Tis the season of Christmas music
So I decided to check on Pentatonix
Excited to see a new album out
I delve into it a month early
Whenever I hear them singing
I love and appreciate the art
But a part of me craves that one album
Because I know it'll bring me back
It was an interesting point in my life
I loved a girl who loved me and
I asked her dad for his blessing that month
Her homophobic mom invited me to their dinner
I finally felt more accepted
Even though it was super awkward
We were really happy at that point
I honestly don't know what changed
I don't regret it so much as I don't understand
But I do know that Christmastime
Has been extremely difficult ever since
We spent a few weeks at her dads house
In the middle of nowhere
We cut our own Christmas tree and
I bonded with her dad with call of duty
Our sweet kittens played together
And we got a much-needed break from school
It's hard to look back at that time
My heart hurts even though the memories are positive
I miss her a lot sometimes
Mostly because I feel as though
That relationship was unfair to her
I was emotionally unavailable
But I didn't know it
And I know she messed up too but
We both made mistakes in it all
I just sometimes wish I had had
The tools needed to address the problem
I didn't know what was happening
I didn't know what I was feeling
I knew I was unhappy and hurting
But I didn't understand why
I think what's hard about this one
Is that I can retroactively label it all
Unfortunately that doesn't actually match
All of the things that I said back then
I was cruel to her
Because I knew it'd make her let me go
And I needed to be alone and free
But I chose a twisted path to get there
And for that I'm sorry
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 12:57 AM UTC
Tis the season of Christmas music
So I decided to check on Pentatonix
Excited to see a new album out
I delve into it a month early
Whenever I hear them singing
I love and appreciate the art
But a part of me craves that one album
Because I know it'll bring me back
It was an interesting point in my life
I loved a girl who loved me and
I asked her dad for his blessing that month
Her homophobic mom invited me to their dinner
I finally felt more accepted
Even though it was super awkward
We were really happy at that point
I honestly don't know what changed
I don't regret it so much as I don't understand
But I do know that Christmastime
Has been extremely difficult ever since
We spent a few weeks at her dads house
In the middle of nowhere
We cut our own Christmas tree and
I bonded with her dad with call of duty
Our sweet kittens played together
And we got a much-needed break from school
It's hard to look back at that time
My heart hurts even though the memories are positive
I miss her a lot sometimes
Mostly because I feel as though
That relationship was unfair to her
I was emotionally unavailable
But I didn't know it
And I know she messed up too but
We both made mistakes in it all
I just sometimes wish I had had
The tools needed to address the problem
I didn't know what was happening
I didn't know what I was feeling
I knew I was unhappy and hurting
But I didn't understand why
I think what's hard about this one
Is that I can retroactively label it all
Unfortunately that doesn't actually match
All of the things that I said back then
I was cruel to her
Because I knew it'd make her let me go
And I needed to be alone and free
But I chose a twisted path to get there
And for that I'm sorry
I had this realization tonight. My best friend made a comment a week ago about how I don't celebrate Christmas, and it confused me. I didn't know why until tonight when I was listening to Christmas music that made me feel happy in anticipation of (nonreligious) Christmas activities. I realized that I didn't enjoy the holiday last year because it was the first year after my ex fiancé and I broke up and I have some amazing memories from the last Christmas we spent together. I think I repressed a lot of my positive feelings about the holiday because I still have a lot of sadness surrounding the good memories.
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