I must protect myself.....respect is earned.
Mar 27
Mar 27, 2026 at 2:26 PM UTC
These words I wrote years ago,
etched from pain, from memory,
from streets that whispered
stories I had yet to live fully.
I come from St Helena,
but Soweto adopted me,
through grief, through pain,
through streets that whisper stories
of loss and survival.
A land of split light,
where grief sleeps in the dust,
and laughter rises above hunger,
where violence and kindness sit side by side,
like strangers sharing a taxi ride.
I was dragged by my hair once,
after dark, after work,
by a desperate hand driven
by nyaope,
a cruel mixture that breeds hunger and fear.
I never hated him—
how can you hate survival?
Yet it was the children who held my heart—
orphans with bright eyes,
growing vegetables, painting, dancing,
playing Nkosi Sikelel’ iAfrika
on the heavy piano I dragged across oceans,
because they deserved music
as much as anyone.
They called me mama,
though I had no children of my own.
They clung to me when I left,
their tears soaking my clothes—
and mine soaking theirs.
I still hear Mbalienhle whispering,
“hamba kahle, mama,”
as if a blessing could follow me across the world.
The streets were dark and uneven,
fires burned in corners to keep warm,
and shadows moved where I could not see.
I offered to walk one child home,
but she refused, tiny and fearless,
and said instead,
“No, mama Emma… I will walk you to safety.”
Soweto is full of hardship—
blood on the streets,
gunshots at night,
clinics crowded for hours,
where people queue patiently,
handing in guns at the door
as casually as signing their names.
Ubuntu lived in tea, in ice, in care,
in arms that carried me
when whisky made my legs forget their duty.
On a Thursday night,
they dressed me in Zulu beads
and renamed me Nomkhumbulwa—
the one who remembers.
I belonged to them, and they to me.
I witnessed despair,
and I witnessed defiance—
children who refused to succumb
to gangs, to drugs, to fear,
learning, creating, surviving
with hearts larger than the city itself.
Though my life has changed for the better now,
and healing has begun to take root,
the truth remains:
in a place the world calls broken,
I found everything whole.
I found family.
I found love.
I found myself.
And somewhere in the wind, I still hear Neil’s voice,
soft as umoya, whispering I was meant to rise.
And now I return,
to Soweto, to laughter and warmth,
to children, to fires,
to my happy place once more,
where the streets still whisper,
but my heart knows the rhythm of home.
For Neil — who first walked Soweto with me.
Nov 17, 2025
Nov 17, 2025 at 6:11 AM UTC
Twenty years ive known you,
Shocking as this sounds,
Back then I was a different person
My identity not yet found
I remember it well,
Meeting you online,
Intruiged by another culture
You were the mysterious one online!
I was obsessed with Geography
Knew every flag of the world
Spent hours staring at maps
I would never get bored
I knew I never belonged
In the land I was living then
So the atlas was an escape
From the confusion since I was ten
You spoke a different language
From the mysterious side of the world
I was fascinated by and drawn to
This different side of the world
It was an honour to meet you
I felt I was so lucky!
I now had a Russian friend
Although his English hard to comprehend
This made it just more interesting,
It showed language didnt matter
We were still able to communicate,
Even by postal letters!
I was young, insecure,
Brainwashed too at that time,
So this escape was a relief
The mysterious person online!
You temporarily rescued me
From the weirdness of my home
I dont have many fond memories
But meeting you was one
I bought a book because of you,
Called "learn Russian in 3 months"
I was drawn to the Cyrillic alphabet,
But only now 20 years on can I use it!
Russian in 3 months was hilarious,
It was never going to work
Three years yes maybe,
Thats what the title should be!
But such was your desire for English
Your skills overtook mine,
Now im surrounded by Russians,
....I wish Id learned more at the time!
By the time you came to visit
Id escaped to Scotland,
I was somehow free,
Although not yet entirely
The brain is great at deleting
Large parts of my life
But you kept all the postcards and letters
I was so surprised!
These things are like treasure,
Reminders of lost time,
Its good to regain the happy parts
And leave the rest behind
The phone call still makes me laugh
It took you so long to say each word
Even my cruel mother gave up
Trying to wait for the words
I remember the day so well
She called me to the phone
Told me theres a message
Then she left me alone!
