I see overreaction
You see red
You see: "you've broken a promise, watched it with
another boy"
I see: "I was lonely and wanted to watch
a movie we'd planned to watch together on my couch"
I see: turn over and slowly drift to sleep
with my love by my side
You see: you're being distant, now I feel alone
and hurt
You see: I smoked without him Thursday night,
that's so disrespectful of me
I see: you enjoying time with friends while I need
a night in alone
I see: you walk out of the galleria after saying
cattily: "I'll take those keys now"
You see: me hurting you, being inconsiderate, invalidating
your feelings
You see: the silent treatment
I see: you slowly inch away from me with each
passerby
I see: myself trying to understand why you feel so
intensely about this, why you believe me (by some default setting)
to be driven by self-interest; general inconsideration
You see: me invalidating you
You see: me as someone who can't see what I contribute
to the struggle
I see: you continue to question my awareness and intent
I see: clarifying questions, then my own defensiveness
because I am being accused of intent I never had
You see: your feelings invalidated and me being
defensive
I see: you assuming the worst
You see: what you want to see
May 20, 2018
May 20, 2018 at 12:48 PM UTC
Please don’t beat me up.
While you are entitled to feel however you're gonna feel,
you don't get to beat me up because you've decided that
I came for you with malintent when I didn't.
I come from a place of love.
I'm intentional about my words,
tone and intent.
I am aware.
Give me grace.
Give me the benefit of the doubt.
Understand your past, present.
Understand mine.
If I say something that has upset you,
just because you feel I am being judgmental,
doesn’t mean that I am being judgmental.
Our feelings and reactions do not
necessarily (and often are not)
accurate depictions of reality.
That's how you feel.
Figure out whatever it is that
has you feeling hurt.
It probably has more
to do with you than it does with me.
When I defend myself from accusations,
it’s because I know my own heart. And
I want to protect it.
When I defend myself from accusations,
I am not invalidating your feelings.
Feel the **** outta your feelings.
Just,
please don’t beat me up.
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 8:50 PM UTC
If you really knew me
You'd know that I am
A student first
A teacher second
If you knew me
You'd know I need
Grace and patience
To stave off the Angst
Monster napping upon
My left lung
If you knew me
You'd know that I want
To give you grace and patience
Because you need it too
If you knew me
You'd cradle
My heart
My intentions
So softly in your
Callous-free palm
If you knew me
You'd know that love
Is my goal and my
Experience vibrates
Softly in step
With my heart beat
If you knew me
You'd know my
Heart raced through
The night and I woke
With diarrhea
If you knew me
You would not ask for my freedom
For my walks in the night on mossy paths
For hammock, new friends, Bukowski, cigarette,
A life that is separate but complimentary to yours,
For the sacred voice that speaks in the silence of the night
I will be more alive to you for these.
See me.
Know me.
Even through
The abuse and neglect
Your heart suffers
From past love
For nothing is more knowing
And loving than saying:
"I don't need you to
Light yourself on fire
To keep me warm."
Mar 24, 2018
Mar 24, 2018 at 10:27 AM UTC
I file away every beautiful moment,
Each a memory's spark in your eyes.
I've collected memories,
cobalt grave,
lustrous,
doleful,
resplendent,
That haven't even happened yet.
If I lose you, where will I file those sparks?
I still get lost in them.
Dec 6, 2017
Dec 6, 2017 at 10:05 AM UTC
fantasy of broken glass
steps from fridge
to barrel-chested
water heater
push the green button
clicks to ignite pilot
filling with heat
the cold, vacuous hope chamber
click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait
the projectionist empties
the can and tosses ribbons
to the screen--
that's his job
click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait
but behind the lights
he sees not what
the screen's
face lays bare
click times twenty
no yield
wait
wait
the projectionist hears
only what his own speakers
interpret as consistent
with what he is familiar
click times twenty
still no flame
wait
wait
so walk the glass path?
take a nap
call your State Farm agent
task manager forced reboot
Nov 7, 2017
Nov 7, 2017 at 12:16 AM UTC
Do you ever wish you could choose your dream
Before you go to bed?
Mine'd find my nose lost, twisted
About jet-black, jawline beard hair
Scent of peppermint and the day's scrub cap
I'd get lost in the softness of underamour
Cotton blend cloth wrapped softly
Over chest fuzz and brown skin mounds
Musky and warm
Tongue rushing past tongue
Taste buds tingling like a newborn kitten's
Sand paper tongue or that zing that
Happens when you lick a battery.
Smiling eyes that look up at me
From chin rested on chest
And hand stroking face as if to say:
"I wouldn't be any other place
Than right here right now, so love me."
Two island flat feet, wide and deliberate,
Kicking like a baby might splash his
Feet in his first bath out of giddiness
And the longing for our ocean church.
Whispers of:
"I'm in love with you and
I'm so excited about it. And us."
A collection of songs that once covertly
Communicated longing and now
Proclaim belonging
Because--for ***** sake!--we waited
A long *** time
And it was worth it.
I guess I should start choosing dreams
Of the dark water abyss
Or flying
Or speaking 7 languages
Or a 6th and 7th sense.
Because I get to live this dream.
Every day.
Jun 7, 2017
Jun 7, 2017 at 10:26 PM UTC
Flood gate motorcade
Spirit sprite's lemonade
Walnut wig
Lipsticked pig
Throw me down a love grenade.
