I tell myself:
New year
New place
New you
I tell myself that here I will
flourish
I will find my people for life
I will be a better person
I tell myself that this is the best
chance I've got of finally living not
just existing
Deep breaths
I push myself
to say yes
join in
loosen up
But it is tiring
and I feel myself falling into old habits
and I feel myself distancing and
slowing down
And I realise that maybe people cannot
change with a snap of their fingers
I tell myself that I am lazy
Freak
That something inside of me is broken for
no reason
I tell myself that I am the problem
I tell myself that I will fix that problem
Next year, next stage, next life
New me
Not now
Not yet
Nov 3, 2020
Nov 3, 2020 at 12:49 PM UTC
I tell myself:
New year
New place
New you
I tell myself that here I will
flourish
I will find my people for life
I will be a better person
I tell myself that this is the best
chance I've got of finally living not
just existing
Deep breaths
I push myself
to say yes
join in
loosen up
But it is tiring
and I feel myself falling into old habits
and I feel myself distancing and
slowing down
And I realise that maybe people cannot
change with a snap of their fingers
I tell myself that I am lazy
Freak
That something inside of me is broken for
no reason
I tell myself that I am the problem
I tell myself that I will fix that problem
Next year, next stage, next life
New me
Not now
Not yet
This was written in January 2020, based on my thoughts about my as then incomplete first year of university, thinking I at least still had two terms to make progress! Needless to say the pattern has repeated itself (although I can blame the pandemic for some of that) and I'm feeling a bit ******* so I'm putting this out into the void as a way to cope.