it was never going to work out for me.
i don't know who or what ever made me believe that i could be anything other than the manic and unmedicated thing that I've seen in the mirror my whole life
i don't know who's delicate and dedicated faith i've appropriated to get me this far without bleeding my breath out of this place, out of this space granted to me by those with much cleaner skin than mine could ever hope to be
and i always wanted to make my poems as pretty as the person that i want to be
but you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen, so i don't know anymore
and i can't tell where i exist, still incomplete and separate from the body that i wish to inhabit and the life i want to live
like i am the color, but you are the shape of every single part of me
and it makes me so, so
weak
because it reminds me that i'm still here, despite dissociation
and i'm still me, despite appropriation
and i'm still fundamentally broken, despite the years since i'd first discovered love and the hurt i'd felt from it
Jan 5, 2020
Jan 5, 2020 at 5:00 PM UTC
it was never going to work out for me.
i don't know who or what ever made me believe that i could be anything other than the manic and unmedicated thing that I've seen in the mirror my whole life
i don't know who's delicate and dedicated faith i've appropriated to get me this far without bleeding my breath out of this place, out of this space granted to me by those with much cleaner skin than mine could ever hope to be
and i always wanted to make my poems as pretty as the person that i want to be
but you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen, so i don't know anymore
and i can't tell where i exist, still incomplete and separate from the body that i wish to inhabit and the life i want to live
like i am the color, but you are the shape of every single part of me
and it makes me so, so
weak
because it reminds me that i'm still here, despite dissociation
and i'm still me, despite appropriation
and i'm still fundamentally broken, despite the years since i'd first discovered love and the hurt i'd felt from it
happy new year