Five foot five
Brown skin live
******** pucker
Real good ******
Kiss my neck we both will thrive.
Hold my hand to cross the street
Me, your mama meet and great
Supply the sticky
Never picky
Poetry makes my man feel neat.
I want to love you all the time
Nose hair, **** cut, I don't mind
Always love me
Always hug me
Get into this heart of mine.
Spring time makes you itchy, sneezy
Wash feet of the hungry, needy
Lifetime bond
Warm palm frond
You said you don't just want, but need me.
Your love for me is unconstricted
Throw out fear, that wolf’s evicted
Be my champion
Handsome companion
Ensure our spirits stay soaring, lifted
><<>> <<><<
Side-note:
(Who taught you to love like this?
Who taught you to love like this?
You know it’s because you love yourself
in a way that’s ******* rare, right?
This is why you can afford to give this much?
It scares me, but not in the horror movie way.
It scares me, not in the feeding-the-bad-wolf-way.
It scares me because your love is becoming the platform upon
which I am learning to love myself the way I deserve to. My love for myself is catching up with the love you have for me.
How you look into my eyes is indescribable.
I think you see something in here that I don’t. I’m getting there.
This is how you inspire me.
This is why I need you.
This is a race we will both win. We will both win this one.
Hand in hand, marathon ribbon cut sand.)
I'm afraid to say it
I'm afraid to say this
But I think I have to
I more than want you
Circle the block
Drum core, piccolo, fife.
You might just be the love of my life.
Good morning.
I love you.
May 16, 2017
May 16, 2017 at 12:34 PM UTC
I can love
you more
and will
because you
are me and
I am you.
May 8, 2017
May 8, 2017 at 10:13 PM UTC
Why do I deserve this?
How do I deserve this?
What did I do and in which
Lifetime that has lead to
Me receiving such prodigious love?
Your face beaming upward
Backward hat left ear bent
Your eyes scale my
Adam's apple
Chin
Bottom Lip
Top Lip
Philtrum
Tip of Nose
Bridge
Bottom Lash
Pupil locked
You smile
Then wink
In that way I said I hated
Because I thought it was cheap
And I'm glad I said that
Because now I love it
And the ****** expression
And words that follow
Every Single Time
"Sup?"
Can I read you a poem?
Our inside jokes
Build
Rigorously
Congruously
Correlationally
To our love,
Pesto.
But you already know that.
You inspire me
Blue flame fire in me
You will agree
To a large degree
Is on account of our
Souls' connectivity
Meant to be
My heart dances on the bridge
That connects tears of laughter
And tears of shear happiness and
Gratitude and as my heart swells
To rugby ball bloat
I ask: What am I going to do with you?
You say: Love me.
Well?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I'm in love with you.
Pesto, let's go home.
May 8, 2017
May 8, 2017 at 10:11 PM UTC
Also: I feel ******* sick. Not physically. Although: sometimes the pit in my stomach feels like the point of this lose's impact.
Actually: this feels incredibly age appropriate.
Also: I don't define myself by what I don't like. People know what I like. And that's love and poetry and lipy kisses and the final season of Girls and volunteering.
Actually: when you said the word "actually" after anything positive or interesting, it made me feel like you defined yourself by what you didn't like and since we met, things got so good for you that you were pleasantly surprised by a constant string of nice things you started to see again (or maybe only started seeing for the first time).
Also: now that it's over, I wonder how often you say "actually."
Actually: I'm half freaked half stoked to see you Friday night.
Also: I keep searching for the perfect song to send to you that communicates exactly how I feel; mainly because we aren't talking right now and I've gotten so used to secretly coded artistic messaging doing all of my talking for me. Something by Lucy Rose, I think.
Actually: I'm afraid to reach out too soon because I don't want to admit I want you and also I don't want to give you false hope.
Also: I think about you constantly. And also you constantly.
Actually: I killed it way too soon and started something new so fast that my head is spinning and all I really want is to say sorry to your bottom lip for my absence.
Also: I feel immense guilt.
Actually: that bottom lip I want to apologize to for my absence, I also need to apologize to for making stick out when your face was that red and your cheeks that wet. Because making you cry. Those eyes. Those sounds. **** I'm sorry I ever made you cry. I'm so sorry. Please never cry. Never cry. Please.
Also: I don't ever want the cotton of my shoulder to be so saturated.
Actually: I made a decision based on my gut that had me sure of myself for the 3 weeks leading to my birthday and now 2 weeks since my birthday, I can't find the security in my gut.
Also: 30 doesn't feel more secure at all.
Actually: I need space but I haven't been able to count on myself to create it.
Also: I'm super worried these feelings won't die because, even though I both do and don't want them to, I know they need to to make these feelings grow.
Actually: I know I said I was up for the gamble. And we really just might win it all. But I might also lose it all.
Also: I think I'm exactly where I am supposed to be in my socialization.
Actually: **** makes me paranoid and ***** makes me feel fat but sleep and cardio and water and caffeine make me feel ******* good.
Also: not a huge fan of raw fish that isn't tuna. Also: **** seaweed salad.
Actually: I just want to be the best version of myself. Character matters. I'm gaining experience. I want **** to be easy. It's not and won't be. And that's fine. I just don't want to hurt anyone. I want to search and feel and taste and
Make love
love
love.
Apr 13, 2017
Apr 13, 2017 at 9:23 AM UTC