My Living Nightmare

I would play my father’s favorite sonata on my family’s grand piano
While he stood watching over me-Every morning to the late afternoon.
Voices inside of mind were commanding and
As a threatening black cloud became a curtain closing before my eyes,
I yearned to retreat to that hidden world of my own.

Although the tune I played was somewhat soothing,
Firecrackers were exploding inside of my mind-
My father was the taskmaster
Vociferating his own domineering commands –
He was the devil’s advocate and the slave driver ruling my life.

Inside of my mind were deeply rooted fears
Pain stabbing my heart with every palpitation
I can still hear those voices screaming that nobody else could fathom
Piercing my brain as would shards of broken glass-
As I can still see spiders crawling across the ceiling above me.

This is my state of mind that has rudely taken over my life
As if I were driving, losing control of the steering wheel and crashing-
Schizophrenia is the name that was given to define this turmoil that contains me
As I still have memories of lying unresponsive in a hospital seclusion room
In desperation hoping to somehow appease my troubled soul.

Memories and flashbacks plague me every day and night-
As I am playing the same sonata on the grand piano of my dreams
I lost my father twenty two years ago
His absence has brought me some relief from that never ending trepidation
But I still ask myself “what is this lurid demise that has stricken me truly all about?”

I believe that demons possessed my spirit before the day I was born-
My father believed my state of mind was merely about lassitude and misbehaving-
So I would play for him that same sonata on the grand piano he so often yearned to hear-
But I still cannot comprehend what went wrong on that journey towards my birth-
Whether I look backward in time or move forward- I guess I never will.

Claudia Krizay