I miss the cold laughs and the playful stares
The ease in knowing you were there
How did it become a sharp ache
Heavy enough to keep me awake
Most of the time I feel like I’m dreaming
Like you just tucked me in and told me to go to sleep
Because its late
And you were going to sleep too
I don’t see you in your room anymore
I don’t hear you in the kitchen
I pace around the corners of my mind
And sit by the one that protects me
The memories flood vivid
They’re loud
Waiting to be seen
Images visiting without an invitation
Kind ones leave me craving more
Longing for a miracle
Dark ones remind me of what it means
To feel helpless
Patiently waiting the day
Where I would have to do this without you
Your hand in mine
Was the greatest gift you left to me
Love disguised as security
An ending reassuring a beginning
I watched you take your last breath
And wiped the tears you had the strength to find
One last time
They told me that you loved me
Porcelain skin
Sunken cheeks
Your stained sweater
Slow breaths
Mirrored slow rises in your chest
I kissed your forehead and told you to go
I told you it was okay
Because you always did the same for me
My body vibrated with pure bliss
At the thought of you going somewhere
Where you would feel no pain
Where you could finally leave your body
And look down at it in awe
For all that you went through
Leaving behind that every passing second
Was more painful than the last
I could not wait for you to be free
So you could kiss the stars on your way
Until a heavy silence filled the room
And I knew I would never feel the same
I don’t know how I let you go
How I felt the first person I shared love with
Become completely still
A broken and bruised body
Now an extension of the silence
Frozen beside my pleading attempts
For you to come back after hearing my cries
I was sure for a moment
That this was not what it seemed
I knew you could not leave if you heard
That I was desperately searching for your life
You could not leave if you knew
What my mind body and soul felt
The pain that shocked then swallowed me
I could not control it
It painted my reality with merciless dread
It cut through anything that made sense
And stayed with me for hours
I can’t fully revisit this moment today
Because it’s now a part of myself
One that I do not want to call mine
I would do anything to give it back
To say I was only playing pretend
So you could look at me
And play pretend too
By acting as if you weren't amused by me
Just to make me laugh and say "this girl"
But instead you couldn’t come back
So I had to let you go
And trust that your love would always soften
The unfamiliar heaviness and nostalgia
That come along with missing you
To the brightest light in my life
Mommy,
My heart lost its shape
When yours lost its beat
May 10, 2020
May 10, 2020 at 5:44 PM UTC
I miss the cold laughs and the playful stares
The ease in knowing you were there
How did it become a sharp ache
Heavy enough to keep me awake
Most of the time I feel like I’m dreaming
Like you just tucked me in and told me to go to sleep
Because its late
And you were going to sleep too
I don’t see you in your room anymore
I don’t hear you in the kitchen
I pace around the corners of my mind
And sit by the one that protects me
The memories flood vivid
They’re loud
Waiting to be seen
Images visiting without an invitation
Kind ones leave me craving more
Longing for a miracle
Dark ones remind me of what it means
To feel helpless
Patiently waiting the day
Where I would have to do this without you
Your hand in mine
Was the greatest gift you left to me
Love disguised as security
An ending reassuring a beginning
I watched you take your last breath
And wiped the tears you had the strength to find
One last time
They told me that you loved me
Porcelain skin
Sunken cheeks
Your stained sweater
Slow breaths
Mirrored slow rises in your chest
I kissed your forehead and told you to go
I told you it was okay
Because you always did the same for me
My body vibrated with pure bliss
At the thought of you going somewhere
Where you would feel no pain
Where you could finally leave your body
And look down at it in awe
For all that you went through
Leaving behind that every passing second
Was more painful than the last
I could not wait for you to be free
So you could kiss the stars on your way
Until a heavy silence filled the room
And I knew I would never feel the same
I don’t know how I let you go
How I felt the first person I shared love with
Become completely still
A broken and bruised body
Now an extension of the silence
Frozen beside my pleading attempts
For you to come back after hearing my cries
I was sure for a moment
That this was not what it seemed
I knew you could not leave if you heard
That I was desperately searching for your life
You could not leave if you knew
What my mind body and soul felt
The pain that shocked then swallowed me
I could not control it
It painted my reality with merciless dread
It cut through anything that made sense
And stayed with me for hours
I can’t fully revisit this moment today
Because it’s now a part of myself
One that I do not want to call mine
I would do anything to give it back
To say I was only playing pretend
So you could look at me
And play pretend too
By acting as if you weren't amused by me
Just to make me laugh and say "this girl"
But instead you couldn’t come back
So I had to let you go
And trust that your love would always soften
The unfamiliar heaviness and nostalgia
That come along with missing you
To the brightest light in my life
Mommy,
My heart lost its shape
When yours lost its beat
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