Nov 2014
So here I am, despite every external and internal embodiment of the contrary
My goals are being built upon and driven towards, developing tangibility cell by cell
Despite my hollow self esteem associated, they continue somehow
Which is good I suppose. I push and push and results formulate slowly across the canvas, gradually taking shape.
Forgive me if I feel like a fraud though.
Girls, old and new come to mind
I look at a photo of the first one, see a very idealistic vision, she is empowered by the life she has constructed. It makes me smile for some reason, maybe I really have let go, because.. it makes me really happy to see her married and succeeding with her little goal. She was insanity for me at one point, a fantastical representation made of old thoughts and new unreal photos, made hollow flesh through text on a screen. I was pain for her when we lived and loved together, as the impulsive decision of "us" stopped my life. She was pain for me when I left, as I sat alone and craved the fantasy of the love I once had. We grew up together, and tore each other apart on the way to adulthood.
"I'm always sorry love."
The second one well
She's just done what I did with studying, come out in to the big wide world, losing the backing of an institution. She seems surrounded by others, indulging in it, good for her. Annoys me how gorgeous her identity is, she is defined by an intelligent approach to life, a critical mind kicking *** and yet still.. humble.
I felt comfortable around her, I didn't want to gamble the brief sense of on the level for something adventurous. Sometimes I despise my lack of back bone, sometimes I perceive my talent for alienation as a factor. But I think it was more that once I tried, we could never get back to that level of conversation we enjoyed with a few drinks.
I still have her on the social network, but with the few times we met, I fear it's too late, and that she was never that interested anyway.
I hope I send her a drunken message inviting her for coffee though.
"You're awesome, I hope you know that."
The last well.. she was my recent fling. A day of intense naked closeness and getting to know one another. Lots of talking, lots of ***. She knows her bubble, which was.. superficial I fear. She was into a guy before she met me. I.. gave her my preoccupation and overwhelmed myself, an intense sense of distrust which was too early to be appropriate. I don't think she saw it through text on a screen, which is all she was to me in the end. She was nice though, honest and giving, but our conversation was always just.. trying to give each other what we weren't sure we wanted. I gave her advice at the end, new thoughts from old habits, the importance of getting that thing that feels right, in the right existential circumstances, which can be a key you need.
"Best of luck."
As I get back again to my routine, my begrudged solitude and lack of motivation, I hope that I can find someone one day who will fulfil the simple fantasy, a girl, or guy, who will wake up next to me, persuade a natural smile out of me, slap me in the face,
and say "Keep Going. :)"
Failing that, there's always tea and good work to be done.
My goals are being built upon and driven towards, developing tangibility cell by cell
Despite my hollow self esteem associated, they continue somehow
Which is good I suppose. I push and push and results formulate slowly across the canvas, gradually taking shape.
Forgive me if I feel like a fraud though.
Girls, old and new come to mind
I look at a photo of the first one, see a very idealistic vision, she is empowered by the life she has constructed. It makes me smile for some reason, maybe I really have let go, because.. it makes me really happy to see her married and succeeding with her little goal. She was insanity for me at one point, a fantastical representation made of old thoughts and new unreal photos, made hollow flesh through text on a screen. I was pain for her when we lived and loved together, as the impulsive decision of "us" stopped my life. She was pain for me when I left, as I sat alone and craved the fantasy of the love I once had. We grew up together, and tore each other apart on the way to adulthood.
"I'm always sorry love."
The second one well
She's just done what I did with studying, come out in to the big wide world, losing the backing of an institution. She seems surrounded by others, indulging in it, good for her. Annoys me how gorgeous her identity is, she is defined by an intelligent approach to life, a critical mind kicking *** and yet still.. humble.
I felt comfortable around her, I didn't want to gamble the brief sense of on the level for something adventurous. Sometimes I despise my lack of back bone, sometimes I perceive my talent for alienation as a factor. But I think it was more that once I tried, we could never get back to that level of conversation we enjoyed with a few drinks.
I still have her on the social network, but with the few times we met, I fear it's too late, and that she was never that interested anyway.
I hope I send her a drunken message inviting her for coffee though.
"You're awesome, I hope you know that."
The last well.. she was my recent fling. A day of intense naked closeness and getting to know one another. Lots of talking, lots of ***. She knows her bubble, which was.. superficial I fear. She was into a guy before she met me. I.. gave her my preoccupation and overwhelmed myself, an intense sense of distrust which was too early to be appropriate. I don't think she saw it through text on a screen, which is all she was to me in the end. She was nice though, honest and giving, but our conversation was always just.. trying to give each other what we weren't sure we wanted. I gave her advice at the end, new thoughts from old habits, the importance of getting that thing that feels right, in the right existential circumstances, which can be a key you need.
"Best of luck."
As I get back again to my routine, my begrudged solitude and lack of motivation, I hope that I can find someone one day who will fulfil the simple fantasy, a girl, or guy, who will wake up next to me, persuade a natural smile out of me, slap me in the face,
and say "Keep Going. :)"
Failing that, there's always tea and good work to be done.
