I have this silly game that I play
where I test to see just how long
I can keep everything in.
Problems are thrown my way like dice
that always come up snake eyes
while I pretend they're smiling seven.
It’s just like roulette,
only there are no blanks,
the rounds are fired blindly,
and I wait to see when they will lodge themselves in my throat.
The odds aren’t fair.
I continue smiling as my body is used for target practice,
pretending not to feel a thing
until one day I can no longer contain this pool of blood.
My fingers claw at it, trying to drag it back,
but it’s no use.
I am exposed.
Either I will smile through red-tinted teeth
and laugh it off like a nasty paper cut,
or the reservoir will break and take us down with it.
I am afraid.
Every shot sends anxiety through my bones.
_Bang._
I’ve only been pretending to like it because you do.
_Bang._
I have so many questions I will never ask, because I’m scared that this isn’t real for you.
_Bang._
I trust you – love you, maybe – but my past is lingering like ghosts in a cemetery.
_Bang._
Why can’t I stop second guessing?
_Bang._
Why can't I tell you?
_Bang._
Do I want this because you want this?
_Bang._
How do I…
_Bang._
Where do I…
_Bang._
Begin.
Ready,
Set,
Go.
May 28, 2018
May 28, 2018 at 11:57 PM UTC
I have this silly game that I play
where I test to see just how long
I can keep everything in.
Problems are thrown my way like dice
that always come up snake eyes
while I pretend they're smiling seven.
It’s just like roulette,
only there are no blanks,
the rounds are fired blindly,
and I wait to see when they will lodge themselves in my throat.
The odds aren’t fair.
I continue smiling as my body is used for target practice,
pretending not to feel a thing
until one day I can no longer contain this pool of blood.
My fingers claw at it, trying to drag it back,
but it’s no use.
I am exposed.
Either I will smile through red-tinted teeth
and laugh it off like a nasty paper cut,
or the reservoir will break and take us down with it.
I am afraid.
Every shot sends anxiety through my bones.
_Bang._
I’ve only been pretending to like it because you do.
_Bang._
I have so many questions I will never ask, because I’m scared that this isn’t real for you.
_Bang._
I trust you – love you, maybe – but my past is lingering like ghosts in a cemetery.
_Bang._
Why can’t I stop second guessing?
_Bang._
Why can't I tell you?
_Bang._
Do I want this because you want this?
_Bang._
How do I…
_Bang._
Where do I…
_Bang._
Begin.
Ready,
Set,
Go.
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