A thought passed my mind last night, as I sit on the pale green steps in your garage listening to the words of your past. As your relatives relate to it, and I sit there as if I'm invisible, just observing everyone and questioning myself. Yesterday was one of the most heart-rending days I've experienced in a while, where saying my goodbyes to you was now showing that I mean every word of what I said. For the whole day, I analysed my thoughts and feelings and came to the conclusion that I was empty and felt that there was no life left in me. I found myself wanting to be around you so badly but couldn't bare to speak a cent. In the evening when I went out for a smoke, I sat there on the concrete steps listening to the sound of sadness blaring from my phone. I hear the door open, and there he stands holding a cigarette. I quickly look away, and act as if he didn't exist; but as my thoughts wander off, my brain rapes my emotions; telling me "I can't do this", I can not do this".. all I wanted to do is burst into tears and be comforted. As time went by I noticed that I was the only one upset about this, so I began to associate with him a little, where my heart let out a bit of a sigh and I just let go. I had no more energy in trying to not talk to him, it was poring the energy away keeping all theses thoughts in my head. It still is. As midnight hit, I said my goodbyes to the others whom were amazingly welcome to me and then I set back on my last words for the next few months to the one I love with all my heart. My heart pounding and my voice shaking and quiet, I opened the door and said I was leaving, as he looked over he showed a bit of sympathy and returned the goodbye.I never knew that saying goodbye twice would be even more difficult.