She hasn’t left her room for three days. She hasn’t left her house in two weeks. She hasn’t gone into town in a month before that. She hadn’t been rationing her food supply on purpose but it’s what ended up happening anyway.
She’s laying on the floor, now. She’s been laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for hours. She knows that the ceiling is a muted, toneless, comforting beige but all she can focus on is the creeping gray shadows that feel like a physical barrier between herself and the rest of the world. She knows that these shadows are only really in her head, but four nights ago the angle of the sun coming through her curtains had been just right and all she could focus on was an oppressive mass of shadow that froze her in her tracks and locked her inside her own mind as it crawled nearer and nearer.
That horrifying moment had only been that, a moment, but now that she’s locked away she doesn’t even have the energy to start looking for the key.
She’s been lying on the floor staring at her not-gray ceiling for hours. She has no idea what day it is because every time her mind starts to right itself into something resembling coherency there is another shudder of uncertainty and the physical shadows in her mind slither over her more tightly and she is left again a shell of herself, dead, glassy eyes staring, seeing nothing and the ceiling, both at once.
However, if there is one thing she can focus on longer than anything else, it is the shadows. The ones that wriggle in the corners of her periphery and make up her cage. Even if her mind can’t pull itself together enough to name the days, she can at least count how many times the shadows were at their weakest and instead of reaching towards the silhouette of her body, she can at least count the three times where she felt the light pressure of warmth on her skin. It lasted a little while, she remembers, vaguely, but it was never long before the briefest change in the shadows illuminated their own movement again. Again, if coherency was anywhere near possible she might question how her strict one-way mind can connect that this means that days have passed, but for now she just waits in numb agony for nothing and everything in her mind to make sense.
She has no idea if she is awake or asleep and really, doesn’t care.
May 2, 2019
May 2, 2019 at 2:57 PM UTC
I'd love to be able to lay my heart out
I want to open my chest and flay all my doubt
Ill reach into myself and hope to see reality
But how am I supposed to help if I blind myself?
what if I go searching and only find trouble?
What if my eloquence it reduced to babble?
Reason takes effort and I'm exhausted
Dec 6, 2018
Dec 6, 2018 at 10:35 PM UTC
The words have been getting stuck in my throat.
Maybe its the timing as I keep myself afloat
or I’m losing my taste for the sugarcoat.
I haven’t seen myself around
As I keep my face toward the ground
But surely not all of my emotions have drowned.
You see, the bags under my eyes
Have been a perfect disguise
Because I'm not working myself to my demise,
No, I’ve been withering away
Curled up to do nothing but decay
As I pretend there is nothing beyond my doorway.
For some reason, my mind is denying
That my responsibilities have any bearing
on my overall wellbeing
When, really, I know better but
It like my mind decided my kismet
And any real rationale went into the toilet.
My actions have only been half finished.
I move towards something but then it has vanished.
And I can't even remember what I hoped to accomplish.
I know I had hopes and dreams
But now it really just seems
Like I can only see daydreams
The words aren’t just stuck in my throat
They just don't exist.
There are no words to describe this
Emptiness.
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 9:52 PM UTC
Dear friends its been a while!
I can't believe
It took so long to reconcile.
So often it feels like
I'm only giving off a profile.
so I must say
I’ve missed your smile.
I've been thinking lately
(And you know how
My thoughts can be deadly)
That maybe I
Am lost again already.
I’ll swallow my pride this time
And ask for help before I go crazy.
I can't feel my emotions.
Every other obstacle feels like
a toss into the deepest of oceans.
And no matter what I do
Its like I’m only going through the motions.
It's so hard to be around people
Without feeling like my mind and body are prisons
Help me, please
I don't want to be alone anymore but
this is the only place I feel at ease.
I feel sicker than before now,
How can I cure my self of this disease?
All my efforts drain me.
Why would my heart have a lock without keys?
I am so sorry
I'm working through some
of this explosive self-fury.
I hope you can forgive me
and save yourself some worry
because I know to ask now and besides:
it's not as bad as it could be.
Oct 25, 2018
Oct 25, 2018 at 9:45 PM UTC
i have spent every moment
of my life dedicated to
collecting the art of my experiences
they live under my skin
and crawl towards the loving light
that the sun promises
but i cannot give up my sight
for them to fly and be lost
no one loves them like i do
no will see them as i do
i know because no one
sees them when they sink
longing claws into my flesh
they cant see the shades
as the colors bleed out of my tears
so i keep them safe behind my ribs
right next my expanding heart
and i let part of them pour out
as words on my fingertips
some are shy
and some seek the sight of others
just like my feelings
i love so much
so i am so greatful that they
do not resent me
for not looking into the sun
Feb 1, 2018
Feb 1, 2018 at 2:07 PM UTC
‘Why do you long to see me?’
She asks like
she isn’t the most beautiful thing in the universe
‘You don’t mourn the day passing’
She tells me like
Thats the only reason I would come to see her
‘You dread the morning’
She states with pity like
She knows that I am missing my own life
I tell her,
‘I see your gentle light
And it helps to set my soul right.’
I tell her,
‘You look beyond what you see,
And try to help those who don’t think they deserve to be happy.’
I tell her,
‘There’s a softness I see here,
that no one else can see unless their heart is clear.’
I tell her,
‘I prefer your peace that cannot hide,
To all of those in the day that push forward their pride.’
I tell her,
‘The day does nothing but weather my body
And blinds me with everything so gaudy.’
I tell her,
‘Of course I dread the morning, because the sunlight brings shadow,
And you go to where I cannot follow.’
I see sadness in her whole being,
With a ‘why?’ She seems to be pleading
I give her a smile and tell her:
‘You’ve never left me,
Even as the shadows of my misgivings surround me,
You always stay soft and strong
Even as the universe’s cycle strings you along.
I have never seen anything more beautiful;
So I am proud to stay with you, always dutiful.
Jan 27, 2018
Jan 27, 2018 at 3:09 PM UTC
You paint flowering tattoos
over your regretted scars
As you appeal to repent
And you reject your last muse
I know you can hear it
Screaming not to go away
But there is another pull
That makes you a hypocrite
You drag your useless body
Toward a faux sun that doesn’t burn
Leading you into a trap
That no one would see clearly
Perhaps your blood won’t flow
But there is a brokenness there
Which acts as a barrier
To seal your soul far below
The marks on your body flare
Into a focused beacon
Drawing the wrong attention
And show your lively despair
Delicacies on your skin
Brought to you by the unknown
When you thought your strength was lost
so; take hold of power within
Yet still you cast them away
the safety of the shadows
Can’t begin to help you now
The muse is not bound to obey
So lift yourself together
As one can’t hope to exist
Separate from mind or body
And use your scars as your tether
Under a genuine star
You will find solace within
As your soul begins to blend
you will find out who you are
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 4:45 PM UTC
the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.
it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore
there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness
the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure
i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me
all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner
i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop
i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too
my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see
but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me
migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown
it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical
there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come
my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.
Nov 12, 2017
Nov 12, 2017 at 6:14 PM UTC