Dec 2014
i have a weird relationship with death
when i was 15 months old i was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the retina
and when i tell people they always say the same thing
oh, i'm so sorry
and i tell them don't feel sorry for me feel sorry for my mother
feel sorry for the woman who watched her infant daughter get cancer
only to get it herself 57 years later
my early life was a blur of hospitals
because the thing they don't tell you about cancer is that unless you die
it's never over
every bump, every mole, every headache, every pain you think
is this it?
is it back? is this going to be the thing that kills me?
but i never really knew death outside of cats and grandparents until college
i never had a friend die in an accident, never had anyone die who wasn't old and expecting it
until my mom's best friend died of internal bleeding of the esophagus in october of 2011
and in the end i think that's what caused my own internal bleeding
not literally but metaphorically
because anxiety and depression and ptsd all feel a lot like slowing bleeding to death from the inside
everything draining away in silence leaving you empty and hollow
until one day you are simply no longer there
on the same day three years later my father died
and when i tell people they always say
oh i'm so sorry
and i tell them don't be
as far as i'm concerned my father died five years ago
the last time we spoke i told him i loved him
and i don't know if i meant it
or if i did it because it was the right thing to do
then two months later my grandmother's friend died
died of cancer to be exact
the thing that could have killed me
the thing that could have killed my mother
i spent four hours in a room with his dead body and i have never felt so much like death was staring me in the face
a tiny specter in the corner whispering
this could have been you
this could have been your mother
i have a weird relationship with death
as a child i refused to go to bed without saying good night
because i was afraid i'd never wake up and would have died forgetting to tell my parents i loved them
i am not afraid of dying
i am afraid of living without people
i am afraid of leaving people behind
because i have been left behind
and it's hard to patch up gaping wounds with butterfly stitches
when i was 15 months old i was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the retina
and when i tell people they always say the same thing
oh, i'm so sorry
and i tell them don't feel sorry for me feel sorry for my mother
feel sorry for the woman who watched her infant daughter get cancer
only to get it herself 57 years later
my early life was a blur of hospitals
because the thing they don't tell you about cancer is that unless you die
it's never over
every bump, every mole, every headache, every pain you think
is this it?
is it back? is this going to be the thing that kills me?
but i never really knew death outside of cats and grandparents until college
i never had a friend die in an accident, never had anyone die who wasn't old and expecting it
until my mom's best friend died of internal bleeding of the esophagus in october of 2011
and in the end i think that's what caused my own internal bleeding
not literally but metaphorically
because anxiety and depression and ptsd all feel a lot like slowing bleeding to death from the inside
everything draining away in silence leaving you empty and hollow
until one day you are simply no longer there
on the same day three years later my father died
and when i tell people they always say
oh i'm so sorry
and i tell them don't be
as far as i'm concerned my father died five years ago
the last time we spoke i told him i loved him
and i don't know if i meant it
or if i did it because it was the right thing to do
then two months later my grandmother's friend died
died of cancer to be exact
the thing that could have killed me
the thing that could have killed my mother
i spent four hours in a room with his dead body and i have never felt so much like death was staring me in the face
a tiny specter in the corner whispering
this could have been you
this could have been your mother
i have a weird relationship with death
as a child i refused to go to bed without saying good night
because i was afraid i'd never wake up and would have died forgetting to tell my parents i loved them
i am not afraid of dying
i am afraid of living without people
i am afraid of leaving people behind
because i have been left behind
and it's hard to patch up gaping wounds with butterfly stitches
