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cyndi4uPoems
i shouldn't. but i need it. need i've been clean for weeks. the rotting hurts so bad i can't sleep. rot the straight red lines will rid me of this rotting in my stomach. rid me of this agony. agony it hurts so bad i can't think. my head is fogged over with pain. fog it hurts so bad i can't breathe. i can't hear over the deafening red noise. noise i need the straight red lines to breathe. i need the straight red lines to expel the rot. i need the straight red lines to keep my sanity. i need the straight red lines to make me feel whole. i need the straight red lines. so... i do what i know i shouldn't. i buy what shouldn't be bought. and with the click of the freshly opened pack, finally... i can breathe again. click ... I can breathe again.
0
Jan 11, 2021
Jan 11, 2021 at 2:06 AM UTC
i can breathe again.
i shouldn't. but i need it. need i've been clean for weeks. the rotting hurts so bad i can't sleep. rot the straight red lines will rid me of this rotting in my stomach. rid me of this agony. agony it hurts so bad i can't think. my head is fogged over with pain. fog it hurts so bad i can't breathe. i can't hear over the deafening red noise. noise i need the straight red lines to breathe. i need the straight red lines to expel the rot. i need the straight red lines to keep my sanity. i need the straight red lines to make me feel whole. i need the straight red lines. so... i do what i know i shouldn't. i buy what shouldn't be bought. and with the click of the freshly opened pack, finally... i can breathe again. click ... I can breathe again.
Relapsing has never felt so simultaneously necessary and wrong to me. Don't get me wrong, I... I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love it, still think about it every hour of every day, but... I just broke the longest clean streak of my life. A clean streak that by all standards but my own is pathetically short, given I've been trying to get clean for years. I've had so much help, and yet I fall back into its warm, loving, ****** arms. I'd say I think I need some help, but the small army of therapists I've seen over the past 7 years have only one thing in common aside from profession: they have exhausted their well of treatments and coping skills to teach and apply to me. It feels like it must be my fault; like I must not be giving it everything I have. But I am, truly. So... I'll just keep on trying my best. That's all you can ask of a person, right?...
#blood#red#selfharm#madness#addiction#noise#agony
cyndi4u
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cyndi4u
F/An unending sea of agony
Jan 11, 2021
Jan 11, 2021 at 2:06 AM UTC
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