Weird behaviour for my mother
The perplexity on her face
As she listens to the message
From a mysterious place
Now twenty years on
You've rescued me again
I got myself in a pickle
And you came up with a plan
Most people didnt care
Those I chose to tell
Except an angel, Patricia,
Her Nigerian name too long to spell
She didnt even know me
I met her through a friend
A friend from Burundi,
Now living in Scotland
In my hopeless depressing reality
Sat in a place called Gillingham,
I spoke to you most evenings
You again allowed me to escape
I looked forward to reading your writing,
Learning more about your life,
Now with your improved English
I wanted to read it all night
You knew I was desperate to leave,
And you suggested Armenia,
A country I had heard of
But shamefully only little
Meeting you in Armenia
Was the best decision by far
The best decision I had made,
Since being torn from Africa
I knew very little about it,
And yet I was ready to go!
It just shows how desperate I was
To escape from where I never planned to go
I have to say, you saved me,
If only from myself
And of course from the NHS
Who probably would have killed me
They say things happen for a reason
The universe makes a plan,
So I guess if I wasnt deported,
I might not have seen you again
You have changed my life for the better,
Although you say you dont do charity,
You even left me with your bank card,
As well as a way to make money
You may not see yourself as kind,
But that is all I see,
And I have always loved you
Ever since I was twenty :)
Oct 3, 2023
Oct 3, 2023 at 11:32 AM UTC
Home is calling
I hear it's voice
It's arms wide open
An African embrace
I smell the grass
Feel the soil on my feet
My focus on home
Runs so so deep
The warmth, the freedom
The people, the trees,
Africa is calling
Like a song in the breeze
My roots are grounded
So firmly planted
A long time before
Colonialism started
I see jacarandas
I hear hyenas
Joyful singing
Dancing till morning
The wide smiles
Cheerful eyes
Ubuntu is everything
Under these skies
The sun is glowing
On a wide African sky
Insects chirping
As the sun says goodbye
From all over Africa
Came my people
To my tiny land
Of my heritage
I'm there in spirit
I dream every night
Ask ancestors to guide me
Back home when the time is right
To sit with the baobab
To feel the connection
Something so deep
In my soul, a protection
To go back in time
At mighty Magelies
Sit in silence
In the area of our birthplace
The cradle of humankind
Is not just a name
It's real, still there
A place from where we all came
As old as the hills
An English saying
Well here you can feel it
These hills have seen everything
The warmth
The safety
The love
The humility
And my motherland
Isolated, alone,
A jewel in the ocean
Where few of us call home
I feel the longing
To be back
With my brothers and sisters
My soul is black
Nothing fills the void
Of our heritage calling
Africa, St Helena,
Calling and calling
Africa is ours
St Helena is mine
Those not visited
Won't understand
My roots are firm......
Nomkhumbhulwa 🍀
Aug 31, 2023
Aug 31, 2023 at 11:29 AM UTC
I don't know where to start,
As I write this from the heart.
And since the day you left us,
We are bleeding from the heart.
We only met so recently ,
Four years ago in fact.
You came to visit on Christmas Eve,
Danced in the yard with Tsietsi
I still don't know what happened,
We still think of you every day
I could not attend your funeral
I wanted you here to stay
Bandile I'm sorry,
Is all I can say,
I can't write without crying,
Pain doesn't go away
Such a huge person,
With such a huge heart,
With such a huge smile,
And a voice that is still heard
So full of life,
You filled us with life too,
Your happiness, optimism,
Philosophical you
But Bandile I remember
So terribly terribly well
The night of that phone call
And how the world just fell
How could this be true?
We saw you last weekend
You talked to me about dying,
But it wasn't part of the plan!
After patching you up last year
With a hole in your head that day
I always worried,
But not you; life's too short you say
And then you left us
Nobody knew what to do,
A dark cloud over Soweto
A community heartbroken, it's true
People carried on,
As funerals require,
Maybe you gave them strength,
But I've never seen people so tired
The unanswered questions,
Keeping our wounds open,
Unable to accept or believe,
Easier to pretend.
For me that's what happened
I pretended it wasn't true
It was so impossible.
Anyone, but not you.
You are full of life to me
Calling me "Emmerentia"
And I think you always will be
A beautiful image forever
I have so much to tell you,
But your philosophy sticks with me
I try to use it to help me
I see how it set you free
You went before your time
Never came to eastern cape
We had so many plans,
Then in seconds they evaporate
I think we all feel the same
And we probably always will
We wanted to speak to you one last time
To hear your cheerful voice
Bandile you are such a good friend,
A brother, a father too,
The kind gentle giant
Is how we remember you
It still seems unreal
At least for me it does
But I didn't want to say goodbye
Where would we put all the tears?
