i'll reach into my little tin, and find my nerve to finish this self portrait
i tremble with each stroke, but it flows with the medicine
my pilled brain's exquisite craving for the remedy you've injected
into veins half collapsed from exhausting all other methods
and i know we live in simulations
so bereft of explanation
sagging skin and thinning hair,
yeah I can feel my expiration
gnawing fast at my morale and
pulling my limbs from their hinges
darling, please be ever present
sacrifice your voice in patience
chew the skin off of my face and
meld yourself with my self portrait
i wish you could have seen my prime
i'd even let you in on what i've survived
possibly what i'm inspired by
but perhaps just what i'm survived by
silver shoes in my own casket
i know it wouldn't make a difference
this canvas only takes up space
the curse of being unfinished
and i know we live in chemtrail'd nations
young chain smokers loitering at gas stations
they could swallow their vice whole and still have clearer skin
than what's stuck to this husk i inhabit
angel, won't you spare a kiss
fly me where your North Star is
gift me cosmic suffocation
repurpose this burdensome self portrait
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 9:48 AM UTC
it was never going to work out for me.
i don't know who or what ever made me believe that i could be anything other than the manic and unmedicated thing that I've seen in the mirror my whole life
i don't know who's delicate and dedicated faith i've appropriated to get me this far without bleeding my breath out of this place, out of this space granted to me by those with much cleaner skin than mine could ever hope to be
and i always wanted to make my poems as pretty as the person that i want to be
but you're the most beautiful person i've ever seen, so i don't know anymore
and i can't tell where i exist, still incomplete and separate from the body that i wish to inhabit and the life i want to live
like i am the color, but you are the shape of every single part of me
and it makes me so, so
weak
because it reminds me that i'm still here, despite dissociation
and i'm still me, despite appropriation
and i'm still fundamentally broken, despite the years since i'd first discovered love and the hurt i'd felt from it
Feb 9
Feb 9, 2026 at 6:44 AM UTC
you know, dandelions are my favorite flower.
their brittle, defiant spines stand firm within concrete cracks, amidst the smog and industrial growl of traffic driving past. adorned with cotton-like, fragile filaments that exist wholly helmeted around its bud for but a time, before the wind sweeps its fleeting essence into the marketed void of a materialistic society.
i always subscribed to the superstition that dandelions might grant wishes. i always felt connected to their ethereal desperation. picking them out from the cracks they inhabit to silently relay a proposition. but this time, someone will be listening. as i write this wish, to the world, to you, to something...consider it an introduction:
My name is Olly. I am your granddaughter that you never met. I am a pappus in flight.
And I wish to embody the person I've always wanted to be. I wish to fulfill a very important dream.
I simply wish to be.
but more than a wish, this is a promise I will keep.
Jan 27
Jan 27, 2026 at 9:04 PM UTC
i saw god today
i walked into his space, cold and sterile infirmary
he said organize these lifeless bodies, but do look away
do not dare look at their faces
i did just as he pleased, as my resolution waned with every passing minute, every corpse that i carried
heavier than the last, as the will in me kept fading
and as it faded, i caught a glance of one that did
look a lot like me
a dread then burned my nervous system,
i struggled to breathe
i asked him why
still he insisted
i was mistaken
and so i resumed,
the dread had nested in my gut,
my limbs had become weak
while i dragged the bodies through this cold infirmary
then i went home
the warmth of early sunlight shone upon blankets in its gaze
the quiet that had permeated gentle sleep on so many other days
granted no solace, no support
just violently reframed the nightmare i could see now i inhabited
i sat and cried, there was no warmth that could take away this pain
i saw god today
and now
i can't sleep
May 28, 2025
May 28, 2025 at 5:30 AM UTC
i'm sorry.
from my blankets, to my sheets
to my own skin
i've left this stain of pure neglect
rotted shades of green and gray that run so deep
and now it seems
the place you occupied
my love
has succumbed to the same terminal conditions
the place where i held you
i can no longer visit.
from my life
as a sad dysphoric mess, to my wasted death
buried beneath
my own regret
could i have predicted this
could i have prevented
like an oncoming wreck
but i've not found the strength
to move an inch
from the pedal of my disease
accelerate this humiliating process
sever my neck
to end,
or perhaps
encapsulate
this worthlessness.
Mar 29, 2025
Mar 29, 2025 at 7:40 AM UTC
alcohol in excess
and a daily overdose of pills
it's easier
than when choking on your tongue becomes a reminder
of the ghost who shook you out of it at night
so you laced those bitter remedies together
to go follow her spectre
while slurring all the words from all your favorite songs
brazen as ever
would it be too late to ask if i joined you
would it be too much to beg
put on my favorite record
cut the failure out of my veins
Mar 21, 2025
Mar 21, 2025 at 9:01 AM UTC
can i put a last breath into words
and can i just as gently release it without the strain on my neck
i didn't ask to fall apart so young
but i'll take what i can get
adorned with dirt and laced with regret
metallic taste that lingers from one word to the next
words that overstay and overstep
and get harder to understand with every second
when i'm dead they'll hold a funeral for a boy who never existed
for a "man" who they projected
onto the body they'll burn in lieu of proper payment
for a burial that would have finally let me rest
Mar 19, 2025
Mar 19, 2025 at 2:31 AM UTC
touch me and i'll bleed your love is poison to me and so i'm poison to everything the cancer within every single foundation to ever embrace this hardened skin that when i feel an itch i dig my nails so deep down to the inch and leave this ****** mess just so i can feel it the nagging itch of your caress my aching need to feel to reciprocate it
tearing into my own flesh every time we lay in bed the only way i'm allowed to love
is through the wound i carved through my own skin ineed to leave to hide to run to flee to heal the pain is here i can't escape i can't replace i can't release i can'tbelievei can'tbeginagain
Mar 16, 2025
Mar 16, 2025 at 4:47 AM UTC
dear, i fear, a sickness spread while we laid requited in bed
and love, just can’t look you in the eye
pretty sure I’d turn to stone, or die
my tachycardia’s starting to catch flames from these ruminations
and the flowers i bought have gotten soggy in my hesitation
because what good are hands that hold if all they do is shake
and what good are flowers if they’re held so insecure
in a cracked and fractured vase
Jan 23, 2025
Jan 23, 2025 at 7:11 PM UTC
if i had endless time to spend
i would seldom spend it with you
i'd spend most of it thinking about you, and how good it feels
to not be wasting your time
i'd do nothing but talk about you to anyone who would listen, and listen to songs that commemorate
sparse moments where i felt perfectly secure
those moments where i walked out of your home
knowing that i broke nothing you owned,
and felt good about the words that i chose
to so carefully avoid the smallest of cracks
and keep our love intact
because every second spent with you is another chance you might see how worthless i am
and i dread every minute that i am caught
in your perfection
May 27, 2024
May 27, 2024 at 2:52 AM UTC