I have never
(and hopefully
never will be again)
Secretly in such deep
Love with someone
Piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, voice
Brilliant in his ability
To absorb knowledge
His mind a sponge
Consistently chill
Not easily riled
Persistently positive
And funny
When we met I was
An overweight, ******
Textbook closet case
Face in textbooks
Eating and smoking
To fill the void
I’d find any reason at all
To spend time with him
Tennis?
Sure!, Let’s go!
Dinner out?
Who’s driving?
Monty Hall Piano Room?
Let me spark this joint first.
What’s worse was that I
Loved (and still love and adore)
His then girlfriend
And so it was this strange
Situation where I loved
The couple, was secretly
Obsessed with the boy
And so jealous of the girl
But I was too ashamed and
Self-aware to be nasty to her
Because it wasn’t her fault
Shame so locked in my marrow
I couldn’t even project
The insecurity it created
Cristo and Lirah
Would go out for a romantic
Dinner and I’d feel
More alone in those moments
Than any other
So I’d smoke and do school work
Or walk through the woods with Nayla
Or go eat with Jireh
~~~
Side bar: So it turned out that
Jireh had a big ‘ol thing for me
I was so blind because
Of my behavioral asexuality
‘Locked in’ gayness
Love for Cristo
I may have led her on for like, years.
That’s ******
And John had a thing for Jireh
Weird love non-triangles
All over the ******* place
- - -
We drank so much
I remember drinking every day for
The last month of my junior year
In WC14
Movie night?
Word: White Russians
Pair well with Bladerunner
My shame was so strong that
Even when I was blacked out
(Or nearly blacked out)
I could still use a Treuschler
Bathroom to ****
Then stare at myself in the mirror
And be disgusted with my
Own reflection
“You love him.
You love Cristo.”
“You’re ******* gay, bro.”
“SAY IT. "
"TO ANYONE.”
. . .
******* coward.”
Shame slicing right
Through the shitfacedness
For self chastisement
- - -
I told him I was gay
At a club in Baltimore a few days
Before I left for Micronesia
He said: “Where are we going
for your send off?”
I said: “The Hippo.”
He said: “You know that’s a
gay bar, right?”
“Yeah, man. It’s cool.”
I told him after returning from
Peace Corps
That I’d been in love
With him in our college
Years
Cool, collected and responsive
As usual, he said:
“Thank you.”
Feb 11, 2017
Feb 11, 2017 at 2:43 PM UTC
I have never
(and hopefully
never will be again)
Secretly in such deep
Love with someone
Piano, guitar, trumpet, drums, voice
Brilliant in his ability
To absorb knowledge
His mind a sponge
Consistently chill
Not easily riled
Persistently positive
And funny
When we met I was
An overweight, ******
Textbook closet case
Face in textbooks
Eating and smoking
To fill the void
I’d find any reason at all
To spend time with him
Tennis?
Sure!, Let’s go!
Dinner out?
Who’s driving?
Monty Hall Piano Room?
Let me spark this joint first.
What’s worse was that I
Loved (and still love and adore)
His then girlfriend
And so it was this strange
Situation where I loved
The couple, was secretly
Obsessed with the boy
And so jealous of the girl
But I was too ashamed and
Self-aware to be nasty to her
Because it wasn’t her fault
Shame so locked in my marrow
I couldn’t even project
The insecurity it created
Cristo and Lirah
Would go out for a romantic
Dinner and I’d feel
More alone in those moments
Than any other
So I’d smoke and do school work
Or walk through the woods with Nayla
Or go eat with Jireh
~~~
Side bar: So it turned out that
Jireh had a big ‘ol thing for me
I was so blind because
Of my behavioral asexuality
‘Locked in’ gayness
Love for Cristo
I may have led her on for like, years.
That’s ******
And John had a thing for Jireh
Weird love non-triangles
All over the ******* place
- - -
We drank so much
I remember drinking every day for
The last month of my junior year
In WC14
Movie night?
Word: White Russians
Pair well with Bladerunner
My shame was so strong that
Even when I was blacked out
(Or nearly blacked out)
I could still use a Treuschler
Bathroom to ****
Then stare at myself in the mirror
And be disgusted with my
Own reflection
“You love him.
You love Cristo.”
“You’re ******* gay, bro.”
“SAY IT. "
"TO ANYONE.”
. . .
******* coward.”
Shame slicing right
Through the shitfacedness
For self chastisement
- - -
I told him I was gay
At a club in Baltimore a few days
Before I left for Micronesia
He said: “Where are we going
for your send off?”
I said: “The Hippo.”
He said: “You know that’s a
gay bar, right?”
“Yeah, man. It’s cool.”
I told him after returning from
Peace Corps
That I’d been in love
With him in our college
Years
Cool, collected and responsive
As usual, he said:
“Thank you.”
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