how do i think?

winter-robin Poems

the only time i have ever felt calm is in the presence of pain. it laps at my brain and takes over my body as i cannot feel anymore there are times that i adore the excuse to tuck myself away as i am washed into a darkness the world never sits on the same axis when my soul tries to stitch itself back together after it splits under too much pressure i used to imagine that u could breathe under water as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker in the atmosphere that waited above me all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree but i knew my work would always lead to my visits to my mind’s coroner i allow my whole self to wander finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops and a quiet captures my mind because it scares me, too my calmness it different to you i’ve seen this my whole life as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body for everyone else it was so separate but i felt them as if they were alive inside me migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free my skull shattered as my body overheated mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown it was at these times that i would lay prone pondered at the ceiling with thoughts that were so irrational they became logical there was were my self would dull my soul turns inside out and i relish in the nothingness that is sure to come my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum and i start the story all over again and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.