Stoicism kept you strong
The one comfort we may take
Knowing you'd say "that's enough"
"No more crying", "let's just dance"
I cannot finish this poem
Because there's too much to say
You live on with all of us
And forever you will stay
Bandile we all love you
Orlando West, Rockville,
Rosebank as well as Soweto
Will never be the same without you
With love always from the bottom of my heart, I write looking at mount Ararat. Finding the peace I needed to start.
For you Bandile.
Or as iPhone called you " ban dyl zondo!"
You're so right....life is short.
💔🙏😥🥀⛰️🏔️🌠🕯️🕯️🕯️
May 22, 2023
May 22, 2023 at 1:37 PM UTC
ESKOM
Where do I start?
Writing this by candle light;
Yet today we are lucky,
Load shedding came early
The system is done,
Its broken, corrupt,
Time after time,
Excuses one after the next
Us we are lucky,
In some ways anyhow;
For we have a few means
To keep warm for now
Others are not,
In fact most are not,
They suffer, they die,
But ESKOM - care they do not
Yes it was once ok,
to be totally without,
But once electricity is introduced,
Its difficult to go without
Those who have the means
Have done what they can,
Generators, gas, solar,
Options are endless, but only if you can
To most the expense is impossible,
Of course we want solar,
We want clean energy,
Just like we collect rain water
Its nothing new,
Its now been decades,
Leaving people to suffer,
ESKOM one problem after another
Winter after winter
Just when its needed most,
ESKOM takes it away,
Light, warmth, taken away
People light fires with paraffin,
Then bring them indoors,
Just to keep warm,
In the morning they dont wake up at all
Where is investment in alternatives?
For ESKOM cannot go on,
As one of my cousins said -
The grid is often more off than on
I cannot complain,
Not for myself anyway;
I choose to live here
I'll do things my own way
But I do see suffering
Knowing a long winter is ahead,
With an overburdened health system,
Knowing every winter leaves people dead
How much longer will it take?
For ESKOM to finally close,
To open doors for others,
Its time to get rid of the coal
In a Country basking in sunshine
nearly every day of the year,
The lack of solar power is saddening,
And shameful, but ESKOM doesnt care
Yes we have fire,
But we also have rain,
Those two dont mix,
Cannot cook on fire in the rain
The saddest things is this,
That ESKOM just dont care;
Lives dont matter to ESKOM,
Anyway - they have their share
The few that can make do,
They can afford to.
So everyone else is forgotten,
Nearly 80 percent of the population
Its cold, its wet,
We cannot light fire,
If we do its outside,
Buildings no longer designed for fire
How much longer ESKOM?
Will you allow people to suffer?
Will you eat all the money?
Will you do this to South Africa??
We all hope for a brighter future; quite literally...."brighter" .. :)
Nomkhumbulwa **
May 21, 2022
May 21, 2022 at 12:13 PM UTC
I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath Hospital...it suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal. Im forever, and ever...grateful ***
"While I wait…"
Today I was thinking,
I had so much time,
Waiting for hours and hours,
Patiently in line
Apprehensive, nervous,
Yet somewhat assured,
I let my mind wander,
Back and back it was lured
Im out of my body,
Now an empty shell,
Going back to the past,
Going back to …hell
It feels dangerous,
Thinking back,
I feel so vulnerable,
It hurts to look back
But here I am,
Waiting in line,
A different person,
To look back, it is time
But who was I?
What was going on?
The fear, the shame,
I had almost no one
Its darkness and pain,
Unbearable pain,
Not trusting anyone,
Even myself, never again
I was something else,
Torture, torture, torture,
Hating myself,
Was I a murderer?
The panic, the fear,
Not knowing myself,
Not knowing inside,
Wanting to **** myself
All of this now
Seems so much worse,
As im getting better,
Im learning to trust
The pain in my stomach,
Thinking back to that time,
Stuck in my house,
Completely out of my mind
Time had stopped,
But I still had to live,
Existing was painful,
It was a nightmare to live
I don’t recognise myself,
Don't know who I was,
But the feelings are still with me,
More traumatic than all else
My blades were my friends,
Taking the pain each day,
Numbing my mind,
Allowing it to “go away”
Cut cut cut,
Every day,
I look at my scars now,
I’ve had to explain
Back there I was me,
But I was totally lost,
Like living a virtual reality,
So totally totally lost
An empty shell,
Yet shaky and trembling,
Wanting to die,
For being a burden
Suddenly
Im lost for words,
Just feeling feelings,
Its too much for words
There was nothing left of me,
Now that I know,
And knowing causes me pain,
How could I have got so low?
