I can’t breathe among these aspen leaves
Wind washing over a war washed face
My embrace feels lifeless now
I long for the tropical beaches of an unexplored love
With palm trees of emotion so tall
That I could climb and give the sun a hug
but a shrug is all I give you to tell others about me
So they can see if we
Should be together forever like I always thought we should
And we should
But now I’m starting to think differently
I come home and all I hear are the deafening blasts of artillery
Fill a canteen of coffee and ration it out until the battle is over
I hardly ever win a fight
And I’m not worried about victory
I’m worried that I might not survive the war
What more do you have in store for me
And I can feel the sea breeze on that piece of paradise that I pursue
That peace that I pursue
You think I’m only giving up the war to stay with you
and I would’ve gone AWOL
But I was already missing in action
You were a witness to that
But didn’t think that it was the last time you’d see me
Until I didn’t come back
Defeat became too much
and I’m happy being lost
For the time being
I’m being awful, but this isn’t my mind seething
It’s someone else’s, belonging to the stranger that came back instead
And my eyes see that I don’t belong now and the past is dead.
It’s like I’ve come back to a foreign place where the war is needless
And even though it’s beautiful
All I want is to storm the beaches.
And bring storms that reach down
to rip the trees up
at the roots that sink down
in the earth that seized up
Please just let me be
while I spend my time reading up on weaponry
And safety precautions
Studying the rules of engagement 
So next time I feel like I’ve lost it
There won’t be so **** much collateral damage
So now I manage to escape the blasts
But there has never been a peace treaty
Only cease-fires that we spend resupplying
And re-arming. I see the way you’re looking at me
A little bit alarmed because you know that I’m trigger happy
And I think it might be weeks before the peace talks will resume
so I dive for cover any time you walk in the room
because the boom of mortar fire mortifies me
And makes me wonder if there is more to life
than my thunder fighting a war with lightning
and hiding my battle scars
Resting until I’m two quarters tired
half dying spark
fading ember
But then I embark on a journey into flashbacks of landmines
in no-man’s land where the lines are drawn
where the danger never shows it’s face
after the light of dawn
because day time in the open space is a ****-zone
our memories take it slow through the cold darkness
fighting a guerilla war against me
and it’s those same memories of our war that tempt me
back to the combat zone
where the sky is split in half by an unmanned drone,
where the land is scarred with bomb craters and tank treads
where the dead wash up on the river banks and the lakes edge
where you talk in hand-signs
and you push on cause there’s no choice
but to survive the bad times
And ****** I’ve had mine
but I’ll put up a last stand
ship off to the battle again
load up and roll out ready to exact my revenge
But there was never a stranger
I’m ready to embrace what I’ve become
I admit that I’m a product of everything that I’ve done.
I’m a war criminal.
I torched the rules of engagement,
Scorched entire cities and reduced them to pavement
And you should be afraid every day that I’m alive
Because now I’m out for blood and I don’t care anymore if I survive.
I thrive on the cold glory
Gunpowder smoke is my air
I’m the saboteur
In our fight between hope and despair
knowing this war rages on
and that you’ll never make me retreat
even though I’ll hate victory
more than I hated defeat.