let me shove my theories down your throat.
This is what I hear everytime someone comes to me
asking if I have a minute to talk about
"our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ"
Don't get me wrong I support christians.
I went to church for 10 years
just to learn about the religion.
But why should I bow down to people
who told me daily that I,
as a woman who loves loving women,
am going to go to hell?
Who told me one of my big brothers
was going to go to hell aswell?
Him being a man who loves loving men.
They told me my other brother
would burn eternally too
and that his child,
concieved out of wedlock,
was a mistake.
Repent or burn,
they hiss but act as though
they're different from the serpent
that so deviantly tempted Eve
with desires of forbidden fruit.
My big sister,
is foretold a future of damnation,
for trying to take her life
7 times.
They say
it's a hard path to choose to take,
walking with God,
But to ask for forgiveness
and ye shall be saved.
What if my detours distract me
and i end up with the destination to flames.
I could give up who I am,
say i'm clean
of the mental illness labelled
homosexuality.
God says do not to lie.
God says do not to be jealous of what
my neighbors have
and my neighbors are
straight,
God.
I wanted for years not to be gay,
Lord,
and I have cried upon the shoulders
of great christians
because I wished I wasn't.
Christians who I owe my sanity too
because although they did not support
my "lifestyle",
they supported me,
God.
They loved me regardless because you said
love thy neighbor.
You said,
do not be prideful,
but Lord,
some of your followers,
they held their noses in the air
and the looked down at me.
Named themselves,
better.
Judge and ye sha'll be judged
just as harshly,
you said.
So I pray, father
do not let my neighbors pay
they were ignorant and they still are.
They said with some writings you have to read
between the lines
but sometimes they missed the words that
were already there,
God.
They made me ache over
what I was,
what I am.
I thought there was something wrong with me,
Lord
and there was a time i'd look to the sky
and i'd ask for something seemingly simple,
i'd say " now, I know i've been bad but please-"
and I'd beg for what I wanted.
I'd say i'd try to be good,
whether for the day or for a few weeks.
I believed in you
and sometimes,
just sometimes i'd get what I asked for,
but there was always a catch,
Lord.
I was always thrown an attemtped suicude
or another runaway
and I would cry for nights
so I wouldn't to other people.
I'd think it was wrong of me,
to ask for a favor,
being such a sinner.
I didn't want to go to hell,
but facing reality felt like the preview.
I'm learning to live with myself,
God,
Because for those 10 years
I was as gay as I am now,
but I wanted to be washed away
of my sins.
My burdens to be lifted off my shoulders,
I wanted to be a good kid.
I wanted my parents to love me more
and I wanted to not be bad anymore,
but Father I have sinned
and I still do.
I was just a kid
and I still am.
Still,
I thank you
for experience,
life-long lessons.
But,
God,
do I resent you.
Oct 7, 2015
Oct 7, 2015 at 12:19 PM UTC
let me shove my theories down your throat.
This is what I hear everytime someone comes to me
asking if I have a minute to talk about
"our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ"
Don't get me wrong I support christians.
I went to church for 10 years
just to learn about the religion.
But why should I bow down to people
who told me daily that I,
as a woman who loves loving women,
am going to go to hell?
Who told me one of my big brothers
was going to go to hell aswell?
Him being a man who loves loving men.
They told me my other brother
would burn eternally too
and that his child,
concieved out of wedlock,
was a mistake.
Repent or burn,
they hiss but act as though
they're different from the serpent
that so deviantly tempted Eve
with desires of forbidden fruit.
My big sister,
is foretold a future of damnation,
for trying to take her life
7 times.
They say
it's a hard path to choose to take,
walking with God,
But to ask for forgiveness
and ye shall be saved.
What if my detours distract me
and i end up with the destination to flames.
I could give up who I am,
say i'm clean
of the mental illness labelled
homosexuality.
God says do not to lie.
God says do not to be jealous of what
my neighbors have
and my neighbors are
straight,
God.
I wanted for years not to be gay,
Lord,
and I have cried upon the shoulders
of great christians
because I wished I wasn't.
Christians who I owe my sanity too
because although they did not support
my "lifestyle",
they supported me,
God.
They loved me regardless because you said
love thy neighbor.
You said,
do not be prideful,
but Lord,
some of your followers,
they held their noses in the air
and the looked down at me.
Named themselves,
better.
Judge and ye sha'll be judged
just as harshly,
you said.
So I pray, father
do not let my neighbors pay
they were ignorant and they still are.
They said with some writings you have to read
between the lines
but sometimes they missed the words that
were already there,
God.
They made me ache over
what I was,
what I am.
I thought there was something wrong with me,
Lord
and there was a time i'd look to the sky
and i'd ask for something seemingly simple,
i'd say " now, I know i've been bad but please-"
and I'd beg for what I wanted.
I'd say i'd try to be good,
whether for the day or for a few weeks.
I believed in you
and sometimes,
just sometimes i'd get what I asked for,
but there was always a catch,
Lord.
I was always thrown an attemtped suicude
or another runaway
and I would cry for nights
so I wouldn't to other people.
I'd think it was wrong of me,
to ask for a favor,
being such a sinner.
I didn't want to go to hell,
but facing reality felt like the preview.
I'm learning to live with myself,
God,
Because for those 10 years
I was as gay as I am now,
but I wanted to be washed away
of my sins.
My burdens to be lifted off my shoulders,
I wanted to be a good kid.
I wanted my parents to love me more
and I wanted to not be bad anymore,
but Father I have sinned
and I still do.
I was just a kid
and I still am.
Still,
I thank you
for experience,
life-long lessons.
But,
God,
do I resent you.