I can’t stop the tears,
The confusion, the fog,
Was so intense,
Not knowing who I was
The daymares,
The nightmares,
People grabbing me,
People hurting me
I look at my arm,
I look at my legs,
Nowhere is my body spared,
Apart from my face
I felt *****
Ashamed,
A burden,
On Society
I disgusted myself,
Yet not knowing why,
Even for calling the helpline,
I felt I should die
Its much like a fog,
Feeling my way through,
Occasionally bumping into things,
My mind says “thats you”
I was so very sick,
I only know now,
Just thinking how sick I was
Makes me physically ill now
It wasn’t me,
Id gone somewhere,
The pain too much,
And the shame, to bear
I break down now
When I describe these times,
I was in contact with people,
Begging them to take my life
It still comes back now,
Triggers, so im told,
I beat myself up,
Hit my head on the wall
It can be overwhelming
When it comes back,
Whether its the ****
Or just the cruelty I faced
People were cruel,
So so cruel,
They hurt me so deeply,
That I thought I was cruel
I think back to times
I was abused by police,
I was abused by doctors,
In fact, all authorities
They just hurt me more,
They put me through hell,
The pain they caused me,
Left a story to tell
They were cold, suspicious,
Filling me with shame,
Making me believe,
That I was to blame
They traumatised me more,
More than ever before,
Or perhaps I should say torture,
I felt ashamed to my core
So much I could write,
But im struggling for words,
They hurt me, they did this,
Now I realise their curse
I cannot forgive them,
I cannot go back,
Here life's a struggle,
But my trust is coming back
I feel sad for time wasted,
Knowing Pamela would help me,
It pains me now to think
How I just could not let her help me
She believed in me,
Was ready to listen,
She understood,
Even spoke to the policeman
But I always feared
Asking for help,
For I was a burden,
Perhaps id feel worse getting help
They put this in my mind,
….a burden on society,
Dealing with the **** was one thing,
But this was a different story
Pamela tried so hard,
She took me to get help,
But it never materialised,
Instead, I totally lost hope
The days were long,
The nights were longer,
The man in my house,
Or is it my mother?
I didn’t want to exist,
I blocked out my life,
Then remembered what I didn’t want to,
My brain attacking me like a knife
There was no hope,
People are so cruel,
Do they enjoy it?
Watching people become ill?
I didn’t know how sick I was
Until I started getting better,
Im in a better place now,
But with a past full of horror
Its been a long time,
I think it had to be,
For me to find myself,
And to feel free
Now is the time,
Looking back on my life,
There were people, a helpline,
That physically saved my life
Although I was confused,
Not allowing myself to believe,
They told me again and again,
The one thing they did was believe
A have so much respect,
A deep connection too,
To these selfless women,
Who give up their time, for you
There wasn’t much you could do,
But you did everything and more,
You never gave up on me,
As I sat glued to the floor
Im healing slowly,
Reclaiming my life,
But I want to thank you ladies,
You did save my life
I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .
Mar 10, 2022
Mar 10, 2022 at 2:44 PM UTC
I am me…
I have every right to be
To be me; I am me.
We’re all unique,
Different looks, styles, personalities
I have a right to be me,
As you have a right to be you
I may have opinions,
And that right you have too
It’s taken time to realise
That it’s ok to be me,
For so long I thought
That there was something wrong with me
I didn’t meet expectations
But these can never be met,
For we all have our own path
We cannot be something we’re not
I’ve stopped trying now
To be somebody else
Whoever they wanted me to be
I cannot, for I am myself
And it is ok to be
To just be yourself
Cause no intentional harm
To anyone, even yourself
If you don’t approve
I cannot help you
I will no longer try
To be something I’m not, for you
My life is for me
And those part of it
I’m not a slave to anyone
Even if you’re my family
It doesn’t give you the right
To abuse, shame and disgrace
Just because we share blood
We all belong to the human race
You are you
And that’s ok too
Just be yourself, but
Don’t force others to be you
You have your life
And I have mine
If you don’t like it
Then perhaps it’s a sign
A sign that distance
And disconnection is necessary
I’ll never be good enough
Do you not yet see?
You have expectations
I cannot live up to
And I will no longer try
For I have a life too
I know who I am,
Though not who you want me to be
But that would never work
For I am a “human “ you see
I’m not here for you
I don’t belong to you
I’m no slave, no lower species
I’m here for those who need me
I feel loved
I feel despised
And though I’ll never know why
The problem is no longer mine
You do not own me
I’m not living for you
I was born as myself
Not born an extension of you
I use my own mind
Feel my own emotions
At last I am free
Free from the web of confusion
I have set backs
I have flash backs
Feel the pain
Just the same
But I’m stronger
I’m getting stronger
Every day
I’m working hard
To know me
Just me
No one else,
Just me
You have taught me so much
And I’m grateful for that
Even through all the pain
I Can now help others who are trapped
You taught me exactly
How not to treat people
Taught me the effects
Of torturing people
I see through you now
And it does make me sad
But you see - I know me
I’m becoming, slowly, free
I Am me,
So please……let me be.
Me.
Nomkhumbulwa……
Dec 16, 2021
Dec 16, 2021 at 2:48 PM UTC
Today you were taken….
Today you were taken
Your life abruptly ended
All of a sudden
Cruelty bared naked
The sadness is deep
A sorrow so painful
We miss you so much Timmy
The shock still palpable
How can this be?
Such a beautiful young soul
So quickly taken
Your body in a hole
You didn’t want rest
You didn’t want peace
You were so full of life
You wanted to hunt, and eat cheese
It was not your time
Such as evil intervenes
Barely two years old
Natural causes take time
I am so sorry Timmy
That this had to happen
No words can express
The deep pain left within
May your spirit continue to bless and watch over us, you are forever welcome.
We hold you so dear,
Your loving friends- both here and afar. For you are so loved.
💔🕊💔
🐈
Aug 22, 2021
Aug 22, 2021 at 5:00 PM UTC
Written for “uncle “ and his family
I’m not part of the family
Not connected by blood
I know I’m an outsider
Might not behave as I should
I’m not in a position
To say much here
It’s not my place to take over
I’m privileged to be here
But I just wish to say
That I do share your sorrow
Even given the short time I’ve been here
I really do feel your sorrow
I don’t feel it the same
For it’s not my place
But I’d got so used to uncle
Seeing his friendly face
He could always smile
Even when in so much pain
He had patience, was happy
He would barely complain
He enjoyed my baking
I’m glad that he did
For it’s a way to give back
As he gave me somewhere to live
I could see how much
The cars meant to him
A life without being able to drive
Would be a life so grim
At 83, this kept him going
He lived for his cars
With help yes maybe
I could see him fixing engines
He was always polite
Not a bad word for anyone
He rarely asked for help
Even when he was struggling
We all got used to seeing
Uncle struggle every day
But he kind of struggled happily
Perhaps to help the pain go away
So it came as a shock
For this reason alone
We think people will go on forever
Forgetting about their bones
For me at least
I can say I was shocked
I hadn’t taken notice
If he’d recently been more sick
One day he was fine
The next not so good
But this wasn’t unusual
He would bounce back, he always did
But this time he didn’t
None of us prepared
For the devastating news
When uncle’s death was shared
We all have regrets
When somebody dies
For me of course I do, uncle
I regret not spending more time with you
I appreciate your friendly face
I think everyone did
I will remember you smiling
You even had time for the kids
I’m sorry about the maize
That I grew right outside your house
I’d forgotten it would get that tall!
You had a forest outside your house!
You saw me struggle with the garden
Even offered to buy me more hosepipe!
Of course I didn’t expect this
But the thought shows how you wanted to help
You told me I was going the wrong way
I was trying t avoid soaking your feet
Why was I going so far?
When you were happy to move your feet!
I have many fond memories
But for now I just want to say
I do miss you uncle
I wasn’t prepared for that day
You have a wonderful family
Who have made sure things go well
I’ve never seen people work so hard
As your family, preparing for the funeral
I hope you can hear me
And see how much you are valued
For me the place will never be
The same, without uncle and his Volvos
But you are no longer in pain
Looked at peace when I saw you
I wish you the rest you deserve
Hamba khalhe uncle, rest in Peace- we love you
🙏
May 14, 2021
May 14, 2021 at 2:44 PM